The Smile You Fake, The Steps You Take

POINT OF VIEW: Jack Barakat.

I woke up to find myself sprawled on a hotel room floor with Alex drooling on my arm and Cute Is What We Aim For blaring in the background. Where the hell am I? I racked my brain but couldn't come up with what I'd been doing last night. My "special drink" must have been involved; that was really the only explanation for he brain-fart I was currently having. I groaned and rubbed my head, which had just begun to pound painfully. It took a while but I eventually got to my feet and glanced at the digital clock on the dresser beside the bed. 9:45 a.m.

From the bathroom I could faintly hear a girl's voice singing, but before I could step closer to investigate the door sprang open and out came Amanda, wearing nothing but underwear and a bra, her wet hair dripping down her back.

"Ahhh!" we screamed in unison and I dove behind the bed.

"Jesus, you gave me a heart attack!" she cried. I could hear her frantically searching for something to put on -- of the many things I knew about her, one was that she was extremely self-conscious about herself, especially about her body. "I thought you were still sleeping!"

"I'm sorry, I just woke up!" I prayed that everytime I had to see her in the future I wouldn't imagine her like that. She was my best friend, not another girl I was gonna try to get with. This is my best fucking friend. Not good, not good.

"You can get up now."

I obliged and rubbed my eyes, trying to rid myself of the mental image of Amanda's nearly naked and completely flawless body. Stop it, Jack, just stop.

"Well, um, I better go finish getting ready," she finally said, looking considerably flustered. "The bus leaves in fifteen minutes."

I waved this off. "Take your time. I'll wake him up" -- I emphasized this by prodding Alex with my foot -- "and we'll go find some food and coffee for the three of us. Sound good?"

She smiled. "Yeah, sounds awesome." As soon as she retreated into the bathroom and turned up the music, I kicked Alex hard in the side. That usually worked.

"What the hell was that for?" he groaned, rolling over.

"The bus is leaving soon, we gotta get going." I waited impatiently while he got up and fruitlessly attempted to flatten his rumpled hair.

"Dude, nobody cares about how your hair looks. Let's go grab some goffee and steal half of the continental breakfast."

Alex grinned. "In that case, i'll go grab my backpack."

Thirty minutes and a dozen cups of coffee later, we were on the road. Alex was at the table in the kitchen of the bus, clutching his food-filled backpack to his chest and sharing the hoarde of bagels, fruit and cheese with Rian, Zack, and Amanda.

"Want some food, Jack?" she called from acrosse the bus with a mouthful of watermelon.

I nodded, "Yeah, throw me something." She responded by whipping an apple and a handful of cheese squares at me. "Gee, thanks. how will I ever repay you?"

Rian high-fived her and she turned back to me. "Hmm, however will you repay me? You could...gimmie a kiss!" she joked and puckered her lips.

I felt my back stiffen and choked out a tiny laugh, not wanting to seem like there was anything wrong. Even though there most definitely was.

Alex laughed and initiated a bus-wide chant of, "Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!"

I rolled my eyes and blew Amanda a kiss. "Happy?"

"No," Alex frowned. "that wasn't any fun."

I shrugged and leaned back against the couch on which I was currently lounging. "Sorry, buddy. I not too fun when I have the worst hangover of my life. Try again later."

Rian got up from the table, stretching his arms over his head. "I'm gonna go to sleep. How many bunks have we got again?"

"I think just four," Zack offered, "but we got this tinyass bedroom in the way back, two of us can sleep back there."

Rian nodded briefly and retreated to his bunk.

"Where do I sleep?" I inquired, suddenly exhausted.

"In a bunk like the rest of us, idiot," Alex replied, swallowing several chunks of melon.

"Why can't I get the other bedroom?"

"Because Amanda gets it," Zack told me.

"All to herself? Why?"

"because she's a girl?" Alex was quickly becoming exasperated with me, I could tell.

"So?"

"If you really want to be in that room you can take it, I don't mind sleeping in a bunk," Amanda offered.

"Oh no, I don't think so," Alex shook his head. "That wasn't part of the deal. You're the only girl on this bus and we're not sticking you in the same room with a bunch of smelly guys." He smirked and tossed a sideways glance at me.

"But - " she started to argue.

"But nothing!" Zack cut her off, rolling his eyes. "Stop being so damn difficult and take it."

"I don't wanna put Jack out, though," she frowned. "Before you guys took me on he said he'd had the claim on it. I mean, I'll share it with you, Jack. As long as you clean up after yourself."

"I won't," I reassured her, smirking.

She rolled her eyes but resigned. "Good enough."

"That leaves a bunk open for Kara to take when we pick her up in a few weeks, too!" Amanda grinned, obviously proud of herself for solving the problem with our sleeping arrangements.

"As much as I'd love to continue this gripping conversation," Zack yawned, "I wanna get some sleep before the set tonight."

"Me, too," Alex agreed. "Get up, Jack, you're sitting on my bed. I don't feel like fixing up my bunk right now and I claim the couch."

"I'm gonna sleep too," Amanda added as she headed for our room. "See you guys in like, six hours."

"Night, Amanda," Zack called. "Now seriously, Jack, get out. God knows you aren't gonna let us get any sleep if you stay out here."

"Where am I supposed to go?" I whined.

"Here's a crazy idea: go to your room and freaking sleep."

"There's only one bed in there. Amanda and I can't both be sleeping at the same time."

"Good thing the room is just barely big enough to cram a queen-sized in there." Zack was pissed. I started for my room without further complaint. Why hadn't I thought that i'd have to share a bed with her? Normally, I could care less, but after our "scene" this morning, any mention of Amanda made me feel uncomfortable. I slipped into the room and closed the door quietly.

"Oh, hey," she smiled at me while she pulled off a necklace and tossed it carelessly onto the floor. "You're tired too?"

"Yeah." I hovered awkwardly, not knowing what to do with myself. I turned away when she changed her clothes and only turned back when she told me she was in bed. I quickly shimmied out of my jeans and slid in next to her, wearing only my t-shirt and boxers. Awkward...

"So, um..." I mumbled, then rapidly turned to my side so that I was facing away from her. "Night, then." I punched my pillow and let my head rest on it.

Amanda laughed and I felt the bed move as she adjusted her body. "Good night, Jack. See you at the venue."

"Yeah, okay." I tried to eliminate her from my mind and go to sleep, but every time her bare leg accidentally brushed against mine my eyes snapped back open again. It was like I was hyperaware of her presence or something and it was freaking me out. Even two hours later I hadn't gotten a wink of sleep, though next to me I could hear Amanda's slow, steady breathing. I turned, chancing a look at her. The way her blonde hair fell across her face and how she had a slight smile on her lips. I was about to lay my head down and finally fall asleep when she suddenly moved, wrapping her arm around my stomach and resting her head on my chest. My breath couldn't help but catch in my throat.

What the hell was up with me lately? In all four years that I'd known Amanda I had never acted this way. It couldn't be...no. Maybe I was...nah, impossible. There was no way I liked her or anything, not in anything aside from a strictly platonic best friends sort of way. Not to say that she wasn't nice, funny, smart, and an outrageously talented photographer. Not to mention gorgeous. Oh Jesus. I drew myself back to the present. Do I push her off? Leave her? What the fuck does a person do in a situation like this one? I struggled internally for a long moment before deciding to leave her be. I got into a comfortable position and closed my eyes, finally about to fall asleep. Right as I was drifting off, Amanda mumbled something in her sleep about giant spiders attacking her. I smiled and settled into one of the best sleeps I'd ever had while on tour.