Breathe It All In

Having my own flesh and blood tell you to get out and basically never come back wasn't something I expected from my father. He was the man who spoiled me as a child. Every Thursday for the first ten years of my life was park day, where he'd bring me to the park where my art space was. We'd play together and he'd laugh and play tag with me. When I was eleven, we started having board game night every Thursday instead. We'd sip hot chocolate and play a game. No matter how many exams I had the next day, I always spent at least a half hour playing a game with my daddy.

Having this same man tell me to pack my things and leave made me question if he ever really loved me. Who throws a loved one out of the house for this?

Where would I go?

I was in a blurry daze. I felt my heartbeat in my throat, and I could barely breathe. Somehow I had managed to pack my things and get out to my car, but I couldn't remember how I did it. As soon as the trunk locked in place, I fell over onto the car.

I couldn't breathe.

My shoulders were heaving up and down, my chest feeling like it was going to explode. I couldn't think. I tried to calm down. I tried to breathe. I didn't want to lose this baby because of my parents and their decision. It took me a few minutes to collect myself, but I did manage to do so. I lifted my body from my car and stood up. I wiped the tears from my face and took a deep breath. I looked over at my house, the front yard where I used to play as a kid, the big window I always ran to so I could see the lightning whenever it was storming out. I turned away from the house, and got into my car. I figure the first step was to get out of here so I could figure out where to go.

I started my car just as the clouds started turning gray. My mind began racing as I drove off. I was planning on heading over to the art space to sit and make some phone calls, but now that is was about to rain I'd have to rethink that. I tried to figure out just who I could stay with until I could find an apartment. Jackie had gone back to school, and I didn't want to burden her parents. Most of my friends were off at college or graduate school in other states. Others had just plain gotten out of this town and are in Los Angeles or New York. My friends from school all lived in other states as well. I didn't want to put my burdens onto them. Then, I started thinking about family members. My aunts and uncles were devout Christians who were very close with my parents. I didn't think they would take me in. My cousin lived in a one room apartment on the other side of town, but he was a pot smoker who partied a lot. I couldn't endanger the baby's health by staying there.

Then, I thought of my grandmother. Grandma Willow. I was taught to call her that by my parents because of the willow tree in Grandma’s front yard. They were trying to get her to move into a retirement home, and for some reason they thought by teaching me to call her Grandma Willow that it would break her and make her leave. Grandma loved that I called her that, and she won’t let me call her anything else.

Grandma came to all my piano recitals and art shows growing up. She listened to me when I called her crying about my first crush Johnny embarrassing me in front of my whole fourth grade class. She came with me to pick out my prom dresses both years. I loved her...but I didn’t want to disappoint her by saying I got pregnant.

I decided that I could at least stay there for the night, if not longer. She lived on the outskirts of town on a lot of land, so I think there should be enough room for me to stay for a little bit. As I started driving towards her house, a sinking feeling hit my stomach. What if she doesn’t want me either? Having Grandma feel ashamed of me might be worse than having my parents hate me. I contemplated just not going to her house and going to a shelter or paying for a hotel...but something inside of me kept me driving towards Grandma Willow.

It took about twenty minutes, but I was on Grandma Willow’s doorstep. I rang the doorbell, and I heard her dog Sneak barking. The door opened, and there she was. I smiled, relieved that she was home at least.

“My Gia! Come in!” She exclaimed, opening the screen door for me.

“Hi Grandma Willow! I missed you!” I said giving her a giant hug. Sneak was barking at me and trying to jump up onto me. Grandma nudged the dog away before walking me inside. I sat on the couch as she walked into the kitchen.

“This is such a nice surprise. Would you like anything? Tea? Hot Chocolate? Milk? Candy? Money?” She said, and when she mentioned money I laughed.

“No, I’m all set. I came here for other reasons than to mooch off you,” I joked. I heard her laughing as cups began clanking. I wrung my hands together, not knowing what to say next. Grandma came back in with two cups of tea and placed them on the table.

“Now tell me. How is everything?” Something about the way she asked it made me break down in tears. Grandma sat next to me and let me cry onto her shoulder. It took me a few minutes, but I eventually calmed down.

“I don’t want you to hate me,” I said, my voice cracking. She held my hands.

“I will never hate you. You are my favorite person.” She said, her wrinkled face looking at me with love.

“I’m pregnant. And homeless.” I said, looking away from grandma. She didn’t even freeze for a moment. She got up off the couch and headed into the other room. I began to cry again, but then I saw her come back into the room with a book. She sat down next to me, and she wiped away my tears.

“I want you to look at this.” She said handing me the book. I opened up the book to see a black and white photo of a young woman smiling at the camera from a front porch.

“Is this you?” I asked her. She nodded before turning the page for me. I looked at photos of grandma in her teenage years. Grandma looked about fifteen or sixteen here. She was dancing in one, while in the other she was trying to straighten a friend’s hair with an iron. Then, there was a man with her. They were dancing together. Then, as I turned the page, there were two pages left blank. I turned the page again to see a picture of grandma pregnant. But she only looked sixteen or seventeen. On the next page, there were photos of a baby. Grandma and her baby girl. Then, another man was in a picture. The final page was of grandma pregnant again, and then the final picture was of her and her two young girls. My mom and my aunt. As I shut the book, grandma cleared her throat.

“I got pregnant at sixteen by Jimmy Johnson, the boy next door. He was twenty and about to go into the army. He got me spooked that I never would see him again, and that’s when he convinced me to get intimate with him. Jimmy never came home to me. I don’t even know what happened to him. I heard he found a girl near where his boot camp training was. I left two pages blank because for a while, I was in a dark period. Him leaving me and making me be pregnant and alone made me feel so lost and alone. My parents kicked me out. I lived with a friend while working double shifts at a diner to save enough money to get an apartment. I had your aunt, and then right after I lost the weight I met Tom...your grandpa. He was nice to me, plus he could support the baby and me. I didn’t love him though. Even though we were in a real house and had enough money to even go out and have fancy dinners every once in a while, I didn’t love him. Then, I got pregnant again with your mom. I stayed with him until the day he died. I showed you this because even though everything worked out for me, I don’t want you to have to go through all this. You’re a strong woman, and I know you can take care of your child. I don’t want you marrying the father or running to another man just because you feel like you have to in order to survive. I don’t want you to lose yourself. Never lose yourself. And never lose hope.” She said to me, before we hugged. It was a lot to take in, because I never knew that my grandpa wasn’t my aunt’s dad. But I didn’t feel as alone, because grandma had done it and had kept an amazing family together and united through the years. If she could do it, maybe I could too?

“Thank you for showing me. Can I stay here for a little bit until I can get an apartment?” I asked Grandma. She smiled at me.

“I wouldn’t want you to stay anyplace else. Let me go get some towels for the guest room,” She said getting up and scurrying away into the other room.

I leaned back into the couch and sighed a breath of relief.

Maybe I could do this after all.