Troubles

Wake

I wake up out of breath again. I sit up straight to breathe more easily and cough to get rid of whatever it is that's blocking my throat. I cough dryly for a bit as I turn to lean my back against the wall and pull the thick duvet over me, only my head sticking out. It's cold. I'm cold. And I think I'm coming down with a cold.

I wish I could just skip ahead a month or so. Then I wouldn't have to be sick and I wouldn't have to deal with winter – still, I don't wanna miss Christmas – and then I would have to go back to school and face Gerard.

It's gonna be so awkward. I mean, he obviously doesn't wanna talk to me since he avoided me all day yesterday. Well, really it was just all morning, but the fact that he did it and didn't come to say goodbye and didn't wanted me to stay in the living room when he was talking to his parents about kissing me just tells me he doesn't want me near him.

It always goes like this between us. Ever since Gerard decided that he was in love with me, it's gone up and down like this. Before, when we were just friends, it was just plain... plain between us. There was no drama or anything. We were just sorta there in each others' lives; we were almost forced to know each other.

When Gerard started to want to get closer to me and spend more time with me, I just saw it as sort of a bonus. I mean, he's an awesome guy. I know I'm pretty much the only one in the world who thinks that, but he still is. I mean, Mikey thinks Gerard is a dork. Ray sees him as just a friend who's fun to hang out with – at least that's how it comes across. I don't think Ray's ever thought Gerard was particularly cool or awesome, as I like to call him. I guess there's just something about him that makes him so great to hang out with. He just has this natural 'aura' of relaxation; I can't help but relax around him. There's simply just no pressure on me when I'm around him.

But now, it's all gotten awkward. Ever since my secret came out, he's been awkward. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him, and now that his secret is out, I am. I'm literally tip-toeing when I'm around him, hoping not to... hurt him. Because I don't want to do that. Ever.
I've never really wanted to do that. Every time he's asked me to donate to his charity – any one of them – I've always said 'yes' or 'sure'. I didn't want to hurt him by turning him down, so I gave him a dollar or fifty cent or anything every week, just to make him happy. I did that every week, right up until that week where he'd chosen the homeless as his charity. I just couldn't do it. For once, I had the chance to donate to something that could actually benefit myself, but I just couldn't do it. It was such a slap in the face to be called a charity that I just snapped.

And I hurt him.

For the first time in my life, I think, I hope, I hurt him. And that hurt me. The look on his face when I told him that he was a fake was enough for me to just crumble. I seriously felt like I was crumbling into pieces in front of him. And it wasn't because of the slap in the face, it wasn't because he was indirectly and unknowingly calling me a charity case, and it wasn't because I suddenly realized how horrible I really had it because I was homeless.

It was because of him. He made me crumble. He made me fall apart when I saw him sad. Just that one look did it for me.

It was the same kind of look he had in his eyes after his dad saw us, only then it was ten times worse. But still, it had me falling apart, because I felt like I was the one who had caused it – again.

And maybe I was. Maybe Gerard is blaming me for ever making him feel that way and for having his dad look at him that way. After all, I was the one who kissed him.

And he kissed back.

I pull my knees up until my feet hit my ass, wrap my arms around my stomach and bury my face in my duvet. Even though I try, I can't hold back the smile. I try to hide it in the bright-blue fabric, but hiding a smile from yourself is just impossible. I wrap my arms tighter around my stomach to keep the tickling down, but I can't do anything about it.

He kissed me. And I kissed him. And he kissed me back. And he held my hand and I held his and we just sat there when the world didn't exist and just...kissed.

I can't help but giggle at how utterly stupid I sound. I didn't exactly make a sound, but in my head, I sound utterly ridiculous. I'm being so foolish. I'm so...in love.

“What's so funny?” Brian asks mumbling. I look up quickly, and when I look at his face, I suddenly remember why I was hiding my face in the first place. I try to wipe the grin off of my face, but it's impossible. The thought of why I'm smiling only makes me smile more.

Brian's looking at me like I've lost my mind; a mixture of wonder and amusement in his eyes. He smirks lightly, before he turns around.

“I'll make some breakfast,” he mumbles as he walks out of the room.

My room.

I laugh suddenly, but then cough to keep the insanity to a minimum. I giggle under my breath, coughing afterward to get what feels like sand out of my throat. But I'm still smiling, even though I know tomorrow morning is gonna be awkward.
♠ ♠ ♠
Short. Short. And, uhm, short. Frankie?
Sorry for the long wait! A grenade blew up outside my window.

I know, I know: that sounds an aweful lot like a poor excuse. But it isn't. A grenade blew up outside my window. If there're any Danes out there, feel free to read here. (headline translated: Old grenade stops the metro/ subway)

Anywho, since it's not accepted by the Oxford Dictionary, I just thought I'd go: "OMG!!! I fucking <3 you guys!! FTW! WTF? No LOL's?"

Alright, I'm done with my rant. Hope you enjoyed the chappy and will enjoy the rest of your day, however short a long it might be. =D