Have You Ever Known

Charlotte sat on the steps of the front porch at her mother’s house, Bobbie sprawled out on the top by the welcome mat.

“Why can’t we sit inside?” Bobbie groaned. “It’s so hot out here.”

“Mom won’t let us inside, remember?” Charlotte said dully. “She barely let us inside so we could get the rest of the things out of your closet.”

Bobbie sighed dramatically as she sat up and stared at her sister. “Right. How was your night with Garrett? I noticed Jared dropped you off.”

Charlotte bit her lip.

Charlotte’s eyes slowly peeled open. Garrett was sound asleep in front of her, his arms wrapped tightly around her waist. Her bangs were stuck to her forehead and the rest of her hair was a tangled mess. Her skin was still sticky with the remains of sweat.

She tucked her arm underneath her head and watched Garrett sleep. She would be leaving in a few hours and she wouldn’t be able to lay beside him again for a while. She smiled, though, at the thought of how far they had come since Freshman year. They started out by hanging out on weekends during the school year and moved up to spending all day, every day together during the summer. They scheduled their classes together so they’d always be together. Rachael came along and although Garrett still spent time with Charlotte, Rachael took over. Junior year was a void and that’s when Charlotte became close with Jared, confiding in him now instead of Garrett.

Senior year was a blur. Charlotte had picked up an internship at a magazine and Garrett was still infatuated with Rachael. Now, however, Rachael had competition: Garrett’s band. Things had picked up for them and he began practicing more and more, playing shows and traveling around the tri-state area. Graduation came around and everything changed.

Graduation gowns were abandoned in cars once the ceremony had ended and the graduated class spread through the town in search of parties. Charlotte wasn’t a normal party-goer but she figured grad night was different; it was the night where everyone grew up, forgot the dramas cooked up during school hours to pass the time. There were no more enemies.

She walked into someone’s house – she wasn’t exactly sure whose it was – and instantly spotted him. Garrett stood alone in the living room, talking to someone he obviously didn’t remember ever meeting. Charlotte decided to save him from his misery and headed toward him. He smiled as she approached, excusing himself from the conversation.

“Hey Char, congrats, huh?” he laughed and engulfed her in a hug.

“Same to you, buddy,” she laughed. “Now you can go off on your big tours and become a somebody like you’ve always wanted.”

“Yeah,” he said and his voice dropped.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, grabbed his hand and dragged him across the house to the kitchen. It was reasonably quieter in there.

“Rachael is a bit apprehensive,” Garrett sighed. “She thinks I should go to ASU with her for the first year, just to make sure this band is really what I want to do.”

“What?” Charlotte asked incredulously. “That’s insane, Gary. You need to do what you want to do, not what she wants you to do. I know I haven’t really been around much, but I know how much you love this band. I don’t want you to have some girl step in the way of your dreams.”

“Some girl?” he asked and a flash of anger lit up his eyes. “She’s not just some girl, Char, okay? I love her.”

“Yeah, but does she love you, Garrett? Because if she really loved you, she wouldn’t be trying to stop you from going on tour.”

Charlotte shook her head, rolling her eyes at him and maneuvering her way around him to return to the party. Garrett’s hand wrapped around her wrist and he tugged her back into the kitchen. He pressed his lips against hers, pushing her against the counter.

“Garrett,” she snapped, shoving him away from her. “Stop. You’re being a child. Think about how she’s treating you and deal with it. But don’t do it like this.”

Garrett’s face flushed as Charlotte left the kitchen. Charlotte pushed through the crowd of people and made her way outside to her car. She sat there for a moment, her breathing erratic and her heart pounding out of her chest. She heard a door slam and looked out her windshield. Garrett stepped outside, his hands tangled in his hair. She almost got out of her car to go talk to him, calmly this time, but she couldn’t. Instead, she started her car and drove home.

Garrett left for tour a couple days after that. Rachael was left behind and word had gotten to Charlotte that they were ‘on a break.’ She didn’t want to get her hopes up so she requested more hours at work and told her parents to shut off her phone for the summer. She had to rid herself of Garrett, or at least the feelings she harbored for him. He came home weeks later, restarted his relationship with Rachael, and finally showed up at Charlotte’s door.

Charlotte was startled from her reminiscing when Garrett stirred beside her. “Good morning,” he yawned, smiled, and kissed her cheek. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired,” she replied. “And sweaty.”

Garrett laughed and kissed her. “You can use my shower, I’ll use Trey’s.”

“I’m gonna call the boys, too. I want to see them before I leave,” she said, tugging the sheet around her body. She wrapped it snuggly around her and carefully got out of bed. She knew Garrett was watching her as she shuffled into his bathroom and she couldn’t help but smile.

After they showered and dressed, Charlotte called the boys to invite them over for breakfast. She and Garrett made pancakes, waffles, and Charlotte insisted on cutting up fresh fruit. Slowly the boys arrived, one by one walking into Garrett’s house without knocking first. The six of them sat around Garrett’s kitchen, laughing and eating, exchanging stories of their high school and early band days.

