Troubles

I sit down on the bench. He isn't here. I thought he might've gone here, since this is where I went a week ago when I just wanted to get away. I thought I knew where to find him, but I didn't. I thought I knew; I really thought we finally understood each other. But maybe that will never happen.

Donna told me to stay, but I was out the door before she could say anything else. I just wanted to find him.

I look around and see that I'm completely alone. It's dark. It looks like it's gonna rain, which is probably why I'm not afraid that someone is gonna jump out of the bushes behind me and rob me – people don't go out in the rain this late, and beside, I have nothing to be robbed of. I own nothing of importance. I was close to it, but I was too blind to realize it.

I hate that I didn't notice it; I hate that I didn't notice how close we had gotten, and how much that meant to me: how much he meant to me. Everything could've gone so easily had I just opened up and taken his hints as more than just... words.

I pull my feet up and lean my arms on my knees. I press my lips against my arm, feeling like Dopey as my nose peeps up over my forearm.

I guess I always imagined that my life would turn out kinda like Cinderella; that one day a prince would come and sweep me off my feet. But, on the contrary, I never really imagined anything. I've never crushed on anyone – I think. I don't ever remember having a crush. I really liked my English teacher in the 5th grade, but I think that was more due to the fact that she reminded me of my mom, rather than it being a crush. Actually, I accidentally called her mom once. I don't think anyone heard. I hope no one heard.

I never imagined what love would be for me. I guess it was just sort of a subconscious illusion that I expected would just show up one day, and then my life would be happy ever after.

But I never knew I had to open myself up to see it.

It's silly to think that Gerard is my one and only, but what if he is? Or what if he's the one who will lead me to the one and only? Maybe Gerard can teach me how to open up.

Maybe he's already helped me with that. I mean, he helped me get things out. He never forced me, but somehow he still got me to tell him about my situation. It's like he just has a natural ability to make people confide in him.

But if I can do that, then why can't I trust him? Or does that mean that I do trust him?

He did find out about my situation by accident. If he hadn't, would I still have told him?

I clench my jaw and look off to the side, down the sidewalk.

I hate all the questions that keep running through my mind. Why would I need to ask myself all these question? Shouldn't I be able to tell how I feel, just by...feeling?

Gerard said that I was in love. He said that the stomach aches and dizziness is all part of it.

Do I trust him?