Status: active.
The Smile You Fake, The Steps You Take
CHAPTER NINETEEN.
POINT OF VIEW: Alex Gaskarth.
“No,” I repeated for the tenth time as I once again made a fruitless attempt to force the front door closed.
“Why not?” Jack pressed, holding the door open with his foot and slowly prying it open again.
“Because it’s stupid!” Giving up, I sighed in exasperation and stood back to allow Jack to cross the threshold into the house. “You can’t give her an engagement ring, dude.”
Jack rolled his eyes as he closed the door behind himself and walked casually into my living room. He was acting as if I understood nothing of how he felt about Amanda, nor the situation we – they – were in. “Come on, it’s the perfect solution. It’ll totally show her that I’m not going to leave her because of one setback.”
“Is that what you’re calling it now? A ‘setback’?” I frowned, dropping onto the couch and rubbing my eyes in frustration. “It’s not something that’s going away any time soon, this is a child we’re talking about here. You haven’t talked about what she wants to do with it, have you? Have you even talked about what you’re going to do with your relationship?”
“And what is that supposed to mean?”
I shook my head, a permanent frown firmly in place. Jack didn’t have any idea what kind of trouble he was in with this, he kept brushing it off thinking it was just a little problem that would fix itself in time. No matter what happened, nobody would be forgetting this any time soon. If Amanda gave it up for adoption, the two of them would live the rest of their lives, whether together or apart, knowing that somewhere in the world there was a child out there that rightfully belonged to them, and if she kept it, the baby would always be around to remind her of her shattered potential. But how exactly was I to put this into terms that Jack would understand? He was being so stubborn about it all. “It means that I don’t think you know what you’re up against, man. You’re brushing this off like it’s no big deal, but it is.”
“I know it’s a big deal, Alex. I’m not stupid,” was his indignant reply.
“Well you’re sure doing a good impression of it, then,” I snapped, getting to my feet and nervously pacing the room. “You can’t just give her a ring and expect everything to go back to normal. If anything, it’ll make things worse.”
There was a pause in which Jack and I avoided each other’s’ eyes at all costs, then finally Jack said quietly, “How could it possibly get worse?”
It wasn’t his words but the tone in which they were spoken that really caught my attention. I turned to see him still seated in the same place, only now he had his face in his hands and was shaking his head slowly. “You keep acting like I have no idea what I’ve done, but I do, okay? I know more than you do. You think you know everything, Alex, but you don’t. You know nothing about what’s going on between Amanda and me.”
For the millionth time in the past few months, I was overcome with the feeling that I didn’t belong anywhere in their lives, a feeling that almost said they were moving on without me. Jack didn’t want my advice, claiming that I didn’t know what I was talking about. Amanda remained distant as well, allegedly still embarrassed over the “dream” she had about me. Any time the thought crossed my mind I felt sick; after all, I’d lied to her through my teeth. Even though it’d been a terrible, half-assed kind of lie, Amanda had believed it without a single doubt. Horribly, it was because she trusted me to tell her the truth. She was smart enough to figure out that it was a lie, but she felt no need to analyze the things I told her. The amount of faith that she’d misplaced in me was enough to make me sick to my stomach.
On top of this, there was a gnawing sensation in my gut 24/7. What if Amanda hadn’t actually been pregnant when I’d lied to her and moved on to convince Jack to make up with her? I knew what they’d do if they managed to get over their fight. Even if I hadn’t wanted to face it, I’d always known. So if she hadn’t been pregnant back then, if I had simply jumped to a horribly inaccurate conclusion and prompted her and Jack to get back together, then he had gotten her pregnant and this was my fault. If she had already been pregnant at that point, it was my fault. No matter which way you spun the situation, I had a direct hand in Amanda’s pregnancy, a thought that was driving me to the very brink of my deteriorating sanity. It was my fault, all my fault, and there was nothing I could do to fix it.
“I – I know,” I lied, hating that I had to pretend that I was indifferent to their relationship, “but just listen to me, Jack. Please do not propose to her. Please.” In past weeks I’d successfully convinced Jack that my brief bout with Amanda had been nothing but a drunken escapade, fueled by too much alcohol and raging hormones. He was reluctant to believe it at first, but my winning “puppy dog face” got him in the end. Of course, this was all a load of shit, but he didn’t need to know that. Amanda, on the other hand, knew better, yet she let me lie to Jack to save face. Then again, she was the one who thought she’d gotten so drunk that she had a sex dream about me, instead of knowing that it was the real thing. She was so oblivious to the truth that it was actually painful. I was the only person who knew the full extent of the situation and there was nobody I could tell or talk about it with. Constantly being mocked with this information was killing me. As far as she was concerned, Jack was pissed because he caught us making out before the end-of-tour party a few months ago. She was even under the impression that she’d already been drunk when she clearly hadn’t been. Jack and I had done quite a job on her.
“I’m going to do it,” he said after a moment, standing slowly. “If you don’t want me to, that’s fine, but it’s going to happen, so just try and be supportive if you can. I really want you to help me pick the ring out.”
Not trusting myself to say anything else, I chose to respond simply, “Why?”
He paused to consider this for a moment then replied carefully, “You’re my best friend, and you’re Amanda’s best friend too. We trust you, and I just need you to do this with me.”
With that, the guilt returned in full tilt and I grudgingly agreed to help.
“No,” I repeated for the tenth time as I once again made a fruitless attempt to force the front door closed.
