Answering Machine

Half an hour later found me following the nurse in the sea foam green scrubs, whose name I could not, for the life of me, seem to remember, this time to room C304, which was not located in the same recovery ward in which I had last seen Lindsay. Allie had since woken up, and was now gripping my hand tightly as she kept her small paces quick to keep up with me.

“Daddy,” she whined, tugging on my hand, “slow down!”

I stopped for merely a second and picked her up, tucking her into my arms and holding her against my hip.

“Better?” I asked her with a small smile. She nodded and stuck her thumb in her mouth, resting her head against my shoulder as I continued to follow the nurse. Lindsay was forever trying to get Allie to stop sucking her thumb, but such a minute triviality didn’t seem rather important right now, in the grand scheme of things. I also couldn’t help but think, however, about what I wouldn’t give to hear Lindsay’s voice right now, whether she was gently chiding Allie, or cracking a joke, or even arguing with me.

Behind us, both Lindsay’s parents and mine followed along, nervously glancing between the walls, the nurses’ stations, and the visitors meandering in and out of patients’ rooms.

“Now, she’s still asleep, and when she wakes, she may seem a bit disoriented, but she is stable and doing very well,” the nurse explained. “She’ll probably just want to sleep more once she wakes up from the anesthesia, so don’t be alarmed if she’s only awake for a short while.”

I nodded in understanding and thanked the nurse as we came to a stop, right outside the closed door of room C304. A laminated paper to the side of the door read Lindsay O’Callaghan, and beneath it was a list of the on-call doctors and nurses. The nurse smiled warmly and told us that, should we need her, she could be found in this hallway or at the nurses’ station, before pushing the door open gently and letting us step inside.

The room was fairly small and dim. The walls were white, save for a border of wallpaper patterned with seashells that ran around the perimeter of the room at the ceiling. My gaze darted immediately to Lindsay, who looked tiny and practically lost in the hospital bed.

“Oh, my baby!” Mrs. Thompson cried, brushing past me to sit on the edge of the bed, grasping Lindsay’s hand and gently pushing her hair away from her face. Allie somehow managed to wriggle free from my arms, and slid to the floor, before climbing on one of the bedside chairs. Lindsay’s mom pulled her granddaughter into her lap, and I could just barely hear her telling Allie that her mom would be okay, that she was just sleeping.

I looked on from across the room, frozen with my feet planted firmly on the tiled floor. I didn’t know what to do; I didn’t know how to make my body react to everything. I didn’t understand how everyone could be so quiet. Then again, why was I being so quiet? Because, really, all I wanted to do was scream and cry and rip my hair out and throw things and make it all go away.

My mom stood next to me, gripping my right arm, and my dad stood behind me, resting his hand on my left shoulder. I’m sure they all thought I was crazy for simply standing there with that expressionless look on my face, but suddenly, I just wished they all would leave. I wished they all would leave so I could squeeze myself next to Lindsay on the bed and wrap my arms around her and hold her tightly until she was better.

“Daddy!”

Allie’s sweet, little voice knocked me from my thoughts, and I blinked, looking down to see her in front of me, tugging on the hem of my t-shirt.

“Aren’t you gonna say hi to Momma?”

I squatted down to her eye level and ran my hand over her hair, smoothing out the messy curls.

“Of course,” I told her. “Will you come with me?”

Allie nodded her head vigorously and held her arms up so I could pull her into my grasp and carry her towards Lindsay. Her arms latched safely around the back of my neck, even when I sat down on the edge of the bed. I held on to Allie with one hand, and Lindsay’s hand with my other. She looked the same as she had when I saw her in the recovery room; sickly pale, covered in bruises and cuts, eyes closed, machines ticking and beeping away behind her.

I don’t know how long I sat there, running my thumb gently over Lindsay’s bruised knuckles as I watched her chest rise and fall steadily as she slept. I didn’t look up when there was a soft knock on the door, soon after accompanied by the sound of its opening. Light from the brightly lit hallway filled up the small room, casting a shadow of the nurse, this one dressed in cranberry colored scrubs, who stood in the doorway. I listened half-attentively as she introduced herself as Megan, and explained that she was taking over the night shift for Shannon, who I remembered had been the sea foam green scrubs nurse.

Before leaving, Megan apologized and informed us that only one guest was allowed to stay the night with Lindsay.

“Do you want to stay, John?”

I finally lifted my eyes to look at Lindsay’s mother, whose soft voice had posed the question. Her expression told me that she wasn’t really asking, rather, that she was insisting. I turned my attention back to Lindsay and nodded, squeezing her hand gently. I couldn’t leave her.

“Allie can stay with us for the night, if you’d like,” I heard my mom pipe up. I looked down at Allie, in my lap, who had begun to fall asleep again, and closed my eyes, nodding once more.

I kissed the top of Allie’s head and she stirred, rubbing her eyes.

“Is Mommy awake yet?” she asked sleepily, looking hopefully between the two of us. I shook my head and smiled sadly at her.

“Not yet, sweetie,” I told her. Her face dropped with sadness. “She will be, soon, though.”

“Pwomise?” she asked, holding up her little pinky. I smiled and hooked my pinky with hers and promised.

“I promise,” I told her. “But right now, you have to go home with Grandma and Grandpa, okay? I’m going to stay here with Mommy, and you can come back in the morning to see her.”

“But I wanna stay hewe with you!” she protested, jutting out her bottom lip.

“I know, baby, I know,” I sighed, kissing her forehead again, “but you have to go home and sleep. Can you be a good girl and do that for me, please?”

She nodded reluctantly and I hugged her closer to me.

“I love you, Allie-gator,” I told her softly, earning a sleepy giggle from her.

“I love you,” she murmured back before I handed her over to my parents. After everyone’s goodbyes and embraces were exchanged, I was left alone in the dim hospital room with Lindsay, whose eyes were still gently closed as she slept away the anesthesia.