“I should go,” Charlotte said around 10. Bobbie had texted her a few times, asking where she was and if she was ready to go yet.

“Aw, Char,” the boys chorused. She noticed Garrett kept his mouth shut, having one of the most disappointed looks on his face that she had ever seen.

“I have to. Bobbie’s ready to go, I have to go pick her up,” Charlotte said sadly. “I love you all.”

“I’ll drive you,” Jared said, his voice breaking through the whining.

“It’s, like, a 5 minute walk,” Charlotte protested. “It’s fine.”

Jared just eyed her, giving her this older brother-figure look that said she was not walking home. “It’ll give Gary a few minutes to clean up,” Jared said as he walked toward her. “And us a chance to talk.”

Charlotte bit her lower lip, knowing she was about to be lectured on the ride. She hugged everyone goodbye, pausing in front of Garrett. He smiled, a mix of force and sadness. “Don’t worry, he’s just going to make sure you don’t plan on finding another guy while you’re away,” he said reassuringly. “I’ll clean up here and be over to your house before you know it, ok?”

Charlotte nodded, her arms wrapping lightly around his waist, her head resting against his chest. “I love you,” she whispered low enough so no one else could hear her. Garrett kissed the top of her head.

“Come on, Char,” Jared said, jingling his keys.

She detached herself from Garrett and followed Jared and the others out the front door. Cars backed out of the driveway in an organized chaos. Jared was the last one out and he seemed to be doing 20 under the speed limit just to prolong the drive.

“Listen, Char, I’m not going to sit here and tell you wrong from right,” Jared started. Charlotte swallowed hard. “I know he loves you. He loves you a lot, and it’s been obvious to all of us since you two graduated. Something changed him then, and we all have a feeling it was you. So promise me you’ll be good to him, alright? I know you’re hurting about leaving, but what you’re feeling, he’s feeling too.”

“I don’t have it in me to hurt him,” Charlotte whispered, looking out the window. They were two houses from hers. “It’s impossible for me to even think of hurting him.”

Jared pulled into her driveway, parking behind her car. He turned to look at her. “I know, Char. I’m just.. I’m just looking out for you, and for him.”

Charlotte nodded, unbuckled her seatbelt and leaned over to hug him. “Thank you.”

Jared nodded when she sat back in her seat. “I’m going to miss you, little sis.”

“Earth to Charlotte,” Bobbie said, annoyed at how long she had been lost in thought.

“What?” she asked, shaking her head slightly.

“How was your night?” Bobbie repeated.

“Um, good,” Charlotte stammered. “We, uh. Well…”

Bobbie smirked. “How was it?”

“Bobbie,” Charlotte shrieked. “Shut up. I’m not saying anything.”

“Well, where the fuck is he?” Bobbie demanded, getting to her feet. She squinted as she shielded her eyes against the sun and peered down the street. “He’s coming to say goodbye, right?”

“Yeah, he should be here soon,” Charlotte mumbled, closing her eyes.

Bobbie sat next to her on the steps, leaning her arms back against the top step. If Garrett didn’t show up, Bobbie was going to walk to his house and punch him. There was no way she’d let him get away with having sex with her sister and then not show up to say goodbye.

“Here comes your knight in shining yellow,” Bobbie announced, seeing Garrett’s yellow car turn the corner onto their street.

Charlotte opened her eyes as he parked at the end of the drive. He slowly got out of the car and stood there, a slight frown tugging his lips downward. Charlotte stood immediately and practically ran down the sidewalk and jumped into his arms.

“I love you,” he said in her ear. “I’m sorry it took me a while. I was burning you a CD but the first one didn’t work so I had to do it again.”

Charlotte held him tightly, afraid that when she let go it would be time to leave. “Who’s on it?” she asked, her voice muffled.

“Um,” he laughed still holding her up. “The first song is by a band I found when we were in Florida. It reminds me of us. Then it’s mostly Ryan Adams and songs that sound like Ryan Adams. Austin is on there, too.”

“I don’t want to leave,” Charlotte confessed and her feet touched the ground. “I want to stay here with you.”

Garrett sighed and cupped her face. “I know, we’ve discussed this though, Char. I want you to stay with me forever but you have to go. Maybe for a year, maybe until Bobbie graduates, who knows.”

Garrett handed her the CD before she could continue the subject. “Listen to it on the drive to California. Listen to it when you miss me.”

Charlotte looked down at the CD. He had scribbled “Have You Ever Known” on it. He had tucked a little piece of paper in there with a tracklisting, too.

“I will,” she promised. She hugged him again and stood on her toes to kiss him. “Thank you.”

He smiled and kissed her again. “I love you, Char.”

Bobbie slowly walked down the sidewalk, her hands shoved in the pockets of her shorts. “I hate to break this up but Mom has been glaring at me out the window for a while now. We should probably get going.”

Charlotte bit her lip so hard she thought she drew blood. “Right. Um. You can go put this in the CD player and start the car. You can drive to the gas station so we can fill up the tank and get some junk food for the ride.”

Bobbie gladly took the CD and the set of keys from Charlotte and skipped over to the car. Charlotte turned back to Garrett. She kissed him one last time.

