I Would Love You If I Could...

Dear Diary,
4 Months Left… He asked me again today. Do I want to say yes? Hell yeah. But can I? Hell no.

-Ainsley

I sighed and coughed aloud. When I pulled my arm away, blood was splattered on it. I really do not need this crap right now, I thought as I started to cry. Tears ran down my cheeks like rain. I choked out the words I needed to say, “I have loved you forever. But unfortunately…I don’t have forever to love you.” Him, the boy who I needed to tell. As I cried, I moaned his name. “Sage. Oh god, I love you.” Falling onto my pillow, I remembered that day.

My mom and I sat laughing in the waiting room of the doctor’s office. We were very close. She loved being involved in my life. I didn’t mind. I was glad I wasn’t those girls who lost their mother early on. I had mine for life. Or so I thought at the time. Dr. Williams walked out of the swinging doors and smiled weakly at us. My mom, with tears of joy in her bright green eyes I inherited, spoke. “Well, what is the results, doctor?” I had been sick with flu-like symptoms for the past week. Right on queue, I coughed loudly. My cheeks flushed. Dr. Williams took a breath. “I am very sorry. I didn’t want to be the ones to tell you this. Ainsley, you have throat cancer.” My mind went blank, my limbs went numb. My mom started sobbing. Dr. Williams kept explaining. I caught words like “Too progressed for surgery.” “She has at most a year.” “I suggest you make this her best year.” This wasn’t supposed to happen. I was supposed to sing in Carnegie Hall some day. NotDIE. I choked on tears. Paralyzed in fear. No…Not today. But, my dreams would never come true.

Every day now, I stayed home. My friends came about once a week. They didn’t want to see me in bed. Dying. I looked really bad too. Sagging eyelids. Bruised arms and legs. Coughing 24-7. I didn’t blame them for being scared of me. Oh but he came every day. To visit with me. He made me laugh. I mean, that hurt my throat more. But when I started to lose my voice he was somehow always clear it up with his love. Sage had been my best friend since I was enrolled in preschool. Sage Michaels held my hand and shared the Lego’s with me that day. Everyone else was afraid of the new girl. I remember 15 years later, he shared his secret with me.

He laughed and smiled. I loved his face. How the shaggy blonde hair was cut off just below his eyes. His dark brown chocolatey eyes that changed to silver when he said he loved him. I love you too, Sage. My words stuck in my throat. Before the pain. Before the falling feeling. Before my death notice. I didn’t have to tell him how I felt. “Ainsley, I want you to know something. No one else knows this. But I love you. I have for years. Do you love me?” My mouth had dropped open at this point and I ran away. For years after, almost every day he would ask that same question. I had never answered aloud to him. I had told my mom. But I know she understands about the problem I have. The fact he could tell me his secret and I can never tell him mine until I’m gone…
***

Another text message from him

From: Sage.
Hey honey.

I wanted to answer. My fingers were too weak to flip around with an answer. He knew I was sick. And he wondered what I was sick with. I had told him it was a bad cold. He bought it even though I had been out of school for 3 months.
How do I even tell you, Sage? I found some strength.

To: Sage.
The reason I won’t answer you is because I know if I start dating you, it won’t end very well. Considering the fact that I’m going to die in 4 months. I know what you’re thinking right now, but the truth is…I love you Sage. And I want to date you. And I would…if I could. What happens when I do die? Will you go into deep depression? See, I don’t want you to hurt yourself when I die. Just know... I’ll be with you forever.
- Ainsley

He didn’t answer the rest of the night. I was cold without his touch. I wish he was right next to me. He could be, if I weren’t dying. I sang in a hoarse voice, knowing this might be the last time I could make a sound. They had said around 8 months in the year, I would start to lose my voice for good. They had given me a sign language chart to study. I took one look at it. Freaking crap. My voice managed to croak out the words...a miracle.

“Tonight a candle lights the room,
Tonight it's only me and you,
Your skin like gravity
Is pulling every part of me,
I fall, you and I collide

What if I stay forever?
What if there's no goodbye?
Frozen for a moment here in time,
Yeah,
If you tell me the sky is falling,
Or say that the stars collide,
The only thing that matters in my life,
Is you and I tonight”

Choked words. Tears, bloody tears. I didn’t want to die. No!

”Our eyes close the candle burns away,
But I know the fire still remains
This love is all we need
We fit together perfectly,
I fall, you and I collide

What if I stay forever?
What if there's no goodbye?
Frozen for a moment here in time,
Yeah,
If you tell me the sky is falling,
Or say that the stars collide,
The only thing that matters in my life,
Is you and I tonight

I wanna see this through
I wanna give it all to you

Tonight a candle lights the room
Tonight, it's only me and you, oh

What if I stay forever?
What if there's no goodbye?
Frozen for a moment here in time,
Yeah,
If you tell me the sky is falling,
Or say that the stars collide,
The only thing that matters in my life,
Is you and I tonight
Tell me the sky, forever
Just you and I tonight
Tell me the sky,
What if I stay?
Just you and I tonight.”

I whispered one word, “Sage…” And closed my eyes to blackness...