The Smile You Fake, The Steps You Take

POINT OF VIEW: Jack Barakat.

Alex managed to clear out Zack and Rian fairly quickly, leaving the house empty save myself and Amanda. I wandered into the kitchen to find her cracking open a can of Pepsi.

"Ew," I noted, sticking out my tongue.

"What?" she laughed, taking a sip. “Don’t tell me you’re a Coke kind of guy."

I grinned. "Hell yes. But when I’m seriously thirsty I’ll drink anything. Like now, for instance," I laughed, stealing the can and taking a long sip.

"Loser." She snatched it back and carefully placed it on the counter. "Where did the others go?"

"They had to leave. I’m not sure why, they all just sort of took off."

Amanda nodded. "Well,” she began as she started inching slowly away from me, “I better go then." She slipped out of the kitchen and headed for the front door, grabbing her Jacket from the back of a recliner as she went. Making a split-second decision, I followed and grabbed her arm in an attempt to stop her.

"Don't go." It practically came out as a whisper.

"Why not?" A frown was slowly etching itself across her face.

I released her arm and stammered, "Well, I thought we could maybe...talk. You know, about--"

"About what?"

Did she have to make this difficult? I couldn't tell if she was doing it on purpose or if she was just oblivious. Being completely alone with her for the first time in weeks was starting to make my skin crawl. "Us?" I managed to reply weakly, making it sound more like a question than a statement.

"I’d rather not."

I flinched visibly. Ouch. "Amanda, please. C'mere for a second, alright? Just listen to it and after I’m done, if you still don't care then you can go and we can forget that we ever even cared about each other."

Amanda considered this for a moment before nodding and sitting down on the bottom step of the stairs, gesturing for me to go on. I paced back and forth as I tried to figure out exactly how to say what I wanted to. This whole situation was delicate – I could say one wrong thing and all of it would completely blow up in my face. "I was wrong, okay? I’m sorry for getting so mad when I caught you and Alex. I could have sorted stuff out and figured out the situation, but I didn't. I was just so mad at you that I didn't care what might have led to it. That was stupid of me."

She opened her mouth to speak but I continued, knowing that if I let her cut across me I’d never finish my thought. "Then you tried to apologize and I didn't even listen. I was so pissed about seeing you with Alex and I didn’t know what to do. I mean, you cheated on me, Amanda.” The words sounded harsh, that much I knew, but there was no avoiding them. She’d cheated on me. Oh God, she’d cheated on me. Rehashing the whole scenario in my mind sent a sharp pain through my stomach but I pushed past it; I’d be able to get over that in time, but if I let her go now, it’d forever be the biggest regret of my life. “The thing is, I think I was scared of saying some things that I’ve never said before. I just – I don’t know."

Amanda looked up at me quizzically. Somehow I could tell that she knew what I was talking about, and bless her for it. Hell, I didn’t even fully know what I was saying yet, but she had it all figured out. I sat down next to her and she leaned against me, sighing and laying her head down on my shoulder. "I’m sorry," she said.

Instead of accepting her apology, I looked straight ahead and whispered, "I love you."

For a moment we sat in an uncomfortable silence, then came Amanda’s voice: "You didn't have to say that if you didn't mean it, Jack."

It hurt me that she would even consider that I didn't love her. I didn't say anything, opting to kiss her instead. The old, familiar feeling of having Amanda's body pressed against mine came rushing back and it suddenly felt as if we'd never spent any time apart. I knew that I was kissing her as if I was in some sort of craze, but she accepted it. I hadn't touched her, let alone gone anywhere near her, in almost a month, though it felt like so much longer. How I had lived without her being exclusively mine I no longer understood.

The first thing Amanda said when we parted was, “You've never told anybody that you love them?"

I shook my head.

"Not even Isabella?"

I frowned. "How do you know that me and Isabella, you know, were together?"

"Alex."

Enough said. God, he could be such a bigmouth. "Well whatever, it doesn't even matter anymore. Back then I had thought I loved her but never said it, and now I’m glad that I saved it for you."

She grinned and kissed me again. "I’m glad, too. I love you, Barakat."

"I love you so much more, Rothman."

It didn't take long for us to get carried away. at first we were just kissing in the stairwell, then it led to me being on top of her on the living room couch. After being apart for so long, it was as if we were trying to make up for lost time by going farther than we ever had before. On one hand, I wasn't very comfortable with it. On another, my body was definitely telling me to go for it; even a tiny part of my mind agreed with it. Besides, Alex would probably be thrilled. He'd been the one to encourage me to do this. He was my best friend and only wanted me to be happy, after all. Plus, we all knew he was a little perv at heart and would probably want to hear everything, which was exactly the case every time any of us had a new girlfriend. Every detail was always passed around to the entire group. Nothing was fully private with us. One thing was for sure, though: I was going to make a point of finding Alex a girl after all this was over.

