Suicide Note

"Jess," Kristen says to me.
I look up at her, my mouth open in shock. What kind of monster is she? How could she even stomach talking to someone like that?
"Time to go," She points to the clock.
I fallow her point. It was two twenty. Time for cheer practice. But I don't want to go. I have to find this girl.
But I stand up, and leave the classroom, with the notebook still in my hands. It feels like I am trapped in a dream, where my movements just happen; as if I have absolutely no control. I slowly walk to my locker, trying to say even the simplest hello to everyone who talks to me. Finally, I manage to reach my locker, but my cold fingers won't allow me to open it.
My frustration rises as I struggle over and over again to unlock my locker.
I hand slides down my back. Vince, I know it is. The way his warm fingers massage the small of my and slowly move around my waist.
But my mind won't allow the answer to be that easy. My body tenses up. Vince kisses my neck, brushing my blond hair away.
"Need help?" Vince whispers in my ear as he rests his head on my shoulder.
Hearing his voice relaxes me. I melt into his soft touch, forgetting momentarily about the world… and about the notebook.
"Yes," I say softly.
He chuckles. "The homecoming queen needs help?"
I sigh. "Will the homecoming king help her?"
He nods in my shoulder. Vince reaches around me and dials the number in for me.
I place my math book inside and turn to him as he shuts the locker. I prepare for a kiss, and I can tell that Vince is doing the same, but I think about the girl and about the notebook again. My mind spins as I quickly forget about the insanely wonderful man holding me. What is going on?
Vince gives me a look as he relaxes his puckered lips. "You okay?"
I inhale. Should I tell him? Maybe it would be best. Vince would know what to do. Vince always knows what to do.
"Well…" I begin.
"Vince!" Kris calls. He runs over, with Cathy by his side. A group quickly forms around us.
Too many people. I can't tell him now. Maybe later…
"Jess," Tammy says. I look at her. "Are you okay?"
I give a fake smile. "Yeah, I’m fine… just not really feeling well. I shouldn't go to practice..."
Tammy nods. "Okay. I'll tell coach. Feel better!" I hear the hint of anger in her voice. But I don’t care.
I don't get a chance to talk to Vince.

I sit on my bed, staring at the notebook. It is calling out to me, somehow. It is asking me to read it...begging, in fact. This girl must be going through hell not knowing where this book is. I feel bad for not turning it in. But what if someone takes it and it's not theirs? What if they post it all over school? What if it gets out?
I am a good person for keeping it.
My hand reaches for the notebook and opens it to page three.

~Entry Three
_____Dear Journal
_____I am not even sure if it is healthy to write my thoughts and feelings anymore, because of how dark they are about to get. But, rereading this one day in the future...if I am still alive...might actually make me laugh... or want to kill myself all over again. But I believe that I will finish the job the first time, so no worries.
_____I feel as though I am falling into the dark hell of nothingness. Only death will comfort the pain inside of my soul now. But I must ask, why me?
_____Why must I be the one who suffers while those around me live in peace and happiness.
_____Happiness; such a foreign word to me.
_____The last time I can actually remember being happy was the seventh grade and I did a science project. My partner and I were supposed to add two chemicals of our own choice and report the reaction. But we added all of the chemicals together, and laughed when our teacher threw us under the emergency shower because the chemicals got on our clothes.
_____I thought that she was going to be my very first best friend. Somehow I managed to believe that I wasn't alone in this fucking world, and that someone cared about me a little bit. We wrote notes to each other for two whole weeks in detention, back and forth.
_____And after that, I tried to sit with her during lunch one day. Little did I know that she was a preppy. I sat down, and she laughed along with her friends as the teased me. They all got up and left, even that girl.
_____Too bad I have the miss fortune of dealing with the girls' shit every day. How many tears have I cried because of Jessica Parker? I have no idea. But because of her I have finally realized that no one is meant to be my so called "friend", and I shall walk this earth alone...for the short time that I do so.
_____It won't be long now. I promise myself that. I promise that EVERYONE who has hurt me will know my name after I am gone. I promise that they will regret every single thing that they have done to me. I promise myself that they will look at my cold, dead body they way they NEVER did when I was alive. I promise...
_____That every word, every rumor, every tease and name will be taken back all at one second.
_____Never will they laugh at a person who looks a little different after they see what they have done to me!
_____........Okay, so it is not as dark as I thought it would be. And I guess that anger is what I am feeling right now. Weird, because when I started writing I was sad. It's funny how memories can change emotion so fast.....
_____Signed,
~~~~~~~~~~Alone