“I love you, too, Gar,” she mumbled under her breath, her lips against his as she spoke. “I’ll call you when we get there so you know we made it safely.”

He nodded and stepped back toward his car. Charlotte swallowed the lump in her throat. This was so much more difficult than saying goodbye for a summer trip or a few months while he went on tour. She was moving far away, permanently.

Garrett gave a small wave as Charlotte ducked into the passenger seat of her car. She returned the wave with a forced smile, the tears burning her eyes as Bobbie put the car in reverse. Ryan Adams was already playing, and she decided then that she would wait to listen to track one until she was alone. She twisted in her seat as Bobbie drove down the street so she could see Garrett get into his car.

The drive was long and boring. They had tried to play road games but always lost interest a few minutes into them. They stopped a few times to refill the gas tank and restock on junk food and energy drinks. When the CD reached number 10, Charlotte held her hand by the skip button, ready to skip over track one once the CD repeated itself.

“Jesus, Char, you’re driving me crazy,” Bobbie groaned, slapping her hand away from the stereo as the CD repeated. They were finally on the outskirts of LA and they had heard the CD at least 30 times. “Let it fucking play for once. It’s a good song.”

Charlotte’s grip on the steering wheel tightened and she thanked God they were stuck in LA traffic. What she heard was a soothing voice, quietly singing over a guitar. The drums kicked it and she held her breath.

Have you ever known
what it’s like to be nervous, alone?
What it’s like when the time slips
right out your hands?
too late, now it’s time to go

And you wish
you wish for a moment like this.
Where the time would stand still,
you kiss her with all that you have
just to let her know

Cause sometimes it’s hard to swallow
but it’s the way that I feel
Can make red lights a-go
And there’s nothing to stop me now

Maybe I’ll scream out loud
I’m fighting my way to the top
So that you just maybe
Might hear me now
I take a deep breath
let it out

Have you ever known
That I’m right there behind you
And so unbelievably taken by all that
you are
everything that I’ll never know

And sometimes it’s hard to swallow
but if you’d give me the chance
I’ll never let go
cause there’s nothing to stop me now

Maybe I’ll scream out loud
I’m fighting my way to the top
So that you just maybe
Might hear me now
I take a deep breath
let it out

As I scream at the top of my lungs
make a scene just to catch your attention
and all in between
beauty and ones that we lost in the meaning

Maybe I’ll scream out loud
I’m fighting my way to the top
Maybe I’ll scream out loud
I’m fighting my way to the top
So that you just maybe
Might hear me now
I take a deep breath
let it out

By the time the song ended, Charlotte had pulled off on the exit to their new house and they were quickly approaching. The girls spotted their Dad waiting outside for them, a smile on his face as he waved. Charlotte parked by the curb and Bobbie jumped out, rushing over to their Dad. She stayed in the car and skipped back to the song to listen to it over again. She closed her eyes and pictured Garrett beside her, holding her hand and telling her it was okay, she could do this.

The song ended again and she slowly opened her eyes, a stray tear falling down her cheek. Bobbie was standing next to their Dad, his arm resting over her shoulders as they waited for Charlotte. She faked a smile for them and turned the car off, pulled the keys and stepped out.

“Welcome home, Char,” he said warmly.

“I’m gonna go for a run, okay?” she said weakly, her eyes glued to the backyard of the house. She still couldn’t believe she lived right on the beach.

He nodded, “I’ll have dinner ready by the time you get back. We’ll get the things out of your car then, too.”

“Take your time, Char,” Bobbie said softly. “Call Garrett, okay?”

Charlotte handed her keys to Bobbie and made her way around the house. The waves were lapping against the shore in a therapeutic manner, the birds flying above called out in song. She closed her eyes, inhaled deeply, and started down the length of the beach. She ran until her sides ached and her lungs literally felt like they were going to explode. She slowed to a walk, eventually taking a seat on a piece of driftwood to call Garrett.

“Hey, you made it ok?” Garrett asked happily when he answered. She could hear the boys in the background.

“I love the CD,” she said. “The first song.. I love it.”

“I knew you would,” Garrett said, and a door closed. “I’m at John’s, sorry. It’s kinda noisy inside so I had to step outside.”

“Oh. Do you want to go back inside? It’s fine if you-”

“I want to talk to you,” he interrupted her. “Tell me about your drive.”

Charlotte sighed in relief. She really wouldn’t have been fine if he had wanted to go back inside. She pushed herself up from the ground and started walking back to the house as she explained how the drive went. Garrett told her about how the boys had essentially kidnapped him from his room after she had left town and he had been at John’s ever since.

Charlotte sat outside her house and squished her toes in the sand, a comfortable silence falling between them. The sun was starting to glow orange as it lowered toward the horizon line.

“I miss you,” she whispered.

“I miss you, too,” he replied softly, and she could hear the smile in his voice. “But I’m really glad to hear your voice.”

“Yeah,” she agreed with a smile. “I’m glad I get to hear your voice, too.”

And maybe, just maybe, it wouldn’t be as bad as she thought.