It was a struggle to keep myself under control. It was too great to be able to kiss her again, but deep down I knew that, thanks to Alex and his prodding and encouragement, I wanted something more. After a while, I decided to just go for it. She'd stop me if that was what she wanted, but I had a feeling that she wouldn't. Before I could even make the move her hands reached my belt and began fumbling with it. I was surprised but took it as an invitation to attempt to unhook her bra, which proved itself to be easier said than done.

"Your bra is fucked up," I noted as I continued to struggle with it in frustration.

"So is your belt," she snickered. "Switch?" My fingers shook slightly, almost unperceivably, as I unlatched the belt while Amanda did the same for her br . I wasn't going to admit it to her, nor anyone else, but I was actually a little scared. Well, okay, not scared exactly, but definitely nervous.

"Hey," I mumbled uncomfortably, "are you sure you're okay with this?"

Amanda kissed me and smiled. "Of course I am. As long as you are."

I nodded. "But this one time you said that you wanted to wait. Y'know, until you were married." I prayed that she didn't take my hesitation as a hint that I didn't want to do this with her. Then again, I didn't want her to know that I was nervous as hell and scared shitless. Any trace of doubt that she could detect from this would screw me. I had to sound more confident or I was done for.

"Jack, listen." she sat up slightly and looked me in the eyes. I tried not to look away, but she always gave me the impression that she knew more than she was letting on. "I love you, I want to do this. Besides, I’m only ever going to be with you, so what’s the point in waiting?"

I grinned, feeling a bit better. "I love you, too, but only if you're sure this is what you -"

"Jack!" she giggled and pulled me back down on top of her, kissing me hard. "I’m sure. I’m yours."

POINT OF VIEW: Amanda Rothman.

Every day for the next two weeks, Jack and I were inseparable. We usually went out with Alex and the others but were sometimes able to squeeze in one-on-one dates, which was always nice. For example, one night we drove for hours just to get to some random beach Jack had gone to once as a kid. He'd even made a picnic basket with a blanket and everything; we ended up watching the sun rise and fell asleep together on the blanket, not waking up until Jack got hit in the face with some kid's frisbee and cursed loudly. The next week I got sick so I couldn't spend much time with Jack, electing instead to lay in bed all day curled up with my childhood stuffed animals and blankets. When I reached the point where I was throwing up so much that I could hardly get out of bed for anything, I called Nikki.

"What do you think it is?" she asked, sitting lightly on the edge of my bed.

"I don't know," I moaned, rolling over and pulling the blankets up over my face. "I feel disgusting, and I want the weirdest food but I can never keep any of it down. I think I might be dying."

Nikki nodded and got to her feet. "Get up. I’ll help you get dressed then we're going out."
I laughed dryly. "Me, going out? In this condition?"

She tugged on my arm. "I’m taking you to the doctor, come on."

Nikki forced me out of bed and shoved a pair of sweats at me before tugging me out of my house a big too quickly, leaving me light-headed. I mean, I was pretty damn sick but she was completely overreacting. "Nik, I’m gonna be fine. No need for the dramatics," I sighed as she gave away all my information to the nurse.

"You never know," she replied, taking a seat next to me and putting her arm around me. I leaned into her shoulder and closed my eyes to focus on trying not to throw up again.

"Amanda Rothman?"

"That's you, kid. Good luck."

I spent the next thirty minutes being poked and prodded with needles and cold fingers. I knew that I probably seemed like a drama queen, coming to the doctor just because I was throwing up and craving random shit. In my defense, it had been Nikki 's idea.

"Well, Miss Rothman," my doctor smiled when she reentered my room. I was lying on my back on the examination table with my eyes closed, trying to block out the light. Upon her entrance, I sat up and crossed my legs indian-style like a little kid. "There's certainly nothing wrong with you."

"What does that mean?" I asked, not in the mood for mind games.

"This may come as somewhat of a shock," she began. God, how I hated when people beat around the bush. Just tell me what's up so I can stop freaking out already! "You’re pregnant."

"I’m sorry?" I stared, my mouth hanging open.

"You're pre-"

"No, don't say it again!" I cried, covering my mouth with my hand and trying to hold back hot tears. "Oh my god, oh my god," I whispered, putting my head between my knees and my hands on my neck. "Oh my god!" I sobbed, allowing my tears to slide down my cheeks and fall onto the floor. "How did this happen?" The doctor was silent.

I suddenly sat up and stopped crying. "How far?"

"What?"

"How far along am...I?" I hated how the sentence sounded coming out of my mouth, but I wanted to know. I needed to know.

"About five weeks."

I nodded slowly, not stopping to do any quick calculations. I simply stood up, wiped my eyes on the back of my head, and moved towards the door. "Thank you."

"Amanda!" she called after me. "You're going to need to schedule some regular appointments."

"Can I just call you later?" I asked, choking back more tears. Without waiting for a response I took off running, tearing through the waiting room without pausing to tell Nikki we were leaving. I heard her call my name and start to jog after me but I still kept going at breakneck speed until I reached my car in the parking lot and slid onto the hot pavement, leaning against a dirty tire. "Oh my God!" I practically shouted, tipping my face back to look at the sky. "Fuck!"

"Mandy?" Nikki asked gently, sitting down next to me. "What's wrong?"

