Want Me

Sidney sat on the double bed and took in a deep breath as he glanced around his childhood bedroom allowing his mind to be flooded by memories. It had been quite a long time, ten months to be exact, since he had been in this very place and he had missed it immensely. Sure he had a home of his own in Halifax, but there was nowhere on earth quite like Cole Harbor; nowhere felt more like home than right here. He laid back, his head in the middle of the mattress and his legs hanging over the end of his bed, with a contented smile on his face. He glanced to his nightstand intent on seeking the time, but his eyes didn’t make it past the wooden picture frame. He had made it at camp with he was eleven and it was filled with a picture of himself that very summer along with Jessa. Sidney smiled to himself remembering the day the picture was taken; their first ferry ride together.

”Come on Jess, this is so cool! Lean over and we’ll look for whales!” Sidney exclaimed, half his body sprawled over the metal railing of the ferry deck. Jessa watched her best friend with widened eyes as he leaned further over the back of the boat.

“No.” She told him softly as she lightly shook her head from side to side. There was no way he was going to get her to lean over the damn boat. That railing was meant to keep you on the boat. It was not to be used as a grip to hold onto while you stuck your body half way over it. It was the ocean for god sakes! It didn’t matter that it was late July, the water was freezing and there were sharks in it. Not to mention the razor blade like propeller. If she leaned over the edge to do some whale watching she was sure that her life would be over and Jessa was only eleven years old. She was too young to die.

“C’mon Jessa! If I see something you’re gonna wish you were looking too!” He told her in an effort to persuade her.

“If you see something, then I’ll come look.” She suggested.

“It’ll be too late then!”

“I don’t want to Sidney!” Jessa whined.

“You’re such a baby.” Sidney muttered under his breath.

“I am not a baby!” Jessa shouted, crossing her arms over her chest as she defended herself. She stood there watching Sidney as he studied the deep blue waters the ferry was pushing through and the stark white wake it left behind it. She bit her bottom lip and went up onto her tippy toes, straining to glance at the open sea. Maybe it would be okay, she thought. After all…Sidney was still standing on his own two feet on the wooden deck safe and sound. As if Sidney could hear her thoughts, he turned around and smiled at her.

“I’ll hold your hand if you want.” He reasoned.

“But what if I fall in?” Jessa asked, not quite as scared anymore. She knew that Sidney wouldn’t let go of her hand. Sidney shrugged.

“Then I’ll jump in after you.” He told her as if she should have already known that he would risk his life to save hers.

“Promise?” She asked.

“Always.” He told her. Jessa nodded and stepped forward taking hold of Sidney’s outreached hand. She stepped up to the rails next to her best friend and glanced over the edge. Sidney smiled down at Jessa and held on tight to her smaller hand. That was the day that Sidney’s feelings for Jessa began into something different.

Sidney smiled to himself at the memory. He glanced at the larger picture of himself and Jessa that was positioned behind the wooden frame. This picture was of them last year. Sidney and Jessa went to the Cole Harbour Day fireworks down at Rainbow Haven Beach together every year on July fourteenth. They had started going as a family thing; his and hers together. As they got older they would go with their shared group of friends but after they began spending the years apart, the ceremonial fireworks became something more special for them and they always ventured down there alone. Together, but alone. They always took a picture together and Sidney always replaced last year’s picture in that frame with the newer one. He grasped the frame in his hands and laid back studying it. She was gorgeous. The most beautiful girl he had ever seen; he’d always felt that way and to this day he still did. Her golden hair always glistened in the sunlight. Her pale blue eyes always sparkled, even in the dark. Sidney loved everything about Jessa. The way she threw her head back when she laughed, the way her hand always slipped into his when they were walking along the beach, the way she could make everything better; no matter what had happened. He had missed her so much this past season. Their summer last year had ended too soon. He felt as though he was finally making some progress with her; like they might have been seeing eye to eye after all this time. As much as he loved hockey, his team and the city of Pittsburgh, he hated that it had pulled him away from her. It was the same every summer. He spent the first half of it falling in love with her all over again, and the second half trying to get her to love him back. He knew that Jessa loved him, just not in the same way that he loved her.

