Destroyed
Destroyed
The note lay on the ground at her knees. She’d collapsed onto them when she’d read it. It fluttered as the breeze from the street came onto the porch. She picked it up again, her hands shaking.
Goodbye. I love you. Keep the bracelet. Remember me. I’m leaving.
She stumbled into the house, clutching the note to her chest. She walked up the stairs to her room. As she fell on the bed, her tears began to flow freely. Thoughts raced through her head, her stomach clenched in the worst way, her head pounded.
If he loved her, why was he leaving? What had she done? She brought the bracelet that had been his to her lips and closed her eyes. She wanted him near her. She wanted his arms around her. She gritted her teeth to stop the tears but they continued to pour down her pale face.
What was she supposed to do without him? Life without him looked like a big pit of nothingness, she couldn’t bring herself to wash the makeup off from the day, she simply let her tears bring sleep to her weary body.
When she awoke, she looked at the crumpled note in her clenched fists. So it was real. He was gone. She went into the bathroom, quietly pulling her bottom drawer out. Then she reached in to the back and under the actual drawer. She pulled a little box from it and sat there with the door locked, the box on her lap. She looked at her bare arms. Scars covered them from years of fear. Years of anxiety. Years of panic. Years of wanting nothing more than death.
But they were fading. A year of not cutting, fades them. A year with him had done this. He’d known about it. She thought about the conversation where she’d ended up in tears in his arms. He’d told her she was too beautiful to die, too beautiful to do these things to herself. He’d made her promise to never do it again. She’d promised.
She looked at her arms again. He’d promised he’d never leave. Guess everyone breaks their promises at some point.
She lifted the lid carefully and took out the old blade. She ran it between her fingers, her heart pounding, her clenched stomach clenching more tightly. She hadn’t eaten since yesterday but she couldn’t bear the thought of eating something. The looked at her arm again. Memories flooded her of his face. His smell. His arms. All gone. Her jaw quivered. She took the blade between her fingers and placed it on a new spot.
She felt nothing as the blood began to come. She dropped the blade and stared. She waited till some of the blood dried, feeling drained, she rose and put a towel on the wounds. It didn’t do anything like it used to.
Carefully, she put the note in a box beside a picture of the two of them together. She shoved the box into the back of her bedside table’s drawer. She didn’t know what to do. So she crawled back into bed and slept. She’d find him again.
1 Year Later
Paxton walked slowly up the aisle behind her fellow graduates. They were all jittery with excitement. Finally, four years of high school was over! The line in front of her broke up as they all went to their designated chairs, but Paxton, the valedictorian, went right up on stage beside their principal.
“Graduates of 2012 and family, parents, teachers and guests, I present to you, this year’s valedictorian, Paxton Grey. Through her four years here, she has achieved and maintained high academic standards and I’m pleased to announce she was offered and accepted, a full scholarship to Toronto University! Ladies and gentlemen, your valedictorian, Paxton Grey.” The crowd applauded, she heard her friends cheer her on. Paxton was the quiet one, but she did always have friends, mainly because she was a stunning girl. Her dark curls fell over her shoulders as she stood to address the class.
When her speech was over, people cheered and threw their caps into the air. Paxton carefully stepped down off the podium, people came and congratulated her. Her mom hugged her. “I knew you could do it, I’m so proud of you!” Paxton smiled and made small tack with the various people who asked her questions and congratulated her on her speech and accomplishments. In her mind though, she was wishing she was anywhere but here. She wanted to be in Toronto. That’s where he was. She ran her fingers along the bracelet she hadn’t taken off since he’d left her the note. She was angry at him. He’d destroyed her. She’d been a wreck for weeks, and many of her friends had pointed out that although she did all the same things she used to, her eyes had lost the sparkle they’d had. She’d been hospitalized many times for cutting too deeply, or taking too many sleeping pills. Now, finally, she was going to be in the same city as him. She was scared. She didn’t know what to do.
5 Months Later
“And then, h e told me all about his mother’s menopause problems! I was like, oh my lord, I don’t want to hear this!” The group of girls burst out laughing as they enjoyed their Tuesday morning tea and coffee at a downtown cafe. “I swear Hanna; you sure know how to pick ‘em!” said Paxton to her blonde haired friend. As the girls continued their chattering, their waiter came to them.
“Excuse me, but it’s really a lovely day and we have another group who just arrived who would really prefer to sit in here, would you ladies mind sitting outside on our patio? We’d be happy to offer you a free round of coffee for your trouble.” The girls smiled, “of course!” They got up and walked out from the back of the cafe to the patio. The men turned and gawked at them. Of course they would, the 4 women were gorgeous.
