Just Another Reason I Could Never Forget You

School was awkward on Monday. I sat with the guys at lunch, though I avoided any contact whatsoever with Zack. This meant sitting in between Jack and Alex, both of whom kept giving me weird looks. They knew something was bothering me, but didn't know what. I felt like a robot going through the motions because I was laughing and smiling at all of the jokes despite not hearing them. My eyes traveled around the table, watching all of my friends enjoy themselves.

"Jerri? Hey Jerri. Are you okay?"

Startled, I turned to look at Amanda. She was staring at me with a look of curiosity and I gave her a small smile. "Yeah, I'm fine. I've just got a lot on my mind."

"Oh, well, y'know I'm here if you ever need to talk. What are mates for?"

"Yeah, thanks."

"Jerri? Are you coming to our practice tonight?" Zack's voice. I pretended to have not heard him.

"Yeah. Jerri-Berri? Are you gonna come to our practice tonight? Please?"

"Of course, Jack. I wouldn't miss it for the world."

<->

I stood in front of Alex's house and waited for him to come outside. He had picked me up from my house a few minutes earlier and we were on our way to Rian's when he realized he'd left the new song at his house. So I sat down on the trunk of the car and waited quietly. Alex came running our of the house a few minutes later, papers rustling in his hand.

"Sorry I took so long. Jack called and asked me to grab some snacks," he said as he turned to show me a knapsack. It was a dark, so it practically blended in with his hoodie. I wouldn't have noticed it if he hadn't said anything.

"Of course. I guess Rian's mom hasn't gone shopping yet then."

"Apparently not. But who cares? Aside from Jack. How are you and Zack getting along? How did the date go Saturday?"

"Jeez, Alex. You're worse than a girl. It was not a date."

"Uh-huh. That's why you were trying so hard to ignore him at lunch?"

"I wasn't trying to ignore him, Lexie."

"Whatever you say, Jerri. And don't call me Lexie."

"Why not? It's a cute nickname. Please?"

Alex looked at my puppy dog face and laughed before opening the car door for me. "I suppose. Just not when the others are around. I'd never live that nickname down."

"Yay!"

The moment I walked into Rian's basement Jack and Amanda both tackled me, leaving all of us sprawled on the floor laughing.

"You have to tell us how it was!" Amanda exclaimed.

"Yeah! How was your date with Zackykins?"

I looked at the pair and shook my head. I was about to reply when I heard someone clear their throat."My name isn't Zackykins."

He looked like he wanted to run from the room without ever turning back. Hazel eyes stared at me like a shining beacon. In their depths I could see the anxiety that had been eating away at him all day. There was also a hint of jealousy there, but what was he jealous of? Or rather, who? When he realized that I was studying him, Zack turned away.

"According to Jerri, it wasn't a date," Alex threw in.

Everyone in the room looked at me like I was crazy. Everyone except Zack. He acted like he hadn't heard Alex. Alex shrugged his shoulders when I glared at him. All of the joy had faded and been replaced with remorse. Zack had crossed a line last night and opened himself up to me. Here I was repaying him by telling everyone it had been bad. You haven't told them anything yet. Tell them the truth.

"Alex is right, I did deny the fact that it was a date. I had a great time with you the other night Zack, but I don't consider that a date. To me, that was just hanging out with a friend in hopes of getting to know you better."

It was quiet for a while. A quiet filled by the sound of Rian's parents moving around upstairs. A quiet filled by the surprised stares of everyone in the room. Everyone but Zack. He picked up his bass and began plucking random notes before looking up and giving me a small smile.The pain in his eyes was still there and it had an almost sold weight to it. I felt like I could reach out and grab the pain from his eyes to hold it.

Turning away from him, I sat down on the nearest couch and curled up into a ball. The other guys all up picked up their own instruments and began tuning them. Amanda came to sit beside me, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. "Hey love. It's okay, you don't have to be upset. At least you told