Falling From Grace

With shaking hands I clutch the cross that was hanging on the rearview mirror of my car. I have sinned.

You deserve this.

I fumble with my keys, trying to find the one I need. I have sinned.

You’re filthy.

Tears are flowing feely by the time I have the correct key in the ignition and I start my broken journey back to my apartment. I have sinned.

You brought this upon yourself.

My blurry vision makes it increasingly difficult to stay between the lines; I’m just thankful that no one else is on the road tonight. I have sinned.

You used to be such a good little boy.

I increase the speed with my right foot, trying to get away as fast as I can. I have sinned

You’ve changed into a monster.

His words are still haunting me, and each line I remember still holds the same impact. I have sinned.

I’ve seen the way you look at them.

I’m chocking on my own thoughts now; I can’t make heads or tails of the road until I come to a familiar intersection. I have sinned.

I know all of your thoughts.

I know where I’m going and it won’t be but a few minutes until I reach home. I have sinned.

You can’t hide from the Lord.

My teeth fill the empty silence with their chattering; it’s freezing in this car without the Lord’s warmth. I have sinned.

The truth is that you want them.

The parking lot is just up ahead, I feel so close to righting my wrongs. I have sinned

You want to sin with them.

Parking my vehicle proves to be a difficult task when you have a heavy heart. I have sinned.

You want to touch them in the most unholy of ways.

The car is stationary and I can’t seem to leave it quick enough without getting caught in my seatbelt or fumbling when I reach for the door handle. I have sinned.

You don’t deserve God’s love.

My emotions feel so raw, my actions slurred. I have sinned.

You don’t deserve to be forgiven for your thoughts.

I take the stairs to my room because human contact would be too much right now. I have sinned.

They’re so impure, so unholy.

Rushing upwards with no more hesitation. I have sinned.

They are the thoughts of a sinner.

I’m sure of my actions now. I have sinned.

No one can ever love a sinner.

I must atone for the things I have done, for the things I have thought. I have sinned.

No one can ever love you.

My room is insight and I once again start to fumble with my keys but I easily find the right one and insert it into the deadbolt. I have sinned.

You’re worthless.

I need to move my feet quicker. I have sinned.

God will never love you.

It’s as if I have an imaginary dead line I have to meet. I have sinned.

He will never accept you into his kingdom.

I run into my tiny office and retrieve a piece of good parchment paper and a pen. I have sinned.

The guilty deserve to be punished.

I neatly scrawl one message onto the beautiful paper and set it down within plain sight. I have sinned.

And a punishment you shall get.

I did deserve everything he had given me. I have sinned.

Is this what you thought would make you happy?

He touched me that way to show me how wrong it was. I have sinned.

Is this what you gave up God for?

How wrong I was. I have sinned.

It’s my fault for thinking of another man in a way which is only meant for a woman. I have sinned.

You have strayed from the path.

It’s why I cannot live anymore. I have sinned.

You lie with the Devil now.

Suicide is a sin but I belong with the Devil anyway. I have sinned.

He will do more to you than I could ever do.

This is the ultimate sacrifice I can make and the only way to stop the thoughts that have plagued my mind. I have sinned.

I can only hope that the Lord shows you no mercy.

I take off my stained jacket and my old shoes because they are unnecessary now. I have sinned.

You don’t deserve mercy.

I can still feel him on me, sodomizing me, taunting me, revealing my sins to others. I have sinned.

You never have.

Dirty hands for a dirtier boy. I have sinned.

Your parents will be so ashamed.

I’m still fidgety even though I know I won’t back down now. I have sinned.

They don’t deserve a son like you.

I get out of my apartment and start my incline up the dim stairs one last time. I have sinned.

They didn’t raise a sinner.

My shaking has vanished and has been replaced by an eerie calm. I have sinned.

They would’ve given you up if they had none you would turn out so disgustingly.

This is what I have to do. I have sinned.

You’re every parent’s worst nightmare.

I can’t keep living knowing I’ll keep ruining my parents. I have sinned.

Why can’t you be more like your brother?

It’s quiet on the rooftop; it feels as if there isn’t another soul around for miles. I have sinned.

He would never commit sin as great as yours.

Slowly I walk over stone edge, ignoring the signs that are telling me to keep away. I have sinned.

He can control himself.

Peering over the edge I couldn’t help but think of a shameful comparison. I have sinned.

He is heaven bound.

It felt as if I was an angel who was falling from grace for their sins. I have sinned.

He is worthy of the Lord’s love.

But I was no angel. I have sinned.

He has a bright future ahead of him.

I had been my parent’s perfect child before I hit puberty. I have sinned.

He will be everything you can’t.

Now all I am a monster; an angel fallen from grace. I have sinned.

Everything you never had the chance to become.

One foot at a time I perch myself over the risen edge. I have sinned.

He is untainted, he is pure.

So close to judgment I can almost taste it. I have sinned.

You are nothing in Christ’s eyes.

Then with one final breath I become a fallen angel. I have sinned.

You’re filthy.

And on my way into the next phase of my life all I can think about are the words left on that parchment paper.

And you have sinned.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.