Hanna, Leah, Sage and Paxton made their way to the outside patio. It was a nice day. The leaves were changing colours on the trees around them and the air was cool but it was still warm enough to not mind, and with some free coffee, it wasn’t too bad.
The girls were laughing as they continued their conversation. Paxton sat facing the road, and Hanna and Leah, Paxton threw her arms up in laughter, and someone saw her.
He was coming out of the subway on the other side of the street when he saw her sitting there. It didn’t seem real. His buddy saw her too. “Isn’t that Pax...” He shushed him. “Yeah, it is.” He stared at her, his stomach unsettled. When she threw her hands up in the hair, he caught a glimpse of the red bracelet he’d given her over a year ago. He felt a smile creeping across his lips as he stood there, just staring at her.
Paxton’s laugh stopped. Her eyes had fallen on a man across the street. He was tall, dark hair. Her stomach clenched as she stood up. She thought she heard Hanna ask her what was wrong, but she moved past them, through the entrance to the cafe and walked across the street.
“Jay.” She said as she arrived in front of him. She was taller than he had remembered. “Pax...” Her jaw quivered and her eyes were shining. He put his arms out but she pushed him back. “Why would you do that to me?” She stammered as tears poured down her face. She reached into her purse and pulled out a box, the old razor box, he recognized it. Jay tried pulling it away from her but she moved back and glared at him. She opened the box and pulled out the crumpled note and pushed it into his outstretched hand. “Does that explain a year of what I thought was happiness? Does that explain your promise? Or better yet, mine?” She pushed her sleeves back further, exposing fresh cuts. Jay clenched his teeth as he stared at her arms. He put his hands around her wrists and pulled her close to him.
“I’m sorry. It’s complicated, I didn’t want to leave but I had to.” She pushed him again, “You didn’t have to. And if you did, you owed me a better explanation, a better note. Or you know, a conversation, a phone call, something!” She was hysterical. People walking by stared as he tried to comfort her but she kept pushing him away.
She pulled of the bracelet and threw it at him. “Just take it! I don’t ever want to see you again.” He choked back tears as she went back to her friends who promptly glared at him and left, hugging her as they went. He’d destroyed her. He loved her though.
Goodbye. I love you. Keep the bracelet. Remember me. I’m leaving.
She stumbled into the house, clutching the note to her chest. She walked up the stairs to her room. As she fell on the bed, her tears began to flow freely. Thoughts raced through her head, her stomach clenched in the worst way, her head pounded.
If he loved her, why was he leaving? What had she done? She brought the bracelet that had been his to her lips and closed her eyes. She wanted him near her. She wanted his arms around her. She gritted her teeth to stop the tears but they continued to pour down her pale face.
What was she supposed to do without him? Life without him looked like a big pit of nothingness, she couldn’t bring herself to wash the makeup off from the day, she simply let her tears bring sleep to her weary body.
When she awoke, she looked at the crumpled note in her clenched fists. So it was real. He was gone. She went into the bathroom, quietly pulling her bottom drawer out. Then she reached in to the back and under the actual drawer. She pulled a little box from it and sat there with the door locked, the box on her lap. She looked at her bare arms. Scars covered them from years of fear. Years of anxiety. Years of panic. Years of wanting nothing more than death.
But they were fading. A year of not cutting, fades them. A year with him had done this. He’d known about it. She thought about the conversation where she’d ended up in tears in his arms. He’d told her she was too beautiful to die, too beautiful to do these things to herself. He’d made her promise to never do it again. She’d promised.
She looked at her arms again. He’d promised he’d never leave. Guess everyone breaks their promises at some point.
She lifted the lid carefully and took out the old blade. She ran it between her fingers, her heart pounding, her clenched stomach clenching more tightly. She hadn’t eaten since yesterday but she couldn’t bear the thought of eating something. The looked at her arm again. Memories flooded her of his face. His smell. His arms. All gone. Her jaw quivered. She took the blade between her fingers and placed it on a new spot.
She felt nothing as the blood began to come. She dropped the blade and stared. She waited till some of the blood dried, feeling drained, she rose and put a towel on the wounds. It didn’t do anything like it used to.
Carefully, she put the note in a box beside a picture of the two of them together. She shoved the box into the back of her bedside table’s drawer. She didn’t know what to do. So she crawled back into bed and slept. She’d find him again.
