Troubles

What did I do? What! I believed him, I really did! He had no right to just push me away, just because I had no fucking idea what to say!

I clench my teeth and bite back the doleful anger as I stare out the window of the car. Brian is smiling like a goof next to me, and I don't wanna ruin his perfectly good evening by taking all my fury out on him. Because I can't help but to be furious. Gerard threw me out! He completely rejected me! How am I supposed to be okay and happy about anything, when the first person I ever truly trusted threw me away like an old, used toy?! Like the kind of toy you would find in a dumpster – I would know!

“Are you okay?” Brian asks with only a slight bit of worry in his tone of voice. I don't blame him. I wouldn't wanna worry about anything if I were through-the-roof happy.

“Yeah,” I answer without much feeling and just keep looking out at the buildings we pass by and the cars Brian overtake.

I just need to stop feeling sorry for myself and stop feeling like the world and everyone in it owes me something. I need to stop feeling as if Gerard is the only one who's wrong. I need to just stop feeling anything at all.

-----

I'm trying desperately to fall asleep, but Gerard's arms and face keep flashing through my mind. I can't escape the sight of the scars and the tearing feeling I got in my gut when I saw his numb face. He was so drained from emotion at that moment when he said he couldn't be with me. I almost felt like I escaped my own body at that moment, because I couldn't fee it at all. I felt dead – like my body didn't even exist.

I just wanna sleep and forget about everything that's happened today, but my mind won't stop. I know I just have to stop thinking, but it seems impossible right now.

“Frank?” Brian asks from the other side of my door, before he knocks and slowly opens it. I turn myself around, away from my previous position of staring at the wall, and look up at his dark face. He's nothing but a silhouette because of the bright lights from the hallway flooding into my room.
“Mikey's on the phone for you.”

I didn't even hear the phone ring. Usually when the phone rings, I can hear it even if I'm in the shower because of the shrill tone, but I haven't heard a thing.

And I really don't wanna hear anything Mikey has to say either. He's probably heard the whole story from Gerard already and is just calling to yell at me and tell me to stay away from them or to apologize or something else like that. But I'm not gonna listen to him; I'm not gonna take in any of his words or do any of the things he doubtlessly wants me to do. I just wanna control my own life for once, and not let society or school or anyone else run it, just because they can.

And so what if Mikey gets pissed? He can throw a fucking tantrum, for all I care. I don't wanna be pushed around anymore – or hide, or lie, or pretend. I'm ready to do things for me, and me only, and if that means losing the only friends I've ever had, then let it be. I don't control them, and they can't control me.

“Frank?”

“Could you tell him I'm too tired?” I quickly ask – so quickly that I can't decipher whether I interrupted Brian or not.
“Please?” I add in an attempt to smooth him over, and at the same time be polite: after all, I'm asking him to hang up on someone on my behalf.

“Okay,” he says wondering, but doesn't ask any more questions and just closes the door. The darkness suddenly seems intimidating; like a pressure on my chest. I feel alone and vulnerable – like something in the near future is gonna hurt me. I can't explain the feeling. I just can't escape the sudden fear that's practically drowning me. My breathing gets a bit labored and the sudden stress makes my head swim with a thousand more thoughts than before. Random images flashes before my eyes and are replaced by others before I can even make sense of them.

And I think it helps me. Because the rushing thoughts wears me out.