Troubles

Lockers

I went to school even though Brian said I could stay home. 'Home'. It almost sounds ridiculous now. I barely even now what the word means anymore; it's been so long wince I've used it – or felt it.

I didn't have a chance to call Mikey, seeing as when I'd taken a shower and eaten breakfast, it was time to leave since I had to catch the bus and Brian had to prepare the shop for opening.

When I reach my locker, Ray's got his head inside his, a few lockers down from mine.

“Hi Ray,” I say as I start fumbling with the lock. When I open mine, I hear his locker slam shut.

“Hi Frank. Where've you been?” he asks. When I look up at him, he's smiling. I guess neither Gerard or Mikey have told him – anything.

“Around? I was here yesterday.” I pull out my chemistry book, stuffing it into my bag, behind my notebook. I actually call it mine now, not one of Mikey's. Maybe it's because the content of it has suddenly become very much mine.

“Yeah, but I didn't see you. I haven't seen you for days,” he says, sounding outraged, but I know it's just his way of over-dramatizing everything.

“Did I miss anything important?” I ask with a smirk on my face. I try not to sound too ridiculing, but really; we're in school. Nothing important ever happens at school.
Ray shrugs.

“Well, Gerard's cranky for no apparent reason.” I feel a suck of guilt in my gut.
“At least none that he cares to mention,” he says, sounding a little insulted. I guess he has every right to be; Gerard and him are best friends. If Mikey didn't tell me why he was down, I guess I'd feel rejected too.

I shrug, not knowing what to say to it. I guess I know the reason, but it might not be the entire reason. And beside, it's Gerard's business telling Ray, not mine.

“Do you know anything?” he asks, and I turn to face him. Behind him, I notice the table where Gerard usually sits and collects money for his charities. He isn't there; he hasn't been for a while.

“I think it's kinda my fault,” I say without really realizing how true that statement is until after I've said it. It's so true.

“How?” I close my locker. I look around to check that no one's listening. I hate it when people eavesdrop.

“I kinda insulted his charity work,” I say, only telling half a lie. If it wasn't for Gerard's crush on me, it wouldn't be a lie at all.
“I said it was useless or something like that and he got all defensive. I know I fucked up,” I say, shrugging at that last sentence. I feel embarrassed by taking the blame, but really, it is as if I started the snowball. I'm not sure which way it rolled – which odd, twisted way it rolled – but somehow, it ended up where it is now; big, complicated and seemingly... unmeltable.
And it's all my fault. I know that. Now.

“But didn't that happen a few weeks ago? Or did you repeat yourself recently?” My lie seems to crumble a bit.

I just shrug, pretending to be ashamed of having repeated my insult. That's a complete lie, but Ray doesn't need to know. If possible, he'll never find out that I'm homeless.

Am I even homeless anymore?

“Sucks dude,” Ray says and shakes his head, which makes his hair bounce from side to side. How he managed to grow that much hair in just three years truly amazes me.
I nod.
“Well, Gerard just needs to get over it. It's not like you slept with his mom,” Ray jokes. I laugh with him. He doesn't notice it's a pity-laugh – a fake laugh.

The bell rings and Ray jumps.

“Shit. Gotta run. See you at lunch,” he says rapidly, before he runs down the hall, keeping his word. I turn and walk to my next class, the feeling in my gut ten times heavier than the weight of my backpack.

I hate chemistry. There's too much to know – to much to deal with.
♠ ♠ ♠
And I kick the year off with a semi-sucky chappy. =S
Sorry...
But now you know what Ray knows. =)