1 Year Later
Paxton walked slowly up the aisle behind her fellow graduates. They were all jittery with excitement. Finally, four years of high school was over! The line in front of her broke up as they all went to their designated chairs, but Paxton, the valedictorian, went right up on stage beside their principal.
“Graduates of 2012 and family, parents, teachers and guests, I present to you, this year’s valedictorian, Paxton Grey. Through her four years here, she has achieved and maintained high academic standards and I’m pleased to announce she was offered and accepted, a full scholarship to Toronto University! Ladies and gentlemen, your valedictorian, Paxton Grey.” The crowd applauded, she heard her friends cheer her on. Paxton was the quiet one, but she did always have friends, mainly because she was a stunning girl. Her dark curls fell over her shoulders as she stood to address the class.
When her speech was over, people cheered and threw their caps into the air. Paxton carefully stepped down off the podium, people came and congratulated her. Her mom hugged her. “I knew you could do it, I’m so proud of you!” Paxton smiled and made small tack with the various people who asked her questions and congratulated her on her speech and accomplishments. In her mind though, she was wishing she was anywhere but here. She wanted to be in Toronto. That’s where he was. She ran her fingers along the bracelet she hadn’t taken off since he’d left her the note. She was angry at him. He’d destroyed her. She’d been a wreck for weeks, and many of her friends had pointed out that although she did all the same things she used to, her eyes had lost the sparkle they’d had. She’d been hospitalized many times for cutting too deeply, or taking too many sleeping pills. Now, finally, she was going to be in the same city as him. She was scared. She didn’t know what to do.
5 Months Later
“And then, h e told me all about his mother’s menopause problems! I was like, oh my lord, I don’t want to hear this!” The group of girls burst out laughing as they enjoyed their Tuesday morning tea and coffee at a downtown cafe. “I swear Hanna; you sure know how to pick ‘em!” said Paxton to her blonde haired friend. As the girls continued their chattering, their waiter came to them.
“Excuse me, but it’s really a lovely day and we have another group who just arrived who would really prefer to sit in here, would you ladies mind sitting outside on our patio? We’d be happy to offer you a free round of coffee for your trouble.” The girls smiled, “of course!” They got up and walked out from the back of the cafe to the patio. The men turned and gawked at them. Of course they would, the 4 women were gorgeous.
Hanna, Leah, Sage and Paxton made their way to the outside patio. It was a nice day. The leaves were changing colours on the trees around them and the air was cool but it was still warm enough to not mind, and with some free coffee, it wasn’t too bad.
The girls were laughing as they continued their conversation. Paxton sat facing the road, and Hanna and Leah, Paxton threw her arms up in laughter, and someone saw her.
He was coming out of the subway on the other side of the street when he saw her sitting there. It didn’t seem real. His buddy saw her too. “Isn’t that Pax...” He shushed him. “Yeah, it is.” He stared at her, his stomach unsettled. When she threw her hands up in the hair, he caught a glimpse of the red bracelet he’d given her over a year ago. He felt a smile creeping across his lips as he stood there, just staring at her.
Paxton’s laugh stopped. Her eyes had fallen on a man across the street. He was tall, dark hair. Her stomach clenched as she stood up. She thought she heard Hanna ask her what was wrong, but she moved past them, through the entrance to the cafe and walked across the street.
“Jay.” She said as she arrived in front of him. She was taller than he had remembered. “Pax...” Her jaw quivered and her eyes were shining. He put his arms out but she pushed him back. “Why would you do that to me?” She stammered as tears poured down her face. She reached into her purse and pulled out a box, the old razor box, he recognized it. Jay tried pulling it away from her but she moved back and glared at him. She opened the box and pulled out the crumpled note and pushed it into his outstretched hand. “Does that explain a year of what I thought was happiness? Does that explain your promise? Or better yet, mine?” She pushed her sleeves back further, exposing fresh cuts. Jay clenched his teeth as he stared at her arms. He put his hands around her wrists and pulled her close to him.
“I’m sorry. It’s complicated, I didn’t want to leave but I had to.” She pushed him again, “You didn’t have to. And if you did, you owed me a better explanation, a better note. Or you know, a conversation, a phone call, something!” She was hysterical. People walking by stared as he tried to comfort her but she kept pushing him away.
She pulled of the bracelet and threw it at him. “Just take it! I don’t ever want to see you again.” He choked back tears as she went back to her friends who promptly glared at him and left, hugging her as they went. He’d destroyed her. He loved her though.