Troubles

I lean over the sink to get closer to the mirror and wipe off the blood from my temple. Out of pure reaction, I sniff, immediately wishing I hadn't when I sniff in blood and feel my right nostril burn so much that my entire brain seems to combust.

“Are you okay?” Ray asks worried. He's standing behind me, in the middle of the bathroom, just staring at me. He seems so composed and in control with his arms crossed and his weight evenly balanced, and in a way, it scares me. He's in control – just like those guys are in control. And I'm not.

“Yeah,” I whisper unintentionally. I stare at myself in the mirror for a second and realize that despite what I feel, I'm not visibly shaking.

I catch a glance at Ray in the mirror and spot an obvious confusion on his face by the way his eyebrows are lightly furrowed and his eyes are darting around the room.

I can feel my insides shake a little more. I wonder what he's thinking. I don't know if he knows about me, my current situation and the fact that I might have something going on with Gerard. I don't even know half of those things.

“Why didn't you fight back?”

I quickly look down into the sink. I look at the blood stains on the white porcelain as I feel Ray's – suddenly fixed – eyes bore into the back of my head. I can actually feel his disappointment digging into my skull, mixing itself with the headache that's already brewing back there.

I turn on the faucet to wash away the water as well as to shut out Ray – using the noise of the running water to avoid answering him. If I know Ray, and I think I do, he's not gonna just leave it at that. He's gonna ask me again – if not now, then soon.

“You didn't even defend yourself. You didn't try to avoid or block their punches.”

I knew it.

And I know. But there's a reason for everything, and the reason for this is something that I can't tell you, Ray. He obviously doesn't know about me being homeless, so how would he know about Gerard's feelings for me and my reasons for letting myself be beat up or my feelings-

Wait, I'm not homeless. I have a home. Why did I suddenly block that out?

“You need to fight back. They're not gonna leave you alone if you do, but at least you won't get as busted up when they do get you.”

“I have my reasons,” I finally fire back, wishing he would just quit asking.

“Such as?” he presses, taking a step closer to me, as if to intimidate me into telling him. And it works – partially.

“I'm not doing this for me,” I say loudly, looking up into the mirror suddenly and seeing Ray's light frown again. I stare right into his confused and disbelieving eyes.
“What? You're not letting yourself get beaten up because of you?”

“What?”

“I have no idea what you're saying.”
Fuck, just understand me!

“I'm not letting them beat me because I can't fight back. I-”

“So you can defend yourself?”
Shut up and listen!

“Yes! But I can't!”

“You just said you could.”

“But I can't!”
I can feel my insides shaking more than before, perhaps from anger, perhaps from fear. He just won't listen!

“I understand shit of what you're saying!” Ray yells, waving a hand around while the other is in his hair.
I sigh heavily. How the fuck do I explain this to him without outing his best friend or making it sound like he can't take care of himself.
“Why don't you fight back?”

“Because I can't!” I almost scream. I'm fed up with his inquisition. Why can't he just understand that I can't answer him?

“You're being pathetic.”
I turn around. I stare into his eyes. I can't believe he just said that. He looks angry, but I'm pissed.

“You-”
Asshole.

“Even Gerard can fend for himself.”
I frown deeply.

He what?

Ray just keeps staring at me angrily, but whatever anger I had a second ago is completely drained from me. I can't even think straight. I know I should be thinking about Gerard, but, I can't.

I'm still bleeding from my cheek. I can feel a drop of blood trail down it and slip into corner of my mouth.

An ear ring. That would be a good present for Brian. One for his stretched ear. I hope they're not too expensive. The ones he wears looks like plastic.

Gerard. Why do you fight back? Why does he even have to? Why haven't they left him alone?
They said they would.

All anger is suddenly back and I don't think of much except the fact that Ray is just standing there as I exit the bathroom and head back to the front of the school.