Airplanes

Her door was shut. I turned the knob and shoved it open. My eyes darted to her, on her bed with her body curled into a ball. Where was her strength now?

"False confidence and a hardass exterior get you nowhere in life," I thought aloud. She sat up, her eyes looking to me.

"I didn't ask for your help. Go away," she snapped.

"I didn't intend to give you my help. But this is going to end now. We're not together anymore, and frankly, why should we get married? So you can take half of everything I have when you divorce me? No, not happening. The wedding is off and I'll be sending out the e-mail tonight. Goodnight," I turned and walked back to my room, the words of the conversation ringing in my ears. Short, but so bittersweet.

I would no longer be tied down to a marriage that was based on false assumptions. And I would most certainly not be living with her for much longer, this I was sure of. The people in and out of here, her new one night stands, it was something I couldn't take, nor should I have to.

I went to sleep that night, on my make-shift bed, with the image of her broken figure in my mind. I didn't sleep well.

When I awoke the next morning, I found her in the kitchen, sipping her coffee. She was sitting the very same way she was the last day we were together. Her hands on the coffee cup, eyes straight forward and most certainly making sure not to look at me. Her eyes wouldn't turn to look at me as I rummaged through the cabinets, trying to find some sort of breakfast before I started my day. There was nothing. Not even anything to drink other than alcohol, which I knew wouldn't be a good thing to start off my day.

"What happened to all the food I bought?" I asked her, turning to gaze at her back. I noted absentmindedly that her form was much smaller. It wasn't really like her.

"People come over and they eat food," her tone was uninterested, but not in a disrespectful way.

"People eat my food, that I paid for, with my own money. That makes a whole lot of sense."

"Cry about it."

"Now, that was mature. I think now would be a good time to tell you I'm moving out in two weeks, to New York. I have a place rented and everything. You'll have to put the utilities in your name and everything before I leave."

Her eyes didn't move from the wall in front of her.

"You're moving out," she repeated, monotone.

"Yes, in two weeks. I gave you notice. You can't sue me for the rest of the lease."

"You're moving to New York. You're moving to another state. Hundreds and hundreds of miles away."

"I just said that."

I moved to leave the kitchen, but she caught my arm.

Her voice was shaking as she spoke, "Am I really that bad? Am I really that terrible to you?"

"Yes and yes," I pulled from her grasp. She followed me, coffee in hand.

"Stop. Remember every morning, when we moved in together, I would sit and drink my coffee, and you would taunt me about how it's the reason I'm so short, because I have so much caffeine intake, and we would laugh and we would wrestle and you would tickle me until finally we dozed off together? Remember that?"

"How the hell could I forget, hm? I'm surrounded by the reminders every single day," I turned to face her. I looked to her eyes in hopes of some kind of logic behind this confrontation.

"The reminders. You're upset about the reminders. To hell with it all, to hell with it. Get rid of every single thing in this house if it's what you want. What does it matter, huh? You're leaving! You're gone! To New York! Leaving every single person that loves you sitting here in California!"

"What is with you? Lonely night last night, huh? Want someone for a fix? Want someone's head to fuck with, eh? Want to fuck with my head some more? You didn't get enough the first time. You didn't get enough when you decided you weren't happy. Oh, of course not! Because I was never good enough for you, was I? Never could get you expensive things, take you to the five star restaurants, was that the problem? Well, here, since it's about money for you, have at it!" I pulled my wallet from my pocket and tossed it to the floor at her feet.

"I never fucked with your head! I panicked! We were moving so fast and the wedding was way too much! I'm way too young!"

"There's such thing as saying no to a fucking engagement. You should've said no. You should've told me then you didn't want to marry me."

"How could I? We were deliriously happy because we thought we were such a perfect couple, but look at us! We're so dysfunctional! You don't talk to me anymore. You never ask me how I'm doing or what's wrong. You don't sleep with me. You don't say goodmorning or kiss me goodnight and it fucks me up, okay!? I lived with that for so long, and it just stopped!"

"I can't kiss you after you put your mouth all over someone else's body. I can't even look at you, let alone touch you."

"Is that what this is about? Infidelity?"

"You got noticed by people, and you started liking it. And when you liked it, you started cheating. There is no relationship anymore. In case you didn't notice, we've been over for months!"

Her eyes went wide as she turned, walking back to her room. Her door slammed and I shut mine quietly, grabbing some boxes and packing my stuff.

Two weeks? I needed out of here now.

- - -

I packed all of my things, looking for a quick getaway. Somehow, though, I knew it wouldn't be that way.

