Answering Machine

Through the hazy fog of exhaustion that clouded my mind and my body, I could feel the soft, cool sheets that twisted around us. Us. Lindsay lay next to me, her body pressed against mine as the ends of her loose, wild hair tickled my bare chest. I sighed, reveling in the serendipity of having woken before her, so I could, like I used to be able to do, press my lips faintly to the back of her neck and trace my fingers lightly over her shoulder blade, thinking that maybe, possibly, we could forget our argument long enough to stay like this.

But of course, as it seemed to be with many wonderful moments of my life, I was roped back to reality all too soon by the familiar buzzing of an alarm clock.

I closed my eyes, feigning sleep, as Lindsay twisted in my arms, stretching to hit the ‘off’ button on the alarm. To my slight surprise, and admitted contentment, she didn’t leap from my grasp, as I feared she might have. Instead, she remained still, her breathing steady against my skin. I slowly opened my eyes, watching her as she watched me. Her eyes were bright in the morning sun that streamed through the windows, her hair was tousled against the pillow beneath her head, and a curious smile was placed faintly on her lips. That was, of course, until she noticed my awakened state and pushed herself away from me, stumbling to the floor and taking the sheet with her, wrapping it around her body.

I sighed and rolled onto my back, staring at the ceiling as I anxiously drummed my fingers on my stomach.

“It would be nice if you could get Allie ready for school,” I heard Lindsay’s faint, almost hesitant, voice from the other side of the room. I turned my head to look at her, surprised at both her words and the tone of her voice.

I sat up in the bed, rubbing my hand through my hair and over my face. Lindsay stood facing me from the opposite side of the bed, clutching the white sheet from the bed close to her chest.

“Yeah, of course,” I responded, my voice still groggy and hoarse with sleep, as I rolled out of bed to find my boxers and pull them on.

She nodded in response and managed to send a small, appreciative smile in my direction. I walked around the end of the bed, approaching her hesitantly, until I managed to stand in front of her.

“Linds,” I sighed, reaching my hand out to touch her cheek gently. Something about the moment felt right, like maybe we hadn’t lost everything, like maybe we could figure something out. The last thing I wanted to do was argue and fight, especially with Lindsay.

She averted her gaze and moved her head away from my touch, and I felt my shoulders slump.

“John…” she trailed off, her voice sounded wary and frustrated. Her eyes finally made their way to my face, taking in my expression with an unsure gleam. She raised her hand to rest it against my chest, not pushing me away, but creating an obvious distance – a barrier, practically – between the two of us. “I just – I need some time to think.”

“Right, okay,” I muttered, disheartened, scratching the back of my neck awkwardly. “Fine.”

I turned on my heel and stalked out of our bedroom, grabbing a shirt on the way and pulling it over my head as I made my way down the hallway.

“Allie,” I called quietly as I entered her room, smiling at her sleeping figure, curled up into the blankets and pillows that surrounded her. She stirred slightly, but continued to sleep.

“Allie,” I repeated, this time a bit more loudly, squatting on the floor next to her bed. She grumbled something in her sleep, writhing about under the covers. “It’s time to get up, baby.”

“Sleep,” she muttered back almost incoherently. I let out a chuckle; she had, without a doubt, inherited my sleeping patterns and behaviors, not Lindsay’s.

“Come on,” I continued, nudging her shoulder lightly with my hand, “it’s time to get up and go to school.”

She rolled over and lifted a tiny fist to her eyes, rubbing the sleep away before letting them slowly open. Once she finally opened them, staring back at me with their green and hazel-speckled vibrancy, a smile spread across her face and she immediately picked herself up into a sitting position.

“Daddy!” she squealed, throwing her arms around my neck and all but leaping into my arms, causing me to stand up before I could lose my balance and fall backwards. “I missed you!”

“I missed you, too, Allie-gator,” I sighed, listening to her giggle happily against my shoulder. “I missed you so much.”

Some days, it practically killed me to be home – to hold Allie and make her laugh and listen to her fumble with words in her typical four-year-old fashion – because it made it that much harder to think about leaving again. I knew I couldn’t keep it up forever, or much longer, for that matter. As angry as I got when Lindsay badgered me incessantly about it, I knew she was right. Allie needed a proper father, and my near-constant absence didn’t exactly fit the job description. I never seemed to know what to do; I was forever at an impasse, not only with Lindsay, but also with myself.

“Daddy?” Allie’s voice rang in my ear, sucking me out of my thoughts and bringing me back to the reality of the little girl in my arms and her incessant poking at my cheek, attempting to grab my attention.

“Yeah?” I asked, shaking my head to rid my mind of its previous thoughts as I turned to look at her.

“Can you put me down, pwease?”

I smiled and bent down, letting her slide from my arms. For a moment, she stood in front of me, looking me over as if inspecting me. She pressed the palms of her hands against my cheeks, tugged at my nose and my ears, and stared quizzically at me.

“What’re you doing?” I asked her, laughing and smiling softly at her.

“Making sure you’we weally here,” she stated matter-of-factly. I smiled sadly at her words, repeating them over and over again in my head, listening to the sincerity and seriousness of her voice, and the trouble she had with pronouncing her letter ‘R.’

“I’m really here,” I told her softly. “I promise.”

She smiled brightly and grabbed a hold of my hands, swinging them back and forth with hers.

“I love you, Allie,” I told her, watching as her eyes followed, with sheer fascination, the pattern of our hands as they swung back and forth in space. “You know that, right?”

Her smiled only grew and she nodded energetically.

“I know,” she said, dragging out the end of her words, as if it was silly of me to even question her knowledge of the fact. “And I love you too, Daddy! Lots and lots and lots!”

I grinned and pulled her back to me, hugging her as tightly as I could. She giggled again and wriggled free from my grip to plant a kiss on my cheek, before looking at me once more.

“Daddy?” she asked, “Do you love Mommy, too?”

“Yes,” I answered automatically, smiling softly at her. “I love you and your mom very, very much, and nothing will ever change that.”

“Okay, good,” she responded with a small smile, her eyes shining brightly with contentment.

And it was true; I loved Lindsay and I loved Allie so much that sometimes I thought my heart would explode. I knew Lindsay was upset, and I wasn’t exactly sure where we stood at the moment, but I realized then that it wasn’t something that couldn’t easily be fixed. I looked back at Allie and smiled, thankful that things had worked out this way – so unexpected and unplanned, but in the end, so undeniably perfect.