Suicide Note

I place the notebook under my chair and sigh. My shaky hands glide over my history book as my eyes scan the words. Just letters; they’re just words. Nothing special about them nor do they mean anything to me. Who cares about the French Revolution?
My thoughts race as I tap my fingers on the table repeatedly, waiting anxiously for the bell to ring for lunch. I know that after class, Vince will be waiting outside the door to walk me to lunch.
“Ms. Parker,” Mrs. Fully says crossly from the front of the classroom. My head snaps up to look at her wrinkled face hidden behind her thick glasses. “You are distracting the rest of the class with your incisive tapping. Stop, now,”
The students giggle for a moment, and then the room goes silent once again as everyone goes back to reading. Even Mrs. Fully turns back to her New Your Times paper. Everyone starts reading again; everyone except for me. It is like I’m in slow motion, and it takes me two minutes to look back down to my book. I can’t even swallow the saliva that gathers in my mouth.
The letters blend together as I try with every ounce of my body to read what is on the page, but I just can’t. I glance at the clock and notice that lunch is only a minute away.
I quickly shove my books into my backpack, wanting to be the first person out the door.
The bell rings and I speed out of the class, nearly running into Vince on my way out.
“Oh,” He says as I fall into his arms. “Hey, Beautiful,”
I breathe in his scent as I rest my head on his chest. Calm washes over me. “Hey,” I whisper.
“Are you okay?” Vince asks me.
“Now I am,” I smile, truly meaning the words… somewhat.
Vince kisses my head. “Let’s go to lunch,”
I intertwine my fingers into his as we start walking to the lunch room. Vince’s thumb gently rubs my hand. We reach the end of the hall, when I realize it.
The notebook. I left it in the classroom.
I catch my breath and instantly freeze. Heat waves over my body as I realize what I have done.
Oh my God.
“Jess?” Vince asks, eying me.
“Oh my God,” I whisper soft enough so that only I can hear.
I drop Vince’s hand and run back for the classroom. My heart races as I reach the door as the last of the students walk out. Sweat gathers in my hands as I walk into the stuffy classroom. I quickly make my way to my seat. I lean against the chair and inhale deeply.
God, please let it be there. Please, I am begging you…
I glance down under the chair.
Nothing.
I feel lightheaded, and yet my head feels like it weighs a hundred pounds. Blood quickly pulses through my veins as I slowly turn around.
Bright red hair engulfs my vision. I jump back, startled to see Annie.
“Hey, Jess,” Her voice is low as her eyes boor onto mine.
I cannot speak. I simply nod once. I can feel my face burning.
Annie glances down at her books in her hands. She pulls one out of the pile. “I… uh… found this under you chair…” She hands me a notebook with writing all over it. My mouth opens as I take the notebook from her. “It seems kind of important to you…” She trails off.
“Thanks,” I manage to say.
Annie nods. “No prob. And don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone,”
I look back to her. “Tell anyone what?”
“About this notebook. But, Jess, you have to know that hurting yourself is never the answer. Remember, 1-800-SUICIDE is always there for you,” She shifts awkwardly onto her right foot.
I shake my head, realizing what she is implying. “Oh, no, Annie-”
“It’s okay, Jess,” Annie puts her hand on my shoulder. “It’s okay,”
I roll my eyes. I don’t even care anymore. I shove the notebook into my bag and walk out to the hall where Vince waits nervously for me.