Now I Wonder.

The skies around Baltimore rumbled furiously, angry swirls of black and purple. The rain poured down and the wind howled wildly, whipping one boy’s cheeks as he ran. His tears may not have been visible due to the down pour, but they were surely falling, hot and frequent. He was running, faster than he’d ever ran before. His muscles ached with the effort, and his throat burned from his short, ragged breaths, but he simply kept going.

‘Alex, what’s wrong?’ Jack asked, squeezing their interlocked hands.
Alex's chocolate brown eyes avoided Jack's, and he looked at the floor, shrugging his shoulders. Jack had known Alex for a very long time and he knew him well enough to know that something was on his mind.

‘Tell me’ Jack murmured, using his free hand to lift Alex's chin, forcing eye contact. Alex sighed and threw Jack a pleading look, but Jack simply looked at him expectantly.

‘Tell me’ he repeated softly.

The boy ripped his phone from his pocket with difficulty, due to the way the sopping wet, thick fabric clung to it. He punched in those familiar numbers desperately, holding the phone to his ear, his pace never once slowing. The dial tone sounded for a few slow moments, and then it cut to answer phone, filling the boy’s ears with his voice. The sound of it made the boys heart hurt, and he picked up his pace once more, eyes blurring with tears.

Alex gulped and licked his lips. ‘We’ve been together a while now, right?’
Jack froze momentarily, and his hand let go of alexs chin, instead letting it fall limply into his lap.

‘Yeah, we have’ he said, a hint of fear creeping into his voice as he thought about the ways in which this conversation could go. He couldn’t think of many good ones.

The boy’s muscles were working against him now, aching and resisting his efforts to move faster. Regardless, he refused to stop. It was getting dark now, and the thunder rolling around the sky was creating an eerie atmosphere, not that the boy was paying any attention. No, he just continued to run. The sight of a familiar path, lined with familiar houses helped him gather the strength to keep going. Not far now.

‘Right’ Alex agreed, nodding nervously. ‘I wasn’t... I wasn’t sure. I thought I did, but I didn’t know for sure....’

‘Alex?’ Jack asked, confused, but Alex cut him off again.

‘I wanted to be sure, and I am now. So like, I just…I have to say it.’ The brown haired boy stumbled through his words, and it concerned Jack.

‘What is it?’ he asked, giving Alex's fingers a gentle squeeze.

Alex seemed to gather himself, and he took a deep breath, meeting Jack's gaze and holding it.

‘I love you.’

The boy turned onto his street, allowing his pace to slow just the slightest bit. He watched his apartment building as he ran; counting up the windows to the floor his apartment was located. He counted three windows to the left and saw an orange-yellow light glowing from behind the curtains. His pace increased again, and he raced to the apartment block, throwing the door open.

‘Jack what are you doing?!’ Alex exclaimed pleadingly, eyes watering.
Jack put his arms through his jacket, head spinning and only just conscious of Alex's words.

‘Jack, please.’ Alex begged, the tears spilling over his cheeks. It was then that Jack met his eyes, sighing.

‘You love me?’ he asked, his voice flat.

Alex nodded hesitantly. ‘But you don’t love me’ he whispered, voice breaking. He said it as a statement; a simple, painful fact based on Jacks current behavior.

Jack frowned. ‘I don’t know Lex’ he whispered. ‘I have to go’

‘No!’ Alex shouted, a sob closing in around the word. He scrambled to get a hold on Jacks arm, but Jack easily shrugged him off. He opened the door and left, walking down the corridor and trying desperately to pretend that he didn’t hear the quiet sobs behind him.

The boy raced up the nine flights of stairs desperately. He could have taken the elevator. It would have been quicker, easier, but the boy felt like he needed to keep moving. He needed to feel the ache in his legs, and the one in his heart. He climbed the steps, ragged breaths bouncing off of the walls.

Finally, he arrived at his floor. He was grateful for the flat terrain and picked up his speed once again, not quite knowing where his energy was coming from, but not caring either. He stopped outside of his door, eyes glancing over the fine, gold numbers etched into the wood. 252.

Jack sat in the park an hour later, numbness in his mind and in his fingers. Jack couldn’t quite comprehend what he’d just done. Though he’d never had admitted it, not even to himself, Jack knew he’d been waiting to hear those words coming from that perfect mouth for so long.

Many times, when he would lie with Alex in his post-coital glow, legs tangled and steady breathing, Jack had wished the other boy would say the words. He would have said them himself, but bravery wasn’t his strongest point; as his actions little over an hour ago had proven. Jack couldn’t for the life of him conclude why those words had made him run away.

He couldn’t comprehend why he had just left Alex, couldn’t understand why something he’d been waiting to hear had filled him with fear. But that was just it, fear. Jack was scared, so stupidly scared. Did he love Alex? Jack didn’t know, he hadn’t experienced love before.

Jack knew he deeply cared about Alex. He knew he would do anything for him. He knew that if anyone ever hurt a hair on his head he would make sure they never walked again. He knew Alex could throw as much shit at him as he wanted, and at the end of the day he would take it; because he would take anything for Alex, even a bullet.

And it made Jack realize. Perhaps he didn’t know what love was, but then again, maybe he did. Maybe everything he felt for his boy was love. And with the other realization that he may have just thrown that away, Jack began to run for his life.The boy banged on the door furiously, calling a name, his throat burning at the action.

‘Alex’.

He repeated the word desperately, pulling at his hair with one hand as the other continued to bang on the door. The minutes wore on, and the boy’s new found energy seemed to drain away from him. His hands stopped banging, and simply slid down the cool wood, mirroring the way the tears slid down his cheeks.

He rested his head against the door uselessly, shoulders shaking as he sobbed.

‘Please’ he whispered, so quiet that he wasn’t even sure the words had left his lips.

He lifted his head from the door when he heard a key fumbling within the lock. The door opened moments later, and his heart ached at the sight in front of him.

‘Jack-’ Alex started, but the other boy had no intention of listening to a word he had to say.
His hands cupped Alex's cheeks, and he pushed their lips together roughly, pouring his apologies into the kiss.

He pulled away quickly, but only to whisper ‘I love you’ against Alex's lips. And then he was pulling his boy back into the kiss, gripping at his hips urgently and trying to pull him closer than was physically possible. He felt Alex's fingers tangle in his wet hair, and deepened the kiss, their lips moving together perfectly.

He pulled away when his already battered lungs were screaming for air, but he never loosed his grip on Alex, and his lips never left skin. He pressed tender kisses to his jaw,
and the corners of his mouth.

He whispered an ‘I love you’ between every little kiss, delighting in how good it felt to say.
Alex's smooth voice murmured the words back again and again, and they fell into a small cycle; uttering the three words between soft kisses and needy touches.

Jack didn’t know what love was, but he didn’t care. If this wasn’t it, he didn’t want love. He had a feeling what he felt was something much stronger.