All of the people she'd bring over suddenly stopped coming after I'd told her of my leaving. She'd spend most of her time in her room, not leaving to go to work. Her door remained shut, and faithfully every morning during the two weeks, she would sit at the kitchen table, drinking one cup of coffee as I ate my breakfast, and then returning to her room without a word. The whole time she drank her coffee, her eyes stayed on me. Her life had become something of a system that operated on the coffee she drank, and the hours she slept.

The doorbell rang on the day of my leaving, and she didn't get up to answer it, so I decided to take the honor.

"Is Lindsay home?" they asked. A man, shorter than I, stood before me at the door.

"She's in her room. Have at it."

He shoved past me and into her room. I heard some persistent yelling, and then her door slammed open and he stormed out. He stalked out the door and slammed it behind him. She got up and shut her door without a word.

I loaded everything I'd packed into my truck. I don't know why I went inside the last time, maybe I wanted her to see me off, see me move on. But as I went inside, I found her on the couch, her head buried in her hands. She was sobbing.

I stood awkwardly for a minute, just studying her as she cried. I wasn't sure if I should offer comfort or just leave.

"Linds?" I asked, carefully approaching her timid form. She looked scared as I sat next to her and put my arm around her.

She leaned into my embrace, letting out a long sigh as she buried her head into the crook of my neck. I leaned down and kissed her head, without even thinking about what I was doing. I could smell the familiar scent of her shampoo. It brought back haunting memories and I pushed them away quickly. No need for that before I embark on the long drive to my new home.

"Why don't you stay?"

I was startled at the sudden intensity in her voice. She looked into my eyes now and I flinched away.

"Stay with me," she repeated.

I didn't dare say a word. She pulled away from my embrace and stood up. She walked to the kitchen, and I couldn't help but laugh as she fixed herself a cup of coffee.

"Faithfully, whenever you're upset, you drink coffee," I said with a chuckle.

"You're leaving. Don't try to cheer me up," she took a sip and flinched, I assume, at the temperature of her chosen poison.

"I told you I was leaving two weeks ago. You knew."

"That doesn't mean I'm handling it well," she set her cup of coffee down and sat next to me.

I turned to face her and I don't quite remember who initiated the kiss, or why the hell it happened, but we kissed. And neither of us pulled away at first. In fact, I was the one pulled away first.

"Lindsay..."

"Don't. Save it," she turned away from me and made her way back to the kitchen.

"Lindsay! Please, sit, and listen to me," I made one final plead for her attention.

She made herself another cup of coffee, and sat next to me again.

"That kiss, Lindsay. We can't get back together. Not after all the damage that's been done."

"But... Nic, I want it to be something."

"It can't be. We broke up months ago. I'm leaving here in about five minutes, to go across the country. We can't."

She kissed me again with an urgency I'd never felt from her before. Her lips moved to my cheek, my jaw, my neck, and soon, she was straddling me.

I pushed her away from me. "What are you doing? Are you out of your mind?" I exclaimed, my eyes wide.

"I need you to stay. I need you to be here with me. I know everything I've done was so wrong, and I'm so sorry for everything I've done."

I'd dreamt of her saying those words to me, for weeks. All I had wanted was her to have the need that I did, and now, in my leaving, she had it. But I still had to decide, go or stay?

- - - -

She'd managed to stall me from leaving for awhile. She was in her room, and I could hear the TV through her open door. I sat in the kitchen, gazing off at the pale blue walls.

She soon emerged from her room, and found her way into the kitchen. I shook my head, pulling myself from the trance-like state and turned to face her. She was standing, looking in the cabinets. She moved to the refridgerator next, just standing there, looking at it's contents.

"When're you leaving?" she asked suddenly, her eyes still focused on the refridgerator.

"Soon, I think. When traffic dies down."

"I don't think it'd make much of a difference if I were to plead with you to stay, huh?"

"Maybe."

"I did a lot of things that I shouldn't have, Nic. I know that. I didn't mean to hurt you how I did. I can't take that back, but I'd like to at least try to make this right."

She was facing me now, her eyes serious.

"Stay. We can fix this," she was serious. Her tone had no ounce of doubt to be found.

"You will fix this. Not I."

"Thank you so much..." she rushed into my arms and there were no boundaries as I wrapped my arms around her small figure. I hadn't realized how much I had missed her being close to me. I didn't want to let go, but she pulled away and looked at me.

"So you'll stay, and you'll give me another chance?"

"I'll give you a few weeks to a month before I decide if I'm leaving," I moved to the couch and sat down, resting my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands.

Why did I do this?