Feeding on Chaos and Living in Sin

Roses for our anniversary . . . $72.00

The teddy bear at the carnival that I emptied my wallet out for and nearly dislocated my shoulder for to make you happy . . . $36.50

Countless "because I love you" gifts . . . $200.00 +

Heart pendant you had to have but only wore once . . . $150.00

Engagement ring . . . $12, 000

Broken heart . . . priceless

When you tell someone "I love you," it means forever, right? It means you'll loyally stay by that person's side for the rest of your life no matter how hard the times are, and not go off with some other guy you've met while visiting your sister in Richmond, right? It means you're devoted to one person and that one person only, right?

That's how most people seem to define love.

I must have a different dictionary than everyone else then, because she broke every single one of those laws, along with my fragile heart.

And you know how she "dumped me," per say?

That's right; through some lame, abbreviated text message.

I haven't touched my cell phone since.

Hell, I haven't even shaven since then, let alone check my god damn cell phone to see if she'd changed her mind and actually wanted me back through another text message.

I'd much rather just be swallowed by a hole.

Yeah, a giant, pitch black hole with sharp, pointy rocks at the bottom sounds much more appealing than where my life currently was headed.

These past three weeks, I hadn't left the apartment once. I rarely ate, and, when I did, usually ended up throwing it up after. The only liquid to enter my body was some kind of alcohol, probably not helping my food intake. The affects of what one silly, forgettable (with time, and only at the time seemed impossible) girl could have on me were crazy - things I thought only happened on TV and were now happening to me.

The mind and heart were two things I would never understand; and I wasn't even going to try to grasp the complexity of them.

Because then things like this happen to you.

You wound up with a broken heart and no clue what the first step is to mending it.

I mean, surely band-aids and a little Neosporin won't work.

And the chances of me just picking up my life before she'd entered it and continuing from there aren't very likely. These sorts of things take time to get over.

I could look for a new "soul mate," whatever that means. After all, I was so sure that's what her role was in my life. Ha, look how wrong that turned out to be. Besides, what girl wants to date the pathetic, short guy who really needs a shower and has no idea what so ever where his life is headed?

I know I wouldn't date him.

So I'm left with the final option.

Continue drinking my life away until, eventually, I either end up dead or in prison. Maybe Id be lucky and die in prison.

Sounds bad, but it's true.

This pain was really starting to feel unbearable to me.

"Aw, come on, man. I thought you were gonna clean up today. Maybe try sobering up, too," my roommate's, Mikey, voice suddenly rang through my ears, pulling me from my thoughts and my stare at the soft, crumb covered carpeting of our apartment.

Oh yeah. Clean up. I was supposed to do that today, huh? Well, there's always tomorrow.

"I haven't had one drink today," I tried to defend myself about the "sobering up" part of his statement, even though it was a complete and utter lie. I'd finished the last of my bottle of JD today. I was just good at holding my liquor.

"Oh really?" Mikey said with a knowing hint I his eyes. He crossed his arms over his chest as I sat, completely still and motionless, in the old, worn arm chair in the corner of our recently adapted bachelor pad's living room. "When I left this morning, there was still a good three inches in that bottle. Care to explain what happened to it?"

I looked to my left at the empty bottle on the dinner tray, a guilty smile instantly filling my lips.

Damn! I forgot to ditch the evidence.

"I. . .poured it down. . .the. . .drain?" I asked more than said, watching an angry expression wash over Mikey's once calm and collective face.

"Frank! It's been nearly three weeks! I know you loved Steph and all -" I winced at the name I'd been avoiding for nearly a month now - "but you've gotta move on. We both know damn well she has," he said, clearly frustrated with me.

Mikey raising his voice at someone was a rare occasion, so I was surprised that he'd not only done that but also mentioned her name in front of me.

And, as much as I wanted to be mad at him and storm off in a dramatic leave to my room, I couldn't help but be thankful for having him as my friend at a time like this, as lame as it sounded.

We had a stare-off with each other for what felt like hours, my eyes wide in shock and his narrowed, until, finally, his face softened.

"Look, man," he said, raising his thin, lanky arm to scratch the back of his head sheepishly, like he was ashamed of his actions, "I'm sorry. I just don't want to see you throw your life away, you know. What I'm saying is, don't let one girl ruin your life. There are other fish in the sea," he spoke slowly, probably trying not to startle me further, seeing as how my eyes were still wide and I hadn't said anything - nor was I planning on it.

After a few more seconds of our stare-off, he sighed, retreating to his bedroom after realizing I was intent on keeping my thoughts and words to myself.