You Can Let Go Now
Lost
If the people we love are stolen from us, the way to have them live on is never stop loving them. Buildings burn, people die, but real love is forever. -The Crow
Sidney stood there for a moment, feeling like complete shit. He felt terrible about what happened and what he did to her. He knew what he did was wrong, he kissed her and maybe had taken advantage of the situation.
He couldn’t help it, he was confused. He hadn’t been sexually attracted to someone since...her. Hell, he hadn’t even looked at anyone. However, over the summer him and Elizabeth had gotten extremely close. His body wanted her, she was sexy. His mind and emotions were far from ready, though. His heart was devoted to Emily. He would never stop loving her and when Elizabeth said ‘I love you’, he panicked. He realized what he was doing and immediately stopped.
He betrayed his true love. He also hurt someone who didn’t deserve it. He punched the wall in frustration, he felt like he was losing himself and couldn’t stop it. He had stepped in quicksand and he didn’t have the strength to pull himself out.
“Sidney, what happened?” he heard from the doorway. Standing there was Marc-Andre and Vero. He only shook his head in response, unable to explain the fucked up situation he put himself in.
“We were in the kitchen when Elizabeth came running down. She’s really upset,” Vero explained. Sidney felt a pang in his heart. He couldn’t do anything right anymore.
“I fucked up big time. I-I can’t....I can’t do this!” He screamed, making them jump back. Marc-Andre nodded for his girlfriend to go downstairs. She gave Sidney a concerned look before returning to the kitchen.
Marc stood there while Sidney continued to explain himself, “I fooled myself this summer, really hard. I figured if I pushed the memories and thoughts of her back, then I could move on. I thought Elizabeth was helping me, but really she just made things worse. Now I fucked up and hurt another person. It’s too soon. I feel like-”
I feel like I’m drowning.
Sidney stopped himself before the rest came out, remembering who he was talking to. Flower was one of his best friends on the team, but that shit was personal. That would make him weak. He was their captain, he wasn’t allowed to have breakdowns-no matter what time of the year it was.
Marc surprised him, however, by giving him a hug. Teammates were not often soft and didn’t talk about emotions a whole lot, so when they did, it was sincere.
“You don’t always have to be perfect, Sid. You try so hard to lead everyone to think you’re fine. Anyone would be messed up having gone through what you did,” Flower told him.
Sidney looked away although he appreciated Marc being there more than he could ever say. It was exactly what he needed to hear. “I can’t go back down there,” Sidney admitted.
His friend nodded with understanding. “If anyone asks, you’re on the phone,” he explained, with a confused look on his face from his terrible lie.
Sidney half smiled. “Thanks.”
________________________________________________________________________
He came back down after he took a shower. He didn’t feel any better, but it was his party and people wanted to visit with him. He mingled and talked with people about useless things. It was easier that way. Plus, half of these people barely knew him intimately.
Taylor, being the caring and observant person she is, had seen something was wrong. It was just the two of them on his hammock together talking when she asked, “How are you holding up?”
Holding up was an overstatement. He felt like at any moment if someone said the wrong thing he was going to break down. “Honestly, I’m not. I don’t want to party. I know that I’m supposed to be celebrating cause it’s my day with the cup, but there’s not one party of me that is in the mood.”
“I completely understand,” she replied.
They sat in silence for a couple of minutes before Sidney asked, “Tay?”
She turned her head, waiting for him to continue. “I know I usually stay until late August, but I think I want to go back to Pittsburgh.”
She frowned, “Why?”
“I messed up with Elizabeth. There is nothing happy here for me. I want to go back and get into a routine,” he told her, watching with a frown as he saw his parents arguing.
“Are you going to stay at Mario’s?” she asked.
He nodded, “I can’t go back to our house. I’m not-I don’t want to. I haven’t been there since....yeah, I haven’t been there.”
“There’s no rush,” she agreed, resting her head on his shoulder, “I’ll just miss you. I hate when you leave.”
“I’ll miss you too,” he told her. He really would. Despite the age difference between them, they had always been close. They talked at least once a day and shared everything with each other.
Sidney felt so much better after talking to Taylor, that he was able to get through the rest of the night and have a pretty good time with his friends and family.
It felt like hours, however, before everyone left. It was 2 am when the only guests at his house were his teammate, who were staying there until they left.
“McKenzie told be about what happened Elizabeth,” Max told him. Sidney, Max and Marc were in the kitchen chatting while everyone else had fallen asleep.
Sidney raised an eyebrow. “What’d she say?”
“She felt bad. She told me they had talked about it and she felt like Elizabeth overreacted,” he explained.
Sidney shrugged, maybe she did. But that still didn’t make what he did okay.
“Give it time, Sid. You guys will be fine,” he reassured.
“It doesn’t matter, I’m leaving for Pittsburgh in three days.”
Sidney stood there for a moment, feeling like complete shit. He felt terrible about what happened and what he did to her. He knew what he did was wrong, he kissed her and maybe had taken advantage of the situation.
He couldn’t help it, he was confused. He hadn’t been sexually attracted to someone since...her. Hell, he hadn’t even looked at anyone. However, over the summer him and Elizabeth had gotten extremely close. His body wanted her, she was sexy. His mind and emotions were far from ready, though. His heart was devoted to Emily. He would never stop loving her and when Elizabeth said ‘I love you’, he panicked. He realized what he was doing and immediately stopped.
He betrayed his true love. He also hurt someone who didn’t deserve it. He punched the wall in frustration, he felt like he was losing himself and couldn’t stop it. He had stepped in quicksand and he didn’t have the strength to pull himself out.
“Sidney, what happened?” he heard from the doorway. Standing there was Marc-Andre and Vero. He only shook his head in response, unable to explain the fucked up situation he put himself in.
“We were in the kitchen when Elizabeth came running down. She’s really upset,” Vero explained. Sidney felt a pang in his heart. He couldn’t do anything right anymore.
“I fucked up big time. I-I can’t....I can’t do this!” He screamed, making them jump back. Marc-Andre nodded for his girlfriend to go downstairs. She gave Sidney a concerned look before returning to the kitchen.
Marc stood there while Sidney continued to explain himself, “I fooled myself this summer, really hard. I figured if I pushed the memories and thoughts of her back, then I could move on. I thought Elizabeth was helping me, but really she just made things worse. Now I fucked up and hurt another person. It’s too soon. I feel like-”
I feel like I’m drowning.
Sidney stopped himself before the rest came out, remembering who he was talking to. Flower was one of his best friends on the team, but that shit was personal. That would make him weak. He was their captain, he wasn’t allowed to have breakdowns-no matter what time of the year it was.
Marc surprised him, however, by giving him a hug. Teammates were not often soft and didn’t talk about emotions a whole lot, so when they did, it was sincere.
“You don’t always have to be perfect, Sid. You try so hard to lead everyone to think you’re fine. Anyone would be messed up having gone through what you did,” Flower told him.
Sidney looked away although he appreciated Marc being there more than he could ever say. It was exactly what he needed to hear. “I can’t go back down there,” Sidney admitted.
His friend nodded with understanding. “If anyone asks, you’re on the phone,” he explained, with a confused look on his face from his terrible lie.
Sidney half smiled. “Thanks.”
________________________________________________________________________
He came back down after he took a shower. He didn’t feel any better, but it was his party and people wanted to visit with him. He mingled and talked with people about useless things. It was easier that way. Plus, half of these people barely knew him intimately.
Taylor, being the caring and observant person she is, had seen something was wrong. It was just the two of them on his hammock together talking when she asked, “How are you holding up?”
Holding up was an overstatement. He felt like at any moment if someone said the wrong thing he was going to break down. “Honestly, I’m not. I don’t want to party. I know that I’m supposed to be celebrating cause it’s my day with the cup, but there’s not one party of me that is in the mood.”
“I completely understand,” she replied.
They sat in silence for a couple of minutes before Sidney asked, “Tay?”
She turned her head, waiting for him to continue. “I know I usually stay until late August, but I think I want to go back to Pittsburgh.”
She frowned, “Why?”
“I messed up with Elizabeth. There is nothing happy here for me. I want to go back and get into a routine,” he told her, watching with a frown as he saw his parents arguing.
“Are you going to stay at Mario’s?” she asked.
He nodded, “I can’t go back to our house. I’m not-I don’t want to. I haven’t been there since....yeah, I haven’t been there.”
“There’s no rush,” she agreed, resting her head on his shoulder, “I’ll just miss you. I hate when you leave.”
“I’ll miss you too,” he told her. He really would. Despite the age difference between them, they had always been close. They talked at least once a day and shared everything with each other.
Sidney felt so much better after talking to Taylor, that he was able to get through the rest of the night and have a pretty good time with his friends and family.
It felt like hours, however, before everyone left. It was 2 am when the only guests at his house were his teammate, who were staying there until they left.
“McKenzie told be about what happened Elizabeth,” Max told him. Sidney, Max and Marc were in the kitchen chatting while everyone else had fallen asleep.
Sidney raised an eyebrow. “What’d she say?”
“She felt bad. She told me they had talked about it and she felt like Elizabeth overreacted,” he explained.
Sidney shrugged, maybe she did. But that still didn’t make what he did okay.
“Give it time, Sid. You guys will be fine,” he reassured.
“It doesn’t matter, I’m leaving for Pittsburgh in three days.”