Troubles

I watch students file in the doors of the school, all of them early. Gerard babbled about some project he'd forgotten that he'd maybe try to do this morning, but I guess I ruined his plans, because as soon as we pulled into a parking lot about a hundred feet from the school's main entrance, neither of us got out.

It's been about a minute, now, I think. We haven't said a thing. Last thing said was my 'yeah' to Gerard's 'here we are'.

Things are obviously awkward, I can't deny that. I just don't know what to say to him. In a way, I wanna tell him that I don't wanna go all public yet, but I don't wanna hurt his feelings. We've only just started this thing, and we're already incredibly awkward around each other, which means our 'thing' isn't strong enough to withstand a spat yet. I don't wanna upset him, 'cause I don't wanna lose what hasn't even properly started yet.

I glance over at him and smile shyly. He's smiling right back. He looks so genuinely happy; as if there's nothing holding him back and absolutely no doubt in his mind that he's truly happy.

Me, on the other hand, I feel so insecure. I feel like I'm not entirely sure of what I'm doing. I can't even really tell if I'm happy, or just pleased – temporarily at ease.

“You're so cute,” Gerard blurts out, and it actually makes me relax a little when I see him blush. My smile naturally turns more genuine.

“You too,” I try sounding confident as I say it, but my voice is whiny and rough, so I just wind up sounding lame and uncertain. But still, it doesn't make me smile any less, and it only seems to make Gerard blush and smile more.

Slowly, I reach over and take a hold of his hand. His feels kinda clammy, but I grab it tightly anyways and squeeze it gently. He squeezes back.

If it weren't for the time and place, I would lean over and kiss him. I honestly feel secure enough around him to do so – at any other time than this. Gerard glances out the window, then back into my eyes.

“We're keeping it a secret, right? For now?” he adds the last bit quickly, as if to tell me that he does want to me with me. And I like the sound of that: at some point, we could go public. The promise of “some point” implied in the “for now” tells me that we'll be together for a while.

“Yeah,” I say, slightly dreamy at the thought of being with Gerard for more than just a day; for more than just a kiss and a hand-holding.

“Right,” he says and nods, still smiling and still holding my hand. This is actually quite cheesy, and if someone is watching us right now, they'd probably be able to guess that something more than friendship is going on between us.

I look out the windshield and spot a student walk by, glancing our way. He doesn't seem fazed by what he sees, but it still makes me uneasy.

I squeeze Gerard's hand once and then carefully pull away. I give him a smile to assure him that it isn't because of him, then glance out the window quickly to silently tell him the real reason. He seems to get it.

“We could tell Mikey?” I ask. He's probably already told Mikey about his sexuality and about liking me, and maybe Mikey has even figured this whole thing out himself, but actually telling him wouldn't hurt. And then he'd also be in on keeping it on the low-down for now.

“Yeah. Definitely.” He sounds excited by that; like he can't wait.
“And maybe Ray and Bob too? If it's okay?”

“Oh, yeah,” I say quickly. I would be okay with telling them. I don't know them as well as I know Mikey, but I know that Mikey wouldn't tell and would probably be fine with it all, and I don't think the brothers would hang out with narrow-minded people as often as they hang out with Ray and Bob, so yeah. Yeah.

We sit there and smile at each other for a little while longer, not saying a thing. It really is awkward. There's this lump in my gut that won't loosen up, even though I actually feel pretty comfortable around Gerard. Especially now that I know he doesn't hate me – or pity me. At least I don't think he does. I hope he doesn't.

He takes a deep breath before he reaches into the backseat and pulls his bag into his lap. He looks at me expectantly, and I nod briefly, pick up my own bag from between my legs and open the car door.

I hate that things are awkward, but I'll stay hopeful. Not everyone are out to get me. Gerard wouldn't hurt me.