Arachne in Blunderland
Silent Horror Films That Shouldn't Be
I am faced today with a less than happy thought. That I have over and over again loved unrequitedly... Something of a ridiculous thought, considering Saturday's number wasn't a large one. But it's there...
Today, I recognize for the millionth time that I am not a desirable creature. I don't possess any attracting features. But I have seen people with the same and even remarkably less get exactly what they want in another person. Is it perhaps that I expect too much? Is it that I've been lied to and cheated on and broken in half before so I shut things out?
Yeah, right.
I am firmly of the belief that everyone is worth at least a small amount of your time and that everyone has some redeeming characteristic. Don't I? Or is it over-shadowed by my false arrogance? Do my constant streams of 'Radder than thou' and other such nonsense really fool anyone? Is it something in the way I look? The way I speak? Or conduct myself?
Ahleesah and Oneesan, while they are admittedly perfect for each other, had to do a lot to get to the point they are. She let him walk all over her and break her apart and come back over and over before they got to this 'happy' place. She always said she was in love with him, she was always patient. Do I lack this? Am I simply beyond being pushed around? Shouldn't I be?
Should people have to over-look things to get what they want? And if they do, is it really what they wanted?
The above puzzlements are brought on by only a few things that happened between today and yesterday. The first being that I woke up and stayed up all day yesterday. The second was one of my more trusted (and thereby one of the more commonly piss-offing with his incessant 'rightness') comrades first phone call to me yesterday. 'You'll never guess who I saw at 'Snostrebla a few minutes ago.' After a few seconds he told me and I became something different. I knew he was still there. I knew he still breathed and walked and LIVED. But I had killed him. Or, rather, I'd had him kill himself. The first time, he'd written a short note to no one. It didn't say he was sorry, just that he wanted to be cremated. Then he'd taken a box cutter and carved an 'X' into his chest and slit his wrist in the correct direction. (When he wasn't doing such things to himself, he was getting run over by a semi.) Now, since my happy thoughts have been shattered, I want to see him... I want to tell him what an asshole he is, what he did to my brain and eyes, what he did to Ahleesah and how his name is used only as a swear.
Of course, there is Hot Topic Guy David... But that's off subject.
The third was brought about this morning. My nightmarish (and I mean that in a non-insulting way) lovely is leaving I believe... It's funny, but I have mentioned her here as 'love' repeatedly and yet I still hold myself in a position that doesn't accept it. I do not understand why I give such a damn about her... A different kind of damn than other girls get... And yet, I've never denied that I have no definite sexuality... I'm just... Confused, I suppose. Anyway, I constantly think that if I had tried harder or just said something before December 9th, 2005, something would be different.
I guess these aren't' the only things that brought such thoughts on. There is the idiocy of certain college- going, McDonalds-working, stupid-friend-dating losers who can't make up their damn minds. And then the unfortunate run-ins with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named... And I'm not talking Voldemort. (Though I did look better than usual that night.) It's just that, by this point in my High School career, one would think I'd have had some kind of lasting relationship... Or at least been touched inappropriately by a non-gay, non-female person.
*IdiotIdiotIdiot*
Oh, yeah and the Taking Back Sunday is fantastic... You should get some.
Today, I recognize for the millionth time that I am not a desirable creature. I don't possess any attracting features. But I have seen people with the same and even remarkably less get exactly what they want in another person. Is it perhaps that I expect too much? Is it that I've been lied to and cheated on and broken in half before so I shut things out?
Yeah, right.
I am firmly of the belief that everyone is worth at least a small amount of your time and that everyone has some redeeming characteristic. Don't I? Or is it over-shadowed by my false arrogance? Do my constant streams of 'Radder than thou' and other such nonsense really fool anyone? Is it something in the way I look? The way I speak? Or conduct myself?
Ahleesah and Oneesan, while they are admittedly perfect for each other, had to do a lot to get to the point they are. She let him walk all over her and break her apart and come back over and over before they got to this 'happy' place. She always said she was in love with him, she was always patient. Do I lack this? Am I simply beyond being pushed around? Shouldn't I be?
Should people have to over-look things to get what they want? And if they do, is it really what they wanted?
The above puzzlements are brought on by only a few things that happened between today and yesterday. The first being that I woke up and stayed up all day yesterday. The second was one of my more trusted (and thereby one of the more commonly piss-offing with his incessant 'rightness') comrades first phone call to me yesterday. 'You'll never guess who I saw at 'Snostrebla a few minutes ago.' After a few seconds he told me and I became something different. I knew he was still there. I knew he still breathed and walked and LIVED. But I had killed him. Or, rather, I'd had him kill himself. The first time, he'd written a short note to no one. It didn't say he was sorry, just that he wanted to be cremated. Then he'd taken a box cutter and carved an 'X' into his chest and slit his wrist in the correct direction. (When he wasn't doing such things to himself, he was getting run over by a semi.) Now, since my happy thoughts have been shattered, I want to see him... I want to tell him what an asshole he is, what he did to my brain and eyes, what he did to Ahleesah and how his name is used only as a swear.
Of course, there is Hot Topic Guy David... But that's off subject.
The third was brought about this morning. My nightmarish (and I mean that in a non-insulting way) lovely is leaving I believe... It's funny, but I have mentioned her here as 'love' repeatedly and yet I still hold myself in a position that doesn't accept it. I do not understand why I give such a damn about her... A different kind of damn than other girls get... And yet, I've never denied that I have no definite sexuality... I'm just... Confused, I suppose. Anyway, I constantly think that if I had tried harder or just said something before December 9th, 2005, something would be different.
I guess these aren't' the only things that brought such thoughts on. There is the idiocy of certain college- going, McDonalds-working, stupid-friend-dating losers who can't make up their damn minds. And then the unfortunate run-ins with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named... And I'm not talking Voldemort. (Though I did look better than usual that night.) It's just that, by this point in my High School career, one would think I'd have had some kind of lasting relationship... Or at least been touched inappropriately by a non-gay, non-female person.
*IdiotIdiotIdiot*
Oh, yeah and the Taking Back Sunday is fantastic... You should get some.