Stuck

Today was the day of my fathers funeral he had died of cancer at only twenty-seven years old I begged him when I was little girl to stop smoking; he and mom had me when they were just teens themselves I could only hope that his smoking and stress had nothing to do with starting his father life and losing his child hood from having me. My mother told me it had nothing to do with me, but somehow I felt it did have everything to do with me, but I blamed everything on myself like most kids didn’t.

“Katy!” I jumped I had been staring off into my bedroom mirror in front of my face for the last twenty-minutes crying and staring at my green eyes my long wavy brown hair pulled back by a hair bow so my hair was out of my face, but was still down.

“Coming mother!” My hands were shaking and I was still crying as I held the box of tissues to my chest I could feel all the pain of loss still from losing him it hurt and I knew this wasn’t physical pain it was emotional I couldn’t just rip a bandage off and say hey now I feel better this was a pain I knew would follow me through life. I stood up and let my dress fall down cause I had rolled it up to sit and stare at myself oh great it has some wrinkles in it oh well who cares when you lose your father looks don’t feel to really matter.

I slowly walked to my door gracefully and quietly as slow as I could only imagine I really didn’t want to do this, I didn’t want to know my father was gone, I didn’t want to face the truth, I wanted to stay home live in denial and forget how to feel so I wouldn’t feel this way anymore, but in life we don’t always get what we want or what we wish for just like I still wished I had my father with me.

Mother was waiting for me in the car as I walked out the front door the fall leaves on the ground the clouds gloomy looked like rain all though I knew it wasn’t, “Well dad you chose a perfect time of year to die.” I mumbled walking toward the car where my mother awaited for me; I felt a rush of the cold air blow at me and I got goose bumps as soon as the air had touched me it sent chills through my body. Slowly I opened the car door and pulled my dress up off the ground and from under me so I could slide into the front seat beside my mother I turned and grabbed the car doors handle and shut the door hard, but easily.

“Well there you are. You know were probably going to be late now?” My mother’s voice cracked, “Katy before we go to your father’s funeral there’s something I want you to know he loved you with all of his heart he really did and this is none of your fault in time we all have to pass and die it’s apart of life I just want you to know that even though he’s no longer here with us he’s still up there watching over us. Ok?” I nodded I knew it took a lot for her to muster up the courage to say this to my face she probably rehearsed it all morning to how to say it to me as many times her voice lost its tone and cracked up some.

It only took us an hour and a half to reach my fathers funeral ground where they were going to burry him there were a lot of family members getting out of cars and everyone dressed in black tuxes or gowns dressed little kids with black hats and black flowers on them reminded me of a horror movie. After mom parked and got out I decided to say well here goes nothing and get out myself and soon as my heels touched the ground the air hit me again sending more chills through my body today was defiantly cold and felt it was getting colder the air kept blowing up my dress.

“Are you coming Katy?” Mother asked stopping and turning around to see me I hadn’t noticed, but I’d frozen in place holding the car door open and looking at the casket in a distance to where we were suppose to be walking too.

“Um-yeah my bad I’m sorry I was thinking.”

My mothers faced turned instantly to worry she rushed back over to me as I shut my car door and grabbed both my shoulder so we were looking eye to eye, “What were you thinking about honey? Are you going to be ok? You can stay in the car you know?

“Mother its ok I’m fine really.” I grabbed both her hands off my shoulder and into my hands tightening my grip for re-assurance, “And I was just thinking how pretty everything is for daddy’s funeral.” Another lie; I knew I wasn’t going to be ok in the long run I might go mental and I thought his funeral looked like a horror movie, but what ever it took to make her smile and make her feel just the bit least of happiness made me have just a quarter bit of happiness.

She smiled and turned to walk after I let her hands go and slide away from mine; I followed from behind her it only took us five minutes to walk to his casket as we came up too it he was under the oak trees and pines daddy had always loved the outdoors his casket was black and silky looking with all kinds of flowers on top like white, pink, purple, red, blue. It all made it look like a rainbow on the top of his casket it was all so pretty, but this was about the only thing that was pretty about his funeral and I was glad he had something that was happy looking. As I got closer to his casket I placed a picture of me and him on top of it from when we went on our first walk in the woods together I was sitting on his shoulder looking down on him and he was looking up at me our eyes had meet that day and we shared a bond like no other.