Suicide Note

I am sitting next to my baby brother, playing with my pasta. My gaze is focused on the glass of water next to my plate.
"Jessica," Mother says.
I look up to her.
"Is everything alright?" She sips her wine.
I smile lightly. "Yeah, I'm just not hungry for pasta."
She nods.
"Hey! Hey mom!" Jack says excitedly.
"Yes?" Mom says.
"Coach says that if I keep up practicing as hard as I do, I will be on the middle school team for sure! And the high school!" He glances at me. "Just like Vince!"
I give him a fake smile. "Yeah, just like Vince,"
Jack smiles proudly to himself.
I look back to mom. "What time is Rohn getting home?" I ask, referring to my step father.
My glances at her watch. "Hum...he should be-"
The sound of the door opening cuts her off. "Hello, children!" A voice booms.
Mother smiles and jumps out of her seat to greet Rohn.
They act like teenagers when the two of them are together, which is gross. Rohn walks into the room with my mom tucked under his lank arm.
"Hello, kids!" Rohn smiles.
Mother giggles.
Jack, with a full mouth of pasta, waves repeatedly to his father. I smile.
Rohn and my mother met eleven years ago, when I was in therapy. Rohn was my doctor.
So much for doctor-patient confidentiality.
But, because for two month he was my doctor, so he knows everything. But Jack, I choose to leave him the dark believing that no harm can be done to this family. When he's older, maybe I'll tell him.
Rohn gives me a funny look. "You okay, Jess?"
I nod. "Yeah, just not feeling the pasta tonight."
Rohn gives my mother a worried look. This always happens when I don't do something, or I act slightly weird. Once, I had the stomach flu and Rohn told my mother that I had an eating disorder.
I was better within two days, but I didn't eat for a week just to piss him off.
I was sent to a camp for children with eating disorders for that summer. I will never fake him out again.
I quickly shove my fork in my mouth, just to get Rohn off my back. And it worked. Rohn and mother walk away happily into the living room.

I wake up at five in the morning screaming. It happens every night.
Mom and Rohn don't even bother to check on me anymore.
I wrap my arms around my knees, and cry. So many years this has been going on, I can't even stand it. The Girl knows pain, so do I.
We both know pain. Similar pain. We both have been hurt by people we thought we knew. We both know pain.
Maybe, throwing the notebook away isn't the best idea ever. Maybe, it could help me. Maybe it is helping me.
Or maybe it's killing me.
I lie my head back down on my pillow, my thoughts racing.
To read it and die?
To not read it and lie?
Which one, which one...