Troubles

People are already traveling somewhere for Christmas. I keep seeing people with bulging bags getting on each and every bus around me that all go in each their direction. Some people even carry a linen sack on their backs with the presents in them almost tearing holes in the fabric.

It reminds me that I should buy Brian a Christmas present, though I already know I won't be able to find anything that can tell him how grateful I am. My behavior these last few days just proves how hard it's gonna be for me: I've been acting like a spoiled brat by spending too much time in my room and not answering his questions. I just don't want him to worry about me.

I can't even think of anything good to give Brian. A tie is too generic, and he might think I'd be mocking him because of his “clothing crisis” when Kari was coming over. I don't know his size, so I can't buy a shirt; not that I could afford it. I've put aside half of the money he's given me every day for the past 3 weeks, and it's not much.

I should also get Gerard something, if not as a boyfriend kinda gift, then at least as an apology. And Mikey should get one too. And maybe I can find something small and cheap to give Bob and Ray – maybe some band stickers.

I could buy a comic for Mikey – something I know he doesn't have. It's a hard task, but I might be able to find something.

I'm trying not to get too stressed about it: I've got 4 weeks to buy it all. I just hope I'll have enough money for it all.

I found a 5 dollar bill when I emptied my locker. I figured I might as well, since I now have somewhere to put all of my things. I even threw out the old food I had lying there, along with the torn gloves I used last winter. I actually expected to feel some kind of relief, but it didn't feel as freeing as I thought it would: it was like they suddenly meant something to me, despite the fact that I'd do anything for a new pair a year ago.

It's as if it's suddenly hard for me to let go of who I used to be – who I used to hate. I hated being homeless, and now that I have a home, I'm afraid of not being homeless.

I guess I'm scared of what's going to happen. What if I wind up regretting moving in with Brian. What if he regrets it? What if I'm a burden? I was one to my mom.

I need to stop this. I need to stop thinking like this. I keep blaming myself, even though people keep proving to me that there's nothing wrong with me. I keep pitying myself. That's perhaps the worst part: my wallowing in my own pain and regret. I never told people that I was homeless, because I didn't want them to pity me, and yet, here I am; pitying myself; wallowing – and forgetting everyone else.

I just feel stuck in a circle of beatings and lies and hate. People still hate me. Bob and Ray talk to me regularly, but not like they did before. Mikey talks to me, but he always seems reluctant about it, and I think it's what Bob and Ray are picking up on and feeling awkward about. Gerard is either absent or silent at lunch. I barely see him anymore.

I don't know what I'm waiting for or what I expect is gonna happen. I just feel like the holidays are gonna fix everything. I know it's unlikely, and I know I should do something to fix the whole situation myself, but I just don't have the energy. I'm so tired lately. I sleep a lot more. My mind sometimes seem to be sleeping, even though I'm awake. I'm always tired.

And besides, how could I fix it? And how would Christmas be able to fix anything? Christmas is for families, and I don't even have one.

Now I'm wallowing again. It's become a habit of mine: one that I'm just too tired to break.
I get up from the bench at the station and begin to slowly walk home. That word, home, still makes me smile, just not visibly.