The Smile You Fake, The Steps You Take

POINT OF VIEW: Amanda Rothman.

We stood outside my front door, fingers laced together and breathing increasing rapidly. "You ready?" he asked, glancing down at me.

I shook my head. "I’m never going to be, you know that."

"We've gotta go in there, you know."

"Yeah, I know," I sighed and squeezed his hand. "Let's get this over with."

He took the lead and helped me stay strong as we walked down the stone path in front of my house. I hovered outside the door before turning the knob with a shaking hand and pushing it open.

"Mom? Dad?" I called, having to wait for only a moment before they came bounding down the stairs.

"Amanda!" my mother cried, wrenching me away from Alex and hugging me tight. "We haven't seen you in days, where've you been hanging around?"

"Haven't been getting into trouble, have you?" my father pressed seriously. "You've been keeping an eye out for my little girl, have you, Alex?"

Alex nodded nervously. "Yes sir," he stammered.

"Mom, I have to tell you something," I whispered, biting my lip. Oh God. It was now or never. Come on, Amanda. You can do this.

"Alright!" my mother was bubbly and happy as ever, but not for long. "Let's go into the family room and you can tell me all about it!"

"I wish I didn't have to," I said quietly as we strode into the family room. My parents sat next to each other on the couch and looked up at me expectantly. I remained standing, as did Alex.

"Well, um," I began, glancing at Alex for some type of support. I instinctively gripped his hand tightly, praying that he could speak for me. I was too scared.

"I, uh-" Alex looked at me pleadingly. He didn't want to be the one to have to tell them, and how could I blame him? Nobody’s parents wanted to hear that their only daughter was pregnant at seventeen. I begged with my eyes and he finally sighed. "Fine," he hissed and turned quickly back to my parents. "We - I mean – Amanda has something to tell you."
My mother gestured for Alex to continue, though she was looking slightly bothered by our hesitation.

"Would it be better if I just came out with it?" Alex ventured, buying himself as much time as possible in vain hope that I would gain some bravery and be able to tell my parents by myself.

"Please do."

Alex looked down and mumbled.

"I’m sorry?" mom's cheery dispositions shone through her apprehension, making me feel sick to my stomach. She was probably going to be more upset than I was about this whole thing.

"Amanda is pregnant," Alex finally managed, still looking firmly at his own shoes.

My father was immediately on his feet, causing me to jump and drop Alex's hand. "You better hope you’re a fast runner, Gaskarth," my father growled, advancing rapidly.

"Dad, no!" I cried, standing between them and shielding Alex from my dad. "Don't do anything to him!"

"Tell me one good reason why I shouldn't! This little punk knocked up my only daughter! He destroyed your life!" dad roared.

"No, he didn't!" I shouted, pushing my dad away. "It's not his fault, it’s not even his!"

"Don't try to defend - it's not?"

"No!" I shouted, frowning. "Leave him alone."

Dad let this sink in for a moment before nodding slowly and patting Alex on the shoulder. "Well, uh, I – I apologize, Alex. I’m – yeah."

Alex looked away. "It's, um, okay. I guess."

"I’m sorry," I whispered, taking his hand again.

"But, honey...if it isn't Alex's, whose is it?" Hearing my mom speak surprised me. I’d originally thought that she would be much more upset than my dad. Guess not. Apparently she’d decided, for once in her life, to hear out all the facts first. Weird.

"Nobody's!" I replied out of habit. I lied to my parents far too much.

Dad was on his feet again. "So you expect us to believe that you're like the virgin Mary? Did God give you this baby?"

"Don't make fun of me," I snapped, clutching Alex’s hand with all my remaining strength.

"Then whose is it?" dad shouted, his anger growing once more. "This isn't a game, Amanda."

I flinched; Dad always called me Mandy. He only called me Amanda when he was furious with me. "Um, well, it's my boyfriend's."

"I thought Alex was your boyfriend," my mother opined calmly.

Alex shook his head, frowning. "No, ma'am."

"Then. Whose. Damn. Kid. Is. It?"

I hesitated. My parents had always liked Alex more than they liked Jack. As a matter of fact, they'd hated Jack from the moment he first set foot in our house three years ago, whereas they'd adored Alex from the start. Perhaps that was why my mom didn't seem to be as mad that I was pregnant: the father was tolerable. When they knew it was Jack, they were going to kill me.

"Spit it out, Amanda. I’m. Not. Kidding." Dad's choppy sentences were making me feel queasy.

"Jack Barakat's," I whispered, looking down.

"What?!" my mother screamed, also getting to her feet. "You knew we didn't approve of him, yet you saw him anyway? He's your boyfriend?"

I held back tears and nodded, inching closer to Alex with every passing second
"And now he's the father of your child!" my mother screamed. "Amanda, how could you? You know we don't like him!"

"Maybe I don't care!" I shouted, tears finally coming. This was worse than I’d thought. "Maybe I wanted to live my own life and have what I wanted for once! It doesn't matter to me that you hate Jack because - because I love him!" I broke down and used Alex's shoulder to hold myself up as I cried into his shoulder. "I love him more than you could understand, yet you two will never be able to accept it!"

