Sometimes We Takes Chances, Sometimes We Take Pills

I’m sort of surprised Mikey let me leave him so quickly. I guess he’s sort of naïve. I almost feel guilty for lying to him, almost. I walked into my hallway, and I could already hear Hemmingway running towards me. “Hey Hemm, you miss me?” I reached down and scratched him behind the ears. I feel guilty again. Maybe I’ll leave Hemmingway with Mikey, he and piglet could become friends. My house is still clean from the few days ago that I cleaned it. I couldn’t let people find my house dirty after my attempt at Angels and Kings, if I had succeeded, people would have been looking in my house for clues and I couldn’t have it looking like a disaster. Though I have to write a new note, I should probably thank Mikey in it, and mention him getting Hemm.

Now it’s just time to choose a method. Pills are definitely out, no one should find me, but if they do, I don’t want to ever vomit again. I don’t own a gun. I don’t have any rope, and nowhere to hang from. Though even if I did, I still don’t think I’d want to hang myself. I have a fear of heights and hanging up somewhere seems scary. Slit wrists will have to do.

I go to my closet looking for my favourite hoodie and jeans. I want to go out in style. Once dressed, I head to my bathroom. The blood will be easier to clean away for whoever has to deal with my mess. I sigh and lower myself into the tub and try to find a comfortable position. After a minute, I find one. I pull up my sleeves and slowly drag the blade across my wrist. A line of blood immediately appears. The cut isn’t deep enough, so I pull the blade along the red line again. Now blood is steadily escaping from my arm, red rivers flowing down my arm and onto my legs. Now my jeans are stained. I think that laceration is deep enough, so I move onto my other arm. It’s hard to pull the blade across my skin this time, but I am still able to make a cut of decent depth. When done, I put the blade down on the side of the tub. Now I just have to wait. I wonder ho-Ring! What? Ring! My phone is ringing I try to get up, but I can’t. I hear the answering machine beep. “Hi, um, Pete? It’s me Mikey. You, uh, left some stuff at my house. Yeah. So, I’m gonna drop the things off sometime. Yup… so, yeah, I’ll see you later… Bye.” I feel so bad; Mikey will probably be the first to see me. Why did I give him a key while I was staying with him? To go get my stuff for me, ugh, bad decision.

My head is becoming more dizzy. Anytime now. Through the haze I hear a thud, and Hemm’s tags clanging together.
“Hey Hemmingway, where’s your daddy? Is he out?” I can hear Hemm whine. “Well Pete’s keys are on the table… Pete?” I hear him call. No, no, not again. Why does he keep finding me. I don’t want to be saved. “Pete?!” I hear him yell. I should have locked the bathroom door. I hear a few doors open and shut. It’s just a matter of minutes till he finds me. “Pete?” I see the doorhandle turn. “Fuck! Pete! What?!”
“Hi again.” I say fake smiling, like it’s no big deal. Mikey runs to the towels I have hanging up and press them against my wrists.
“Why, Pete, why?” He sounds so disappointed, and I feel ashamed. I can’t do anything right. “I’m calling 911.”
“No…”

I wake up in a hospital again. But this time, the room is almost completely bare. No factory art on the walls, no phone, nothing sharp. Great I’m on suicide watch.
“Pete? You awake?”
“Yeah.” I choke out, dry throat just like last time. But thankfully no puking this time, that’s a relief.
“Pete? Why’d… why’d you.. just why?” I could hear his voice was horse, and when I turned to look at him I saw he had tears in his eyes, threatening to spill over his eyelashes at any moment.