“Why not?” Jack pressed, holding the door open with his foot and slowly prying it open again.
“Because it’s stupid!” Giving up, I sighed in exasperation and stood back to allow Jack to cross the threshold into the house. “You can’t give her an engagement ring, dude.”
Jack rolled his eyes as he closed the door behind himself and walked casually into my living room. He was acting as if I understood nothing of how he felt about Amanda, nor the situation we – they – were in. “Come on, it’s the perfect solution. It’ll totally show her that I’m not going to leave her because of one setback.”
“Is that what you’re calling it now? A ‘setback’?” I frowned, dropping onto the couch and rubbing my eyes in frustration. “It’s not something that’s going away any time soon, this is a child we’re talking about here. You haven’t talked about what she wants to do with it, have you? Have you even talked about what you’re going to do with your relationship?”
“And what is that supposed to mean?”
I shook my head, a permanent frown firmly in place. Jack didn’t have any idea what kind of trouble he was in with this, he kept brushing it off thinking it was just a little problem that would fix itself in time. No matter what happened, nobody would be forgetting this any time soon. If Amanda gave it up for adoption, the two of them would live the rest of their lives, whether together or apart, knowing that somewhere in the world there was a child out there that rightfully belonged to them, and if she kept it, the baby would always be around to remind her of her shattered potential. But how exactly was I to put this into terms that Jack would understand? He was being so stubborn about it all. “It means that I don’t think you know what you’re up against, man. You’re brushing this off like it’s no big deal, but it is.”
“I know it’s a big deal, Alex. I’m not stupid,” was his indignant reply.
“Well you’re sure doing a good impression of it, then,” I snapped, getting to my feet and nervously pacing the room. “You can’t just give her a ring and expect everything to go back to normal. If anything, it’ll make things worse.”
There was a pause in which Jack and I avoided each other’s’ eyes at all costs, then finally Jack said quietly, “How could it possibly get worse?”
It wasn’t his words but the tone in which they were spoken that really caught my attention. I turned to see him still seated in the same place, only now he had his face in his hands and was shaking his head slowly. “You keep acting like I have no idea what I’ve done, but I do, okay? I know more than you do. You think you know everything, Alex, but you don’t. You know nothing about what’s going on between Amanda and me.”
For the millionth time in the past few months, I was overcome with the feeling that I didn’t belong anywhere in their lives, a feeling that almost said they were moving on without me. Jack didn’t want my advice, claiming that I didn’t know what I was talking about. Amanda remained distant as well, allegedly still embarrassed over the “dream” she had about me. Any time the thought crossed my mind I felt sick; after all, I’d lied to her through my teeth. Even though it’d been a terrible, half-assed kind of lie, Amanda had believed it without a single doubt. Horribly, it was because she trusted me to tell her the truth. She was smart enough to figure out that it was a lie, but she felt no need to analyze the things I told her. The amount of faith that she’d misplaced in me was enough to make me sick to my stomach.
On top of this, there was a gnawing sensation in my gut 24/7. What if Amanda hadn’t actually been pregnant when I’d lied to her and moved on to convince Jack to make up with her? I knew what they’d do if they managed to get over their fight. Even if I hadn’t wanted to face it, I’d always known. So if she hadn’t been pregnant back then, if I had simply jumped to a horribly inaccurate conclusion and prompted her and Jack to get back together, then he had gotten her pregnant and this was my fault. If she had already been pregnant at that point, it was my fault. No matter which way you spun the situation, I had a direct hand in Amanda’s pregnancy, a thought that was driving me to the very brink of my deteriorating sanity. It was my fault, all my fault, and there was nothing I could do to fix it.
“I – I know,” I lied, hating that I had to pretend that I was indifferent to their relationship, “but just listen to me, Jack. Please do not propose to her. Please.” In past weeks I’d successfully convinced Jack that my brief bout with Amanda had been nothing but a drunken escapade, fueled by too much alcohol and raging hormones. He was reluctant to believe it at first, but my winning “puppy dog face” got him in the end. Of course, this was all a load of shit, but he didn’t need to know that. Amanda, on the other hand, knew better, yet she let me lie to Jack to save face. Then again, she was the one who thought she’d gotten so drunk that she had a sex dream about me, instead of knowing that it was the real thing. She was so oblivious to the truth that it was actually painful. I was the only person who knew the full extent of the situation and there was nobody I could tell or talk about it with. Constantly being mocked with this information was killing me. As far as she was concerned, Jack was pissed because he caught us making out before the end-of-tour party a few months ago. She was even under the impression that she’d already been drunk when she clearly hadn’t been. Jack and I had done quite a job on her.
“I’m going to do it,” he said after a moment, standing slowly. “If you don’t want me to, that’s fine, but it’s going to happen, so just try and be supportive if you can. I really want you to help me pick the ring out.”
Not trusting myself to say anything else, I chose to respond simply, “Why?”
He paused to consider this for a moment then replied carefully, “You’re my best friend, and you’re Amanda’s best friend too. We trust you, and I just need you to do this with me.”
With that, the guilt returned in full tilt and I grudgingly agreed to help.
♠ ♠ ♠
chapter eighteen was the last chapter i had to transfer from quizilla to here, so now everything will be new. upon rereading all the chapters i realized how fast-paced and vaguely unrealistic some aspects of the story are, so i apologize. everything up until now was written nearly a year and a half ago, so hopefully between now and then i've improved upon my writing skills. from here on out i'll work on slowing it down a bit and trying to make everything overall more believable.