There was silence during which Alex hugged me in a failing attempt to make me feel better. Finally, my parents spoke.

"Amanda," my father began. "I’m sorry it's come to this, but I have an ultimatum for you."
"Trust us, it's for the best," my mother added.

"It's your blood family and your home, or this boyfriend of yours. You choose. Take all the time you need." My father took a step towards me and I shrunk back. Alex followed me, backing me up one-hundred percent.

"I don't need any time to think," I said confidently, wiping my eyes and standing up straight and proud (well, as proud as I could possibly be in this scenario). My father seemed sure of what I was about to say, so when I said the complete opposite, his face fell. "I choose Jack. I love him and he's going to be there for me no matter what. I’d take him over anything."
I turned away from my parents, leaving them dumbstruck. Alex trailed after me, our hands still latched. I glanced over my shoulder to call, "I’ll be back tonight to get my stuff and I’ll see you later. Maybe."

Dad called after me but I didn't turn; instead, I slammed the door behind me as hard as I could and ran across the lawn, jumping into Alex's car and letting the rest of my tears fall as soon as he was in the driver's seat.

"It's gonna be okay," he comforted me, stroking my hair gently. "Trust me."

I sniffled and noted miserably, "Look where trusting people has gotten me."

POINT OF VIEW: Jack Barakat.

Days passed, then weeks. I had no idea what to do with myself and what to say to Amanda. She’d stayed away from me on purpose, this much I was sure of. She was staying at Alex’s house but god knew why. I had offered to her several times the option of staying with me, but everything I did made her cry and all she could do was shake her head with downcast eyes. This pregnancy was already doing something to us but I couldn’t exactly place what it was. Something was seriously wrong, outside the obvious reasons. Of course having a baby at age seventeen wasn’t something Amanda had ever planned or wanted and it was probably going to initially hurt us more than help us, but I never would have guessed that the effect would be this monumental. What was I supposed to do to prove to her that I was going to stay, that I wanted to?

After extensive arguing, I finally convinced her to move in with me, though now Alex was also being difficult. “Are you sure that’s the best thing for her right now?” he would say with a frown, but I easily disregarded this. Alex might be both my and Amanda’s best friend, but he didn’t know what was best for our relationship. How could he?

The day Amanda moved in was awkward for both of us. I helped her carry in dozens of boxes and we unpacked her clothes in utter silence. There was a box, maybe two or three, that she wouldn’t let me near and this made me curious. When she walked out of the room I glanced into them just to see that they were full of pictures, notes from friends at school, and little books that looked like journals. I was tempted to read them but Amanda reentered the room and I had to take a swift step back. Though it was awful, I made a note of where she stored the journals so I could go back and read one later.

“Are you hungry?” I asked halfway through unpacking.

“A little bit,” she shrugged, “but I don’t want to go anywhere, I’m really tired and I’m not so hot right now.”

I smiled slightly and offered, “I beg to differ.”

She laughed and rolled her eyes, shoving me playfully. “I meant I feel sick, you asshole.”
From that point on we went back to being our normal selves. We ended up having a fight with her rolled-up socks, also managing to get her underwear all over the bedroom. This fight ended with me on top of her on my bed and several kisses that almost got a bit carried away. After several more hours Amanda crumpled up the last of the boxes and smashed it into the garbage, smiling triumphantly.

“That’s the last of them,” she grinned and I held up my palm for a high-five. She obliged and yawned at the same time. “I think I’m gonna take a nap or something, you wanna come with?”

I shook my head. “I have to go out and buy some stuff, but if you’re awake by the time I get back do you wanna go out to dinner tonight?”

Amanda considered this for a moment. “If I’m up to it. Sounds nice.”

“It can be any place you want, but preferably somewhere fancy-like. I’m feeling the urge to spend some money on you today.” She had no idea.

Laughing, she nodded and got on tip-toes to kiss me on the cheek. “You’re amazing,” she grinned before squeezing my hand and retreating upstairs.

I waited several long moments before taking a deep breath and dialing my phone. It only took three rings for Alex to answer. “Hullo?” he yawned, sounding completely wiped out.

“Dude, are you just getting up now?” I asked.

Alex sighed. “Yes, mother.”

“But it’s like, three in the afternoon! What were you doing last night?” I laughed. Same old Alex.

“None of your business. What’d you want?”

I wished he wasn’t in such an ass-hole sort of mood, otherwise asking this of him would be relatively easy. “I wanted you to come shopping with me in like, half an hour. I’m gonna need your opinion on something.”

“Pansy,” was Alex’s response. “You want me to go shopping with you? What the hell for?”

Awesome. My best friend probably wasn’t going to be willing to come with me for this, one of the most heart-wrenching moments of my fucking life. “It’s something for Amanda.”
Alex’s mood seemed to change as soon as her name was uttered. “What are you getting for her that you need my opinion on?” he asked curiously. Oh, so he cared now that Amanda was thrown into the mix? What the hell?

“Well, um…I’m going to buy her a ring.”