Whispers At Night.

“Jess?” I immediately whip my body round to find out who the voice belongs to.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” I whisper. He looks straight at me and stutters a response.

“Your mum, s-she phoned me… She t-thought you’d like t-to see m-me. I-I’m sorry. I can g-go, if you l-like…” I roll my eyes.

“Well she was wrong. I don’t need you anymore. You or the guy you’ve dragged along. So yeah, you can leave.” I see everyone’s shocked faces as I turn around and storm out of the room, up the stairs and enter my bedroom, slamming the bedroom door behind me for effect.

I can’t let them see my cry. Especially not him. I can’t let them see how much it’ll hurt me to be around him again. I know he’ll just leave me again, and I can’t have that; I can’t handle that! Why couldn’t someone have just told me? Why couldn’t someone have prepared me for the rush of feelings that’d hit me as soon as I saw his face?

“Why didn’t anybody tell me?!” I scream, pulling my hair with my hands. “Shit.” I mumble in regret as soon as I hear footsteps coming up the stairs.

A voice sounds outside my door as someone knocks on my door lightly, “Jess? A-Are you o-okay?”

Why does it have to be him?

“I’m fine. I told you to leave!” I reply, trying to conceal the sadness in my voice. I don’t really want him to leave, but I can’t bear to see him. Not after all this time, not after all this hurt…

“Oh, okay. I’ll just… I’ll just go and say goodbye to everyone, then me and Josef’ll be gone.” I hear his voice crack towards the end and I feel my heart break just that little bit more. But I don’t move; I can’t move. I leave it a few minutes before I move, once I think he’s gone. I move towards the door and open it, to come face to face with him. “I’m sorry.” He whispers, and I realise that he’s crying. He places a small kiss to my forehead, sighs and walks away. My head and my heart are telling me to do something, to stop him. But the rest of my body isn’t responding and I just stand there.

I stand at the top of stairs and stare down the staircase, watching the few people I love crying and hugging the boy I used to trust with my entire being. Tears begin to spill from my eyes and I see him and Matt share a long hug; I’ve never seen Matt cry, and it’s breaking my heart. I feel the sobs begin to rack from my chest but no-one shares a glance my way. And then it dawns on me for sure - this is all my fault.

~

“Mum…” I mumble, staring at my shoes, “Mum, where’s he gone?” I hear her sigh from her place next to the sink.

“He’s staying at a hotel a few roads away, he’ll be getting the plane home in three days.” I’m still staring at my shoes, guilt running throughout my body, but I can still sense that she’s on the verge of tears.

“I’m really sorry, mum. Can’t you call him? Tell him to come back?” My voice breaks and I choke out one last word before my chest becomes to tight for me breathe properly and the tears flow from my eyes, “Please.” I quickly turn on my heel and run back to the comfort of my bedroom before she has to a chance to say anything to me in response to my questions.

As soon as my body hit’s the bed the tears flow out of my eyes at full speed and the ache in my chest takes over my whole body. “I can’t take this!” I sob to myself, shoving my face into my pillow and crying harder.

I never realised that someone I never had a relationship with could cause me this huge feeling of heartbreak. I can’t seem to forgive him for leaving me, but I don’t have it in me to be mad at him. He was such a big part of my life, and I still want him to be. I don’t know what to do! Now that I’ve asked - or begged - my mum to get him to come back, I guess I’ll have to say sorry to him, or at least talk to him…

“Why is this so hard?” I groan into my pillow and lift my head from it, just to throw it back onto there again in frustration.

I resort to laying in bed, with the lights off and the covers pulled right up over me, but I can’t sleep. I sigh, removing the covers from over me and swinging my legs over the side of my bed. I jump the small height from my bed to the floor and plod over to my stereo, pulling out the Jason Mraz CD and replacing with KT Tunstall. I flick through to Heal Over and put it onto repeat. I turn on the lamp on the shelf next to my bed and take down the picture of me and Ivan. I hold it firmly in my hands and move to sit down on my bed with my legs crossed. I stroke my thumb over his face and a few tears escape my eyes and I wipe them away quickly with the end of the sleeve that I’ve pulled over my hands. I get lost into thoughts and memories of the times when I was happy with Ivan, when some of the lyrics in the song catch my attention.

“Don't hold on but don't let go
I know it's so hard
You've got to try to trust yourself
I know it's so hard, so hard .”

I stop fiddling with the picture and just stare at it. Those four lines have made me realise that I need to put it all behind me. I need to let him in again; I need to trust him again. I need him.