I'm Sorry, Joey
Fate.
It was almost surreal the next day, sitting next to Billie Joe on the couch in the Armstrong living room, perfectly poised and polite, a respectful distance from each other when our last encounter had involved tears and fierce kissing up against some random car while the stadium roared and cheered behind us. Adrienne was on the other side of Billie, her hand resting comfortably on his thigh, and each time I saw it out of the corner of my eye, I felt a twinge of jealousy I couldn’t shut off, an immature twisting of my stomach.
I was saved from further awkwardness as Joey had sauntered into the room, wearing a white wife beater and plaid pajama pants that hung low on his hips. His brown hair was mussed with sleep and he held a white envelope in his hand, just opened. His cheeks were flushed and suddenly I knew why he had called me over so abruptly, though I had an idea in the back of my mind from the second my phone rang earlier that morning.
“Well, Joe? What’s the occasion?” Adrienne asked, her sweet voice curious. I didn’t have to look at her to know she was smiling. I think she knew just as well as I did what was coming.
“Mom… Dad… Liz…” He said, smiling at me, communicating with his eyes that he had forgiven me for the night before. I wanted to punch him and kiss him at the same time, because the way his brown eyes were looking at me reminded so much of when we were kids, before I fell in love with his father, before I fell in love with Joey himself. In that moment, he both reminded me of the sweet little boy I first met and embodied the self assured jock he had eventually become. I had to close my eyes to stop the two images from meshing and confusing myself even further.
“I got my acceptance letter today,” Joey informed us in an easy sort of way, as if the door to his future wasn’t grasped in his fingers. My stomach flipped over, even though this was exactly what I had expected. “College acceptance letter.” He added unnecessarily.
“You never told us where you were going,” I said bluntly, without really thinking. “And I’m assuming you were accepted, so where did you apply to?”
On a normal day, this probably would have righteously pissed Joey off, but it seemed that nothing could deter him this morning. He smiled widely and walked closer to us, so he was directly in the middle of the room.
“Well, Liz, funny you should ask. I knew you weren’t too big on the whole college thing, so I didn’t want to bring it up. But then one day I found a brochure in your purse, and I knew where you had applied to.” I almost opened to my mouth to ask him what the fuck he had been doing in my purse, but thought better of it, as it didn’t really look like Joey was done.
“So I applied there myself.” Joey looked immensely proud of himself, and I saw the adoring gaze on Adrienne’s face as she looked at her firstborn son, proud of him and his devotion, I guess. Billie betrayed no emotion, just kept a look of curious surprise on his face. But I knew Billie better than that, and I could see by the tightening of his jaw that he was thinking exactly what I was.
Which brochure did Joey find?
I had been given a brochure for NYU and Berkeley. Which one had I kept in my purse? I racked my brains but had no idea.
“I wanted it to be a surprise. So, surprise, baby.” Joey leaned in and kissed the tip of my nose as I smiled at him, still keeping my face a happy mask as I tried to think of what to do.
“So, Mom and Dad, here you go. My acceptance letter,” He handed it over to Billie, and before I had a chance to look at the return address on the front, Joey said: “I’m a New York man now!”
The letter slipped from Billie’s hands and my mouth dropped open visibly, though everyone was more preoccupied with the dropped letter than my facial expressions.
I tried to speak, found I couldn’t, and coughed loudly, trying to find both my voice and the words.
“Joey… Joey, wait.” I choked out, my heart thumping a million miles an hour.
Joey looked over at me, still smiling. “What, babe?”
“I.. I got my acceptance letter yesterday.” The emotions swirling around inside me were conflicting, crashing, dehabilitating.
“I know! I’m so excited to start the school year -”
“Acceptance letter to Berkeley, Joey! Not New York! Berkeley! You got the wrong brochure!” My words were strangled but I had to stop him. I didn’t want to hear about his excitement or his plans for our new life together - and in that moment when his face twisted and fell I regretted deceiving him more than ever. There in front of me was the shy, sweet little thirteen year old who kissed me on his bed, all traces of the teenage jock gone. I wished I could apologize, but all my apologies would never suffice for all the lies I’d told, all the things I’d thought.
“But… your purse…” He started weakly, his hands hanging limp at his sides.
“In the end I decided on Berkeley. I didn’t know, Joey. I didn’t know you were leaving California. I didn’t… I couldn’t have…”
Adrienne was tugging on Billie’s arm, trying to take him out of the room, leave us to our own problems. But Billie wasn’t budging.
“It’s too late now for either of us to change.” Joey said in a quiet, choppy sort of voice.
“I… I know.”
“We… we won’t be together now,” Joey seemed to be stuck on this train of thought, unable to break through the fact that his plan had backfired - now he was going across the country all alone, while I was staying home. “We can’t be together now. I wish you had… I wish you had told me.”
Joey’s eyes, brown in color but green in spirit, were filling with tears. I looked away from him and chanced a glance at Billie, and for one second, our eyes met. And in that moment, I remembered the past few years of my life, all the stolen kisses and all the lies, all the frantic trysts and tears and guilt, and most of all, I remembered the first time I heard him say ‘I love you’, in a voice that was made to be magnified across stadiums but really was just hiding the insecure softness of a hurt young boy. I remembered how I felt, just a broken little girl, how I knew it was so wrong but it felt so, so right. So beautiful.
Billie nodded, almost imperceptibly, and I knew that no matter how much this went against the natural order of things, what was happening was supposed to happen. I belonged with Billie and Billie belonged with me.