“Have you seen her yet?” Sidney glanced at his mother who was standing just inside the doorframe of his bedroom. He sighed, took another look at the picture and placed it back onto his nightstand.

“No.” He told Trina. “Not yet.”

“She got in two days ago.” She told her son. Trina had always known that Sidney was crazy about Jessa. As a child he had always stuck up for her. The only time he had ever gotten in trouble at school was when he was eight. Another boy had hit Jessa knocking her down, scraping her knee. When Sidney saw her crying he went to the other boy and punched him. She and her husband, Troy, had been called into the office expecting that they had the wrong kid. When they got there, Sidney was in with the Principal declaring that he would never apologize for what he had done because ‘boys aren’t supposed to hit girls.’ He later told his parents that he had hit the boy because he wanted him to know what Jessa felt like; having someone stronger than her hurt her. Trina smiled as she remembered this. How was she supposed to discipline her son when she didn’t think that he had done anything wrong? Sure he shouldn’t have hit the kid, but his heart was in the right place.

The two of them had always had a tight bond, and she saw it diminish when Sidney left for Minnesota. She had brushed it off, but every year that her son came back for the summer Trina had seen the way that he looked at Jessa. She knew without him having to tell her that he was in love. She just hoped that he wouldn’t take the news too hard.
__________

That evening Sidney found himself standing on the front porch of the house he had come to know as his second home. He raised his hand and knocked on the door. He then noticed how much the appearance of the house had changed over the years. The white paint on the door was chipping. The iron handrail up the stairs was rusted. The shutters on the windows looked like they had been to hell and back. The house was old and it looked weathered. Sidney stood there amazed. This couldn’t have happened in one year, why hadn’t he noticed before?

The door opened, bringing Sidney out of the trance he was in. He whirled around to see Jessa, beautiful Jessa, standing in the doorway. His heart leapt in his chest as he set his eyes on her after all this time. She tucked her hair behind her ears as she stared at him with obvious shock written all over her face. “Hey you.” He said with a smile.

“Sidney!” She exclaimed, but then quickly glanced back into the house. “What…what are you doing here?” She questioned quietly as she closed the door tightly behind her.

“What do you mean what am I doing here?! I came to see you!” He informed her. “Why else would I be here?” Jessa simply shrugged at his question. He had never had this kind of reaction from her after a year of being apart. He didn’t quite know what to make of it. Jessa’s heart was beating rapidly in her chest. She hadn’t thought too much about what she was going to tell Sidney. It shouldn’t have been such a big deal. They had always just been friends, but her friendship with him had been drastically different than other friendships. She knew that this was going to be hard for him to deal with, and a large part of her wished that she never had to tell him.

“I missed you.” He told her. Jessa couldn’t have fought the smile those three words put on her lips if she’d tried. She hurried across the porch to him and went up onto her toes as she wrapped her arms around his neck. This was the reaction he was expecting her to have. Sidney’s arms wound tightly around Jessa’s waist as he held her against him. The truth of it was that they had both missed this.

“I missed you so much, Sid.” She told him honestly. The two of them stood there embracing each other like this allowing familiarity to wash over them. They didn’t separate until a deep voice spoke from the doorway.

“Sid.” The man greeted. As Jessa’s heart dropped, a smile spread across Sidney’s face again as he approached the man.

“Matt! I haven’t seen you in years, man! How’s it going?” He questioned as the two shook hands. Matt and Sidney had played bantam triple ‘a’ hockey together right here in Cole Harbour as adolescents and became good friends. Matt, however, had been living in London, Ontario for the past two years and hadn’t been to Cole Harbour the last few times Sidney had been there. Watching the two men reconnect was excruciating for Jessa. She didn’t want him to find out like this. She wanted to be the one to tell him…alone. When Matt wrapped his arm around Jessa’s waist and pulled her close to him she knew that he was doing it purely for territorial purposes. He wanted Sidney to know that she was now off limits to him. When Matt’s hand snaked around Jessa’s waist if took everything in Sidney not to lose it. He wanted so badly to push Matt’s filthy hands from her but he couldn’t. He was stunned. He stood there in complete shock.