"Everything! My life, my boyfriend, my future?"

Nikki stopped to think for a moment. "Please don't tell me - " she cut herself off and looked down.

I nodded slowly and let more tears fall. "Yeah. Lucky me, right?"

It was quiet for a moment before Nikki offered me her hand and helped me up. We got into the car and sat in the parking lot for a long time, staring straight ahead and not saying a word.

"If you don't mind me asking," she ventured, "who's the...?"

That was when it really hit me. "Jack Barakat is the father of my future child."

POINT OF VIEW: Jack Barakat.

For the first time all week, I got a text from Amanda. I hadn't seen her since last Friday when she'd gotten sick, so when she told me she was coming over I was thrilled. "Rian, Zack, you gotta go," I announced as I began to straighten out the front room.

"Why?" Rian wanted to know.

"Amanda's coming over soon and I haven't seen her all week."

Zack sighed but stood. "Then why does Alex get to stay?"

I shrugged, "I don't know, just get out."

I had to physically remove them from the house, though Zack was much more difficult to budge than Rian. As soon as they were gone I shoved all the trash into the kitchen garbage can and sprayed the entire first floor with a shitload of Febreeze. "Are you sure you don't wanna be alone with Amanda?" Alex asked quietly. "You haven't seen each other for a while, you might...I don't know."

"Nah, we won't. Just stay, it'll be easier. After not having seen her for a while, the last thing I need is some awkward vibes going on. Besides - " Before I could finish, the doorbell rang. I ran to answer it and when I did Amanda and her friend Nikki were both standing there, looking fairly devastated. "Hey! How - what's wrong?"

Nikki hugged Amanda goodbye and started down the driveway. "I’ll bring your car back then get home. Hey, Jack, caan you bring her back home later?"

I nodded then guided Amanda inside. "Seriously, are you okay?"

She nodded silently, pressing her lips together and looking down. I thought I might have seen a tear or two but she rubbed her eyes and then they were gone.

"Amanda?"

"Jack, I - " she whispered, seemingly ashamed of herself.

"It's something bad, isn't it?" It was deadly quiet before she nodded. "Shit." I put my arm around her and hugged her tight, consecutively leading her to the living room. We dropped onto the couch and Amanda immediately laid her head down on my lap and curled into a ball, covering her face with her hands and bursting into uneven sobs.

"Amaaaanda!" Alex shouted, running into the living room but stopping short when he saw her. "What's wrong?" Amanda continued to cry without responding and Alex dropped onto his knees in front of her, pulling her hands away from her face.

"Leave me alone!" she cried, sobs shaking her entire tiny frame.

"Manda, please talk to us?"

"I can't!" she cried, pushing Alex away. He didn't give up, inching back towards her and pushing her wet hair out of her face.

"Amanda, please," he whispered gently. "You can talk to me. You can tell me anything, you know that. I’m your best friend; just tell me what's wrong so I can fix it."

Amanda took several deep breaths before sitting up slowly, drying her eyes with the sleeve of her sweatshirt. "Okay," she nodded, calming down slightly. Alex squeezed her hand and I pulled her closer still. Whatever it was, it wasn't going to be good.

"I -" she tried, but choked. "I’m -"

Alex and I didn't complain, allowing Amanda to take her own time to tell us. We knew that we'd hear it sooner or later, so we might as well let her tell us in her own time and way. Before I could begin to think, Amanda blurted it out. Very bluntly, might I add.

"I’m pregnant!" she shouted, lasting only seconds before dissolving into a crying heap on the end of the couch farthest away from Alex and me.

"What?" Alex choked, coughing spastically. All I could manage was a dumb stare.

"You...you're – pregnant?"

She nodded. "I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry."

"Amanda, no!" I burst, laying down and wrapping my arms tightly around her. "Don't blame yourself, it's not your fault. It's mine."

"You slept together?" Alex frowned, looking almost disgusted.

"Did you miss the course in fifth grade on how babies are made?" I snapped, and then it hit me. "Holy fuck, we're having a baby. Amanda, we’re…we’re having a baby.”
Amanda nodded miserably.

"I gotta go," Alex blurted, jumping to his feet and running from the house as fast as he could. What the fuck? Right at the moment Amanda needed her two best friends, Alex decided to run out.

"What are we gonna do, Jack?" she whimpered. "I can't go back to school in the fall like this, I just can't. And what are we gonna do about it? It’s going to destroy our lives! I’m not going to become a photographer or an artist or a graphic designer...I’m going to be a stay at home mom for the rest of my life! And you! What about you? You can't keep touring. Well, I suppose you could, but that would mean that you would leave me, and I don't think I could –”

"Amanda!" I interrupted, turning her to face me. "You're thinking too much. This is a huge setback, I know, but we can figure it out. Nothing bad is going to happen, we can get through this together. I promise we’re going to fix this and everything will be alright."
Amanda nodded and kissed me softly. "I love you so much."

"You don't understand how much I love you. You mean everything to me, and we're going to figure this out. We're gonna be okay. Do you understand? We are going to be okay.”