“I’m sorry, Joey,” I finally said. “More than you’ll ever know.”
I was saved from further awkwardness as Joey had sauntered into the room, wearing a white wife beater and plaid pajama pants that hung low on his hips. His brown hair was mussed with sleep and he held a white envelope in his hand, just opened. His cheeks were flushed and suddenly I knew why he had called me over so abruptly, though I had an idea in the back of my mind from the second my phone rang earlier that morning.
“Well, Joe? What’s the occasion?” Adrienne asked, her sweet voice curious. I didn’t have to look at her to know she was smiling. I think she knew just as well as I did what was coming.
“Mom… Dad… Liz…” He said, smiling at me, communicating with his eyes that he had forgiven me for the night before. I wanted to punch him and kiss him at the same time, because the way his brown eyes were looking at me reminded so much of when we were kids, before I fell in love with his father, before I fell in love with Joey himself. In that moment, he both reminded me of the sweet little boy I first met and embodied the self assured jock he had eventually become. I had to close my eyes to stop the two images from meshing and confusing myself even further.
“I got my acceptance letter today,” Joey informed us in an easy sort of way, as if the door to his future wasn’t grasped in his fingers. My stomach flipped over, even though this was exactly what I had expected. “College acceptance letter.” He added unnecessarily.
“You never told us where you were going,” I said bluntly, without really thinking. “And I’m assuming you were accepted, so where did you apply to?”
On a normal day, this probably would have righteously pissed Joey off, but it seemed that nothing could deter him this morning. He smiled widely and walked closer to us, so he was directly in the middle of the room.
“Well, Liz, funny you should ask. I knew you weren’t too big on the whole college thing, so I didn’t want to bring it up. But then one day I found a brochure in your purse, and I knew where you had applied to.” I almost opened to my mouth to ask him what the fuck he had been doing in my purse, but thought better of it, as it didn’t really look like Joey was done.
“So I applied there myself.” Joey looked immensely proud of himself, and I saw the adoring gaze on Adrienne’s face as she looked at her firstborn son, proud of him and his devotion, I guess. Billie betrayed no emotion, just kept a look of curious surprise on his face. But I knew Billie better than that, and I could see by the tightening of his jaw that he was thinking exactly what I was.
Which brochure did Joey find?
I had been given a brochure for NYU and Berkeley. Which one had I kept in my purse? I racked my brains but had no idea.
“I wanted it to be a surprise. So, surprise, baby.” Joey leaned in and kissed the tip of my nose as I smiled at him, still keeping my face a happy mask as I tried to think of what to do.
“So, Mom and Dad, here you go. My acceptance letter,” He handed it over to Billie, and before I had a chance to look at the return address on the front, Joey said: “I’m a New York man now!”
The letter slipped from Billie’s hands and my mouth dropped open visibly, though everyone was more preoccupied with the dropped letter than my facial expressions.
I tried to speak, found I couldn’t, and coughed loudly, trying to find both my voice and the words.
“Joey… Joey, wait.” I choked out, my heart thumping a million miles an hour.
Joey looked over at me, still smiling. “What, babe?”
“I.. I got my acceptance letter yesterday.” The emotions swirling around inside me were conflicting, crashing, dehabilitating.
“I know! I’m so excited to start the school year -”
“Acceptance letter to Berkeley, Joey! Not New York! Berkeley! You got the wrong brochure!” My words were strangled but I had to stop him. I didn’t want to hear about his excitement or his plans for our new life together - and in that moment when his face twisted and fell I regretted deceiving him more than ever. There in front of me was the shy, sweet little thirteen year old who kissed me on his bed, all traces of the teenage jock gone. I wished I could apologize, but all my apologies would never suffice for all the lies I’d told, all the things I’d thought.
“But… your purse…” He started weakly, his hands hanging limp at his sides.
“In the end I decided on Berkeley. I didn’t know, Joey. I didn’t know you were leaving California. I didn’t… I couldn’t have…”
Adrienne was tugging on Billie’s arm, trying to take him out of the room, leave us to our own problems. But Billie wasn’t budging.
“It’s too late now for either of us to change.” Joey said in a quiet, choppy sort of voice.
“I… I know.”
“We… we won’t be together now,” Joey seemed to be stuck on this train of thought, unable to break through the fact that his plan had backfired - now he was going across the country all alone, while I was staying home. “We can’t be together now. I wish you had… I wish you had told me.”
Joey’s eyes, brown in color but green in spirit, were filling with tears. I looked away from him and chanced a glance at Billie, and for one second, our eyes met. And in that moment, I remembered the past few years of my life, all the stolen kisses and all the lies, all the frantic trysts and tears and guilt, and most of all, I remembered the first time I heard him say ‘I love you’, in a voice that was made to be magnified across stadiums but really was just hiding the insecure softness of a hurt young boy. I remembered how I felt, just a broken little girl, how I knew it was so wrong but it felt so, so right. So beautiful.
Billie nodded, almost imperceptibly, and I knew that no matter how much this went against the natural order of things, what was happening was supposed to happen. I belonged with Billie and Billie belonged with me.
“I’m sorry, Joey,” I finally said. “More than you’ll ever know.”
♠ ♠ ♠
It's over, everyone. Thank you for sticking with my terribly sparse updates throughout all this time.As much as I bitch and moan about this story, I can see my writing evolving through from the first chapter onwards. This story opened many doors and brought me to many people who are now some of the most important in my life (I'm looking at you, Emily and Jojo) and I owe it many, many thanks.