Status: Rewrite
Suicide Note
Entry Eleven
I sit in history, thinking of the girl. What kind of reply did I put?
--No,
--I can't.
The world’s worst reply. I know it is. What kind of person am I?
"Jess," Annie says.
I turn to my friend who sits next to me. She looks worried.
"Yeah," I say breathlessly.
"Um, are you okay? You've been acting weird all day..." She trails off.
I roll my eyes. "Yeah, I'm just tired."
Annie sighs and turns back to her work.
I glance at my backpack that is sitting by my feet. It is like the notebook is calling me. I am a magnet, and so is that notebook.
It's my drug. I hate it with my life, yet I need it more than anything. I can't go five minutes without thinking of it.
I feel a bead of sweat drip off my nose and onto my worksheet. Gross.
I bite my lip.
To read it and die?
To not read it and lie?
..................
To read it and die.
I pull the notebook out and quickly open to the page that I hadn't read yet.
~Entry Eleven
_____Dear Journal
_____No, I am not dead yet. Key word, YET. I wish I was, but I'm not.
_____By the way, I'm not pregnant.
_____So, I had the gun, and I was so ready to pull the trigger. I cursed out God for the final time, and sighed a breath of relief. Yes, relief. I was ready, and it felt so good.
_____But, when I pulled the trigger, I heard a click, and nothing more. The gun was empty. What the hell? I checked it twice before, so how can it be empty?
_____But it was. And I am pissed.
_____But why? Is there some reason that the so called "god" wants me to continue to suffer? Is there some stupid reason that I am not allowed to know what happiness really is? If so, why?
_____Is it to take away pain from the other teens in the world?
_____I don't know, but I am definitely going to. One of these painful days.
_____My sister called me the other day. She said that she was going to come for me soon. I told her to stop lying and to get a new life.
_____I told her that she shouldn't come back for me. If she did come for me, she wouldn't be able to leave. Mother would not let her. If she comes near here, everything she has worked for will be lost.
_____I told her that I would be fine, and that I missed her and that everything will be okay. I told her that we will meet again one day, and to never forget me. I told her that I would find a way out.
_____And then I said good bye. I am pretty sure that was the last time I will ever speak to my sister, and that thought makes me not want to kill myself.
_____I hate my sister, but I love her more than anyone. But I know that she needs to find a new light, and I cannot be along side when she finds it. Heather will do great things with her life, I know she will.
_____Since she called three days ago, I have never cried so much. I want her so much. I miss her so much. And when I think of her, I don't wanna do it. But I know I must.
_____Everything is so confusing. My mind knows that I have to do it, but my heart is telling me no.
_____Maybe it's that reason the "god" wants me still to suffer.
_____But why? Who else needs to cause me pain? Who else do I need to meet, or see? Is it my sister? I need to see her again?
_____Signed,
~~~~~~~~~~Confused
No, Suicide Girl. It's not your sister, it's me.
--No,
--I can't.
The world’s worst reply. I know it is. What kind of person am I?
"Jess," Annie says.
I turn to my friend who sits next to me. She looks worried.
"Yeah," I say breathlessly.
"Um, are you okay? You've been acting weird all day..." She trails off.
I roll my eyes. "Yeah, I'm just tired."
Annie sighs and turns back to her work.
I glance at my backpack that is sitting by my feet. It is like the notebook is calling me. I am a magnet, and so is that notebook.
It's my drug. I hate it with my life, yet I need it more than anything. I can't go five minutes without thinking of it.
I feel a bead of sweat drip off my nose and onto my worksheet. Gross.
I bite my lip.
To read it and die?
To not read it and lie?
..................
To read it and die.
I pull the notebook out and quickly open to the page that I hadn't read yet.
~Entry Eleven
_____Dear Journal
_____No, I am not dead yet. Key word, YET. I wish I was, but I'm not.
_____By the way, I'm not pregnant.
_____So, I had the gun, and I was so ready to pull the trigger. I cursed out God for the final time, and sighed a breath of relief. Yes, relief. I was ready, and it felt so good.
_____But, when I pulled the trigger, I heard a click, and nothing more. The gun was empty. What the hell? I checked it twice before, so how can it be empty?
_____But it was. And I am pissed.
_____But why? Is there some reason that the so called "god" wants me to continue to suffer? Is there some stupid reason that I am not allowed to know what happiness really is? If so, why?
_____Is it to take away pain from the other teens in the world?
_____I don't know, but I am definitely going to. One of these painful days.
_____My sister called me the other day. She said that she was going to come for me soon. I told her to stop lying and to get a new life.
_____I told her that she shouldn't come back for me. If she did come for me, she wouldn't be able to leave. Mother would not let her. If she comes near here, everything she has worked for will be lost.
_____I told her that I would be fine, and that I missed her and that everything will be okay. I told her that we will meet again one day, and to never forget me. I told her that I would find a way out.
_____And then I said good bye. I am pretty sure that was the last time I will ever speak to my sister, and that thought makes me not want to kill myself.
_____I hate my sister, but I love her more than anyone. But I know that she needs to find a new light, and I cannot be along side when she finds it. Heather will do great things with her life, I know she will.
_____Since she called three days ago, I have never cried so much. I want her so much. I miss her so much. And when I think of her, I don't wanna do it. But I know I must.
_____Everything is so confusing. My mind knows that I have to do it, but my heart is telling me no.
_____Maybe it's that reason the "god" wants me still to suffer.
_____But why? Who else needs to cause me pain? Who else do I need to meet, or see? Is it my sister? I need to see her again?
_____Signed,
~~~~~~~~~~Confused
No, Suicide Girl. It's not your sister, it's me.
♠ ♠ ♠
O.O