“So, did you hear?” Matt asked Sidney with a massive grin on his face as he beamed down at Jessa.

“Matt.” Jessa warned, but he kept on talking. He wanted to be the one to tell the incredible and perfect Sidney Crosby that he had gotten the girl. Sidney may be a hockey hero to the entire nation, but he knew that this was going to hurt and he wanted to be the one to tell him. He didn’t care that Jessa had asked him to let her do it. Seeing them on the porch so wrapped up in each other was the final straw.

“We’re getting married!” Matt informed him. As Sidney heard those words, he had to remind himself to breathe. His heart stopped beating momentarily and his mouth was suddenly so dry. He glanced at Matt’s smug face, then to the horrified look on Jessa’s. He saw the way Matt was clinging to her and as Jessa raised her hand to push Matt away from her the sparkle of a ring on a very important finger caught his eye.

“Congratulations.” Sidney muttered as he turned and hurried away from the house. He needed to leave.

“Thanks man!” Matt shouted after him. Jessa gave Matt a shove.

“What the hell was that?!” She yelled. She had never been so upset with Matt in her entire life, hell, she didn’t think she had ever been so upset with anyone in her entire life.

“Jess, he was going to find out anyway. What’s the big deal?!” Matt asked, pretending to be all innocent when he absolutely knew the shit this was going to stir up.

“You’d better not be here when I get back.” Jessa demanded as she began down the steps of the front porch.

“Jessa!”

“Shut up, Matt. I think you’ve said enough for tonight.” Jessa, still barefoot, raced down her street after Sidney. When he was in eyesight she called out to him. “Sid!” She shouted, but he didn’t turn around. “SIDNEY!” She called, louder this time. “Sidney, please!” Sidney stopped in his tracks, head down before turning to face Jessa. When Jessa got close enough she could see the pain in his eyes and it broke her heart.

“Yah?” He asked, not quite sure of what people say in times like these.

“I’m sorry.” She told him truthfully.

“Sorry for what?!” Sidney questioned. He knew what he was sorry for. He was sorry that he had neglected their friendship all the seasons that he was away; he so badly wished he could do it all over. He was sorry that he had chickened out last year on the beach during the fireworks when he had wanted to kiss her; maybe it would have changed something. He was sorry that he had never once told her how he felt about her; maybe she would be his right now if he had. But most of all he was sorry that he had ever introduced her to Matt.

“I didn’t want you to find out like that.” She told him sincerely. “I wanted to tell you.”

“That’s okay. No big deal.”

“No!” She protested. “It is a big deal. He shouldn’t have done that back there.”

“It’s understandable. He’s marrying an amazing woman. He’s excited. I would want to tell everyone too.”

“Sid..”

“It’s okay, Jessa. I’ve got to go.” He stated as he turned around. He needed to be alone.

“What do you mean?! You just got here. I haven’t even seen you yet.”

“Yah, but…I just remembered something I have to do.” He lied.

“Now?!” She questioned looking at her watch. What could he possibly have to do at eleven forty five at night?

“Yah. I’ll call you.” He told her quickly before heading out of sight. Jessa stood there for a moment hoping that he would come back, but he didn’t. She turned and made her way back to her house. She felt terrible. She knew that this was going to be huge news for Sidney. She just didn’t expect him to look so crushed when he found out.
__________

“SIDNEY!” Jessa called out for the millionth time as she banged on the front door of his house. She knew that Troy, Trina and Taylor weren’t home, but she also knew that Sidney was in fact home. “Sidney please open the door. I want to talk to you!”

Jessa sighed as she stepped back from the door, allowing the screen to slam closed. She sat on the bench that was just outside of the door and put her head into her hands. She didn’t know how to fix this. It ate away at her that Sidney was ignoring her. She had called, texted him and stopped by but he didn’t return her calls or texts and he was always conveniently sleeping. There was no way he had been sleeping for twelve days.

Since the night he arrived in Cole Harbour Jessa had been feeling extremely guilty and he was doing nothing to help her out. Every day she woke up hoping that today would be the day that he would call her back and they could get their friendship back on track. She loved their summers. Once a month Sidney would manage to make time for a phone call, but Jessa spent the year watching him on TV and she was so proud of him. Watching him lose in the second round of the playoffs had broken her heart. She knew that he took losses to heart and she knew that one would stick with him. She wanted to be there for him. She wanted to tell him that she had been watching and that she thought he had done an amazing job. Even more than that, she wanted to hear about the Olympics. He had told her briefly about it, but he had gotten so busy that there just never ended up being time. There was so much that they needed to talk about and get caught up on. She didn’t want their summer to be like this.

Jessa got back to her house and kicked her shoes off. Her mother was at work so she had some time to be by herself and try to sort through this mess. She grabbed a bottle of water and made her way into the living room only to find her fiancé sitting on the sofa across from the big front window. “Where were you?” He questioned, already knowing where Jessa had been.

“I need to fix this.” She told him. “If you had just kept your damn mouth shut I could have broken it to him gently.”

“Gently?! Jesus Christ, Jess! He’s a friend of yours. A friend of yours that you never fucking see! Why the hell do you need to break the news of our engagement to him gently?! He’s your friend. Shouldn’t he be happy for you?” Matt questioned, and he would have been right had their friendship been normal.

“I just wish you had let me tell him, Matt. That’s all.”

“What? Are his feelings hurt?!” Matt mocked. “Tell him to grow up.”

Sidney, who had watched Jessa leave his house as she gave up trying to get his attention, quickly realized what an idiot he was being and followed after her. It was a short two minute walk up the street from Sidney’s to Jessa’s and when he got there he heard arguing. Sidney quietly let himself in.

“What do you want me to do, Matt?! He..”

“I want you to forget about him! Why the hell is it so important that you make sure he’s okay with this?! When we got together you didn’t tell him. When we moved in together, you didn’t tell him. When I proposed to you seven months ago, you didn’t tell him! Jesus Jess! We’ve been together for a year and a half and he had no fucking idea until now.”

“I couldn’t tell him.” She stated quietly. She knew if she had told him back then it wouldn’t have resulted in this, but if she had told him back then he would have changed. Those once in a while phone calls would have stopped coming. The letters would have been no more, and their summers would have been drastically different. Jessa didn’t want to let go of him. She didn’t think that she could do it. As much as she was in love with Matt, she didn’t want to lose what she and Sidney had; whatever that may be.

“You couldn’t tell him?! Why not, Jess?” She had wanted to tell Sidney about her relationship with Matt. Not only because she was in a serious relationship, but because the guy she was with was a friend of Sidney’s and she knew that it was the right thing to do. She just never built up the courage to tell him because she loved the way he looked at her. She knew that Sidney had feelings for her and a part of her had developed feelings for him as well. She didn’t want to be the girl that broke his heart. They had made a pact when they were fifteen; just before Sidney left for Minnesota. If they were both still single by the time they were thirty then they were going to marry each other. Sidney had wanted to wait until they were forty, but Jessa wanted to have lots of babies and she figured that thirty would be more practical than forty. Sidney compromised and went along with thirty. Whenever Jessa would ask him if he met any girls out there in Pittsburgh he would joke around saying that he didn’t see the point when he was already promised to someone else. Jessa always laughed, but she loved it when he said that to her. She had grown to love Sidney and she knew that if he led a normal life then they would be together right now. “Jessa!” Matt exclaimed. “Why couldn’t you tell him?”

“Because, Matt! I didn’t want to hurt him!”

“Why? Because he’s got a crush on you? He needs to grow up, Jess. And maybe you do too. The two of you always come back here saying that you miss home, but you come back here so that you can spend time together.” Jessa glared at Matt. “What?! Are you going to try to tell me I’m wrong? I’m not fucking wrong, Jessa. I’m not wrong and I’m sure as hell not stupid. I know what’s going on here! He’s got some kind of hold on you and I am fucking sick of it! I’m sick of playing second to him.”

“Matt, I love you! You don’t play second to anyone! I’m living with you, I’ve got your ring on my finger, I’m..”

“Yah. You’re living with me, but all year you’re watching him on TV. You’re wearing my ring but come June you can’t wait to get back here.” Sidney quietly left Jessa’s house. He felt awkward listening in on their argument, but he couldn’t make himself leave. He was shocked by so many things that he had heard in there. Jessa and Matt had been together for a year and a half? How had he not known this?! She was with Matt last summer when he and her were down here together. Sidney pushed that out of his mind remembering how insecure Matt had sounded in there. Was it true that Jessa had some sort of hidden feelings for him? From the sounds of it Matt certainly seemed to think so. For the first time since he found out that Jessa was engaged, Sidney felt like he had reason to be happy. This wasn’t over. If there was any chance that Jessa wanted to be with him then he was going to make it happen.
__________

As Sidney walked along the beach, he hoped that Jessa would be there. After hearing her fight with Matt yesterday he hadn’t been able to get a hold of her, but it was Cole Harbour Day. He wouldn’t miss this for the world, and he hoped that Jessa would be waiting for him. He made his way along the crescent shaped beach until he got to the sandy hills. He climbed over them and was thrilled, to say the least, at what he saw. Jessa was sitting on the old dock with her back to this hills that Sidney was on as she watched the shades of pink and red the setting sun was creating in the sky. Sidney made his way over to her and sat next to her, staring upwards with her. Jessa glanced at him and then he allowed his eyes to meet hers. “Don’t do it.” He told her, and she knew exactly what it was.

“Sidney, I..”

“Don’t do it!” He stated more firmly this time.

“I love him.” She told him simply.

“Do you?” Sidney asked; not quite sure if he believed it.

“I do.” She replied.

“But Jessa, I love you!” Tears filled Jessa’s eyes as she heard Sidney’s confession. She got to her feet and began walking from where they were sitting on the old abandoned dock. “Jess!” Sidney called as he grasped her elbow and turned her to face him. “I love you.” He told her again.

“Why would you tell me this now?!” She shrieked. “When I’m going to be getting married!”

“I’ve been wanting to tell you for a long time.” He confessed nervously. He didn’t really plan out how he was going to do this, but obviously he had never been good at getting his feelings across. He had been in love with this girl for years and he had never once told her.

“You left me!” She shouted, now crying uncontrollably. “You left me, Sidney. You left me and treated me like I was just someone you knew come summer time. Now you want to say you love me?! You don’t love me. You just love having me here every summer. Now that I’m not going to be you’re panicking.”

“That is not true!” Sidney shouted back at her. “Yes I love our summers together. When they’re over I can’t wait for the next to start. I wish they never had to end, but Jess…I’ve got so many responsibilities. I have so many people pulling on me that it’s tiring. I try to keep in touch with you, really, I do! It’s just..”

“It doesn’t take much time to call me up and say ‘Hey Jess! Just wanted to let you know that I miss you.’”

“Jessa, I..”

“Do you know how alone I was when you left?!”

“I do.” Sidney told her. “I know, and I’m sorry but I’m trying to fix this, Jess.”

“Well…it’s too late to fix anything.” She told him as she turned yet again to leave the dock.

“He’s no good for you, Jessa.”

“How dare you?!” She screamed, furious. “You have no idea what kind of guy Matt is for me.”

“No, you’re right. I don’t. All I know is that I would be so much better for you.”

“What do you want from me?!” She shouted out of frustration.

“I want you to want me.”

“Sidney..”

“Shut up.” He demanded, grabbing a hold of her and pushing his lips to hers. Jessa was immediately lost in the kiss. Her arms wound around his neck as his made their way to her hips. Jessa had often wondered what it would be like to kiss Sidney, but never in a million years did she think that it would be so amazing. She never thought that it would feel so right. She never expected that it would give her butterflies. As Jessa heard the loud cracks of fireworks going off overhead, she broke away to look up at them. Sidney, completely entranced by Jessa, reached out for her and pulled her to him. With his head rested on hers as he watched the rainbow coloured fireworks going off for what felt like forever Sidney felt content. He kissed the top of Jessa’s head. “I love you, Jessa.” He told her once more. Jessa looked up at Sidney.

“You know I love you too, Sid.” She confessed, not only to him, but to herself as well. Sidney, finally knowing that he had gotten it right, picked her up off the ground and spun her around happily. He felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. He could finally breathe. He had finally gotten it right.