These Jeans Are Too Tight

I felt my face heat up as Zack walked away. A few people glanced at me and made weird faces but kept walking. I hurried back in to the office and sat down.

Registering me took much longer than I anticipated. After my mom finished speaking to the secretary and signing off on some papers, we left the office. I walked through the halls with my head down. Once my mom and I got to the car I let out a deep breath. My mom rested a hand on my shoulder.

"Are you alright honey?" I shrugged.

"I don't think the kids here are going to be anymore accepting than the kids at my old school." My mother sighed and started the car. We drove in silence for a few minutes and when we were stopped at a red light my mother spoke.

"Maybe you should keep your sexual preference to yourself. If you really believe the kids here aren't going to accept you. I know you aren't fond of the idea of seeming like you're in the closet, but maybe its for the best you do for now. At least until you get to college."

My face scrunched up like I swallowed a lemon. I have never been in the closet about my sexuality. I wouldn't even know how to hide such a big part of myself. I haven't had any relations with a guy, I actually haven't even kissed one yet. I hadn't met any other gay boys in my town, even though I'm sure there were some. Just the idea of hiding such a big part of myself makes me feel fake.

"Mom, I can't just lie about who I am." My mother pulled into our driveway.

"Honey, I really think it would be for the best. I'm thinking of your safety. That's most important to me right now. Please just think about it. The secretary said you could start school on Monday, so you have a few days to think over my suggestion. Just consider it. For your own good." Before I could respond, my mom stepped out of the car. I sighed stepping out to and shut the car door. I starred after my mom walking up the steps to our house. The sour taste in my mouth from her idea lingered. I started walking down the street and jammed my hands into my pockets. I don't know the town well, but I needed the fresh air to help me think.

How could I even act like I'm not gay? Am I suppose to be constantly gawking at girls in the hallway? That's what most straight boys I see do. What if I slip up in conversation and say something to give off a gay vibe? The idea of keeping up with the charade gave me a headache.

I came across a small park. There weren't many people in it. I started on the narrow path looking down at the ground. I wish my mother could home school me. This way I don't have to worry about people not liking me for who I am. I don't care to make any new friends. No one could be as supportive and accepting as my mother.

"Hey." I snapped out of my thoughts and turned toward the voice. It was Zack.

"Hi." I said in a low voice. He was sitting down on a bench feeding some ducks. He gestured for me to sit next to him. I sautéed over and sat on the farther end of the bench still looking down at the ground.

"You seem excited about something." I raised an eyebrow and looked at Zack. He was grinning and had his hands in his pockets. I shook my head and looked at the ducks in front of us.

"I thought coming here would give me a fresh start. A good start. After seeing how you got treated today, I'm beginning to wonder if I would have been better off where I was." Zack didn't respond for a while. He just starred at me. After a few minutes i started feeling uncomfortable and shifted next to him returning my gaze back to the birds. After a few more minutes Zack spoke again.

"It will probably be worse." A huge lumped formed in my throat and my breathing quickened, along with my heart beat. My palms began sweating and I shook my head taking in short breaths.

"That's not good. I can't keep taking beatings. My bones are already so weak and my bruises never get enough time to fully heal... I'll probably be dead before I graduate." Again, Zack didn't speak for a while. His silence was not at all comforting. It just reassured me that I was probably right. I let my head hang and squeezed my eyes shut trying to fight back tears. Zack rested his hand on my knee.

"You're right about getting a fresh start. Just hang really low, don't say too much. Saying the wrong thing will give you away." The tears started streaming down my face. He had the same idea as my mom. Hide who I truly was for the sake of my welfare. I shook my head and raised a hand to wipe my tears.

"They'll figure me out. They always do." Zack slid closer to me and put an arm around my shoulder pulling me into a tight hug. I let myself cry in his chest. I felt so overwhelmed. Why can't my life be simple?

It felt like I had cried there for hours. Zack held me the entire time I cried. It was refreshing to be held by someone other than my mother. When my whispering finally began to settle down, I lifted my head from Zack's chest. His face was expressionless. He wiped a fresh tear from my face without a word. I looked into his eyes for the first time. They were a bold brown. Not like other brown eyes you see. His skin was flawless and his hair fell over the side of his face. He was actually really cute. In that moment, I knew I was doomed. It took me two seconds to find Zack attractive. If a guy in school caught me starring at him for more than a second, I'd surely give myself away. Zack smiled and shook his head.

"There's no way you could hide that you're gay. You stare way too hard. You stare at the wrong straight guy and you're done for." I groaned leaning back on the bench and starring at the ducks.

"What's it like for you? On a daily basis." Zack let out a long sigh and lowered his head.

"It's rough. But I've gotten use to it. Daily, I get called names. I'll be minding my business walking in the hall like you saw today and get pushed or have my books knocked out my hands. I use to walk home alone after school, but I stopped that a while ago. There was one week where I got beat up literally everyday on my way home. Now I wait in the library for a few hours after the final bell rings, long enough for the kids to go home and the athletes to finish their practices and head home too. They're the worst, I'm sure you know. I get a lot of work done during that time. Sometimes I draw when I finish my homework too soon. I manage. I just keep reminding myself that I have two more years of hell and then it'll all be over. People in college don't give a fuck about what or who you like. Everyone does their own thing. In high school, the world is made so small. Everyone wants to know everyone's business. It's pathetic, but it's high school."

I starred at Zack as he spoke, taking in the small details of his perfect face. His pale skin was so flawless and his brown eyes gripped mine. I frowned and looked over at the ducks waddling away. I'm not sure if I can take another two years of beatings and torment. I was beginning to reach my limit at my old school. I didn't think I would have to worry about it being tested at my new school. I would join a club to occupy myself after school and save myself from the deadly walk home alone, but who knows what clubs would even accept me with open arms. Why can't life be easy?

Zack got up slinging his book bag over his shoulder. "It's getting late. We should probably start heading home." I hesitated for a moment.

"Umm. I'm not exactly sure how to get home." Zack nodded shaking his head.

"I'll help you find your way."