Troubles

We're sitting pretty far apart again. After I finished crying, I thanked Mikey and then we agreed that it never happened. And then we sat in each our chair and didn't talk.

I know what I'm thinking about; I'm thinking about what I've been thinking about for the past hour or more. But what is Mikey thinking? Is he gonna tell Gerard that I told him that he's gay? Will he tell his parents? And Ray and Bob?

Or will he stay quiet about it?

No, he won't. He's Mikey. He couldn't keep my secret about not having paid for a packet of Pop Rocks long enough for us to get out of the store. Sure, we were only 11, but still; he's horrible at keeping secrets.

But then again, so am I. I outed his brother.

I really hope he's not gonna out me. To his brother, I mean. I hope he's not gonna tell his brother that I outed him. That I outed Gerard.

Urgh! My thoughts are a big mess right now. I'm too confused and sad and...worried.

I look over at Mikey, who's sitting at the other end of the first row of chairs.

“You're not gonna tell Gerard, are you?” Mikey jumps when I first speak, breaking the heavy silence. The fact that we're both so wrapped up in our own thoughts makes the air in the room so thick.

“Tell him what?” he asks, obviously having a hard time coming out of his thoughts and participating in an actual conversation, and not just one in his own head.

“That I told you he's gay,” I say carefully, trying not to put any ideas into his head.

“Of course I am.” I guess he already had that idea in his head.

“But-”

“You're my best friend, right?” he suddenly asks, cutting me off before I can even objects.
I nod my head quickly in confusion.

“Yeah?” I ask. Mikey smiles oddly – almost triumphantly.

“So. It's normal for friends to talk about these things. You couldn't know that Gerard haven't had the fucking guts to tell me yet. I mean, it's a pretty normal thing to do, right? Especially before asking a guy out. And most definitely before asking his brother's best friend to be his fucking boyfriend.”

Mikey is really mad. I didn't even know he could get this angry. His half-ass smiles and avoiding attitude always had me think that he could never get angry. I once even suspected he was smoking pot or something, considering how calm and relaxed he was all the time, but I quickly learned that that's just Mikey being Mikey.

But Mikey mad? That's unusual. That scares me.

I look down at the floor and frown.

“It's not my fault,” I mumble, half-way hoping he won't hear me. I don't want him to be mad at me, even if he weren't in the first place.

“What?” He didn't here me.
“Of course not.” He did.

He walks over towards the locked door, away from me, as he runs a hand through his hair. He turns around, looking down at the ground and flattens his hair back down.

“It just,” he says and then hesitates. He suddenly sighs slowly, letting his shoulders drop and his eyelids fall closed.
“I wasn't told. I was left out of this entire,” he says, shaking his head and obviously having a hard time finding the word he's looking for. He stops shaking his head and opens his eyes.

He tilts his head slightly and looks off to the side, looking around the room.

“My best friend is homeless,” he says, as if he doesn't believe it; as if it's all a joke.
“And my brother is,” he hesitates, closes his eyes and shakes his head again, but he quickly stops and looks up at me, finally raising his head. He stares me straight in the eye.
“He's gay,” he says in the same tone of voice as before. He looks down at the floor, his eyes darting from one spot to another.
“My brother is gay.” He swallows hard.
“It's just hard to get used to.” He shrugs.
“It's just hard to get.” I look down.

He'll get it soon enough. Whether I say yes or no to being with Gerard, he'll get it soon enough. Whether he needs to comfort his broken-hearted brother or congratulate him and me, he'll get it soon enough.

Me being homeless is something even I have never gotten.