Suicide Note

I glance over to the small window in the upper right corner of the room. It’s the only shed of light in the room. My breath is shallow as I stare back to the toilet in front of me. My stomach flips as I stare.
“Help,” I whisper as a tear roll down my cheek. I wrap my arms around my knees. The cold floor numbs the bottoms of my feet.
God, what I wouldn’t give for a long, hot shower and a hair brush.
But the toilet is speaking to me. It whispers, softly, that I am not safe. It is telling me to run as far away I can. Run…
I stand up and walk to the door. I look out the small window to the hall. “Help!” I yell. “Help me! I can’t take it anymore!” I scream! I run to the other side of the room and lean against the wall. I slide down it and sit on the floor and cry.
I sit there and cry for hours, waiting for the only relief time can give me…death.
Ah time, such a foreign concept to me. In here there is no such thing as time. Hours can feel like minutes. Minutes can feel like days. Every second continues to tick by, over and over again, because everything in the world revolves around time. Everything and everyone, except me. In this room I have no sense of time. The only way I can tell is by the shadow the sun casts though the window, but I still have no idea how to elaborate that. I was never a girl scout.

I open my eyes again to the sound of laughter in the hall. A child is in the hall laughing. Maybe she has a relative who’s in here. I slowly stand up and walk over to the window on the door. I peek out, trembling. I see the little girl holding a man’s hand. The man is spinning the girl in circles. I smile, for the first time in however long it has been since I came here. Her pretty brown curls whip her face as she turns, laughing.
I laugh also, at the little girl. My smile widens as I turn and slide down the door. I sit on the floor and continue to laugh, harder now. It feels so wonderful, as if everything is falling into place.
But I know better than that. I know that the wonder won’t last. I know that I will be alone again soon, and that the sadness will continue. But still, somehow I can’t help but feel better at the sound of the sweet giggles echoing on the other side of the doorway. It gives me some kind of hope.
I eventually laugh myself to sleep.

I now realize that I am beyond crazy, I am mentally unstable.

My lips are dry as I curl into a ball in the corner. My thoughts are just as dry as my lips are. I feel empty, as if life has nothing in it. I feel so alone. I miss my friends. I miss Vince. I know that he probably hasn’t thought of me since I came here, but I still miss seeing his face. I miss my mom, though she comes and visits me every week. I miss Tyler most of all. I miss his smile and his eyes. I miss his hair and his beautiful laugh. I miss the way I feel about him.
Who I don’t miss, though, is Her. I hate Her with an immense passion. She ruined my life. She toyed with my emotions, and now I’m locked up in this terrible place.
She made me the way I am today. She made me angry and scared. She made me go crazy and try to kill her. She made go suicidal. She made me hateful and terrified. She made me who I am, this sick and twisted person.
Just thinking of Her sends shivers of fear and utter hate throughout my body. I pull my fingers into my hand to create a fist. I feel my hair matting to my forehead because I am sweating. I hate Her! But to be honest, I don’t know if I fear Her more, or hate Her more.

The cold floor feels good against my burning face. I stare at a small rock on the hard floor. I poke it, and it rolls slightly. I smile; it seems that the smallest things amuse me these days. I begin to hum, not a song, but just random notes. I continue to roll the rock around as I hum.
The door creaks open, and I glance up, not leaving the floor. The nurse looks at me and smiles. “Hello, Love, there is a visitor here for you if you’re up to it.”
I nod. Mom must be here for her weekly visit.
I sit up as the nurse leaves to fetch my mom. I slowly stand up and swipe the dust off of my gown. I hear the footsteps enter my room. I look up and the first thing I see is bright, red, curly hair.
I scream as loud as I can and fall back to the wall, crying as the rush of memories whip me. Suddenly, I am lost once again in the fear, pain and hate that surrounded me so long ago when I realized just who the Suicide Girl really is.

"Dear life that has sent me this way, I give you my soul. Just take it. I no longer need it, nor do I wish to keep it. Just take my life, and leave me a hallow shell to tuck away in. Just leave me be, so I can finally rest in peace."
Signed,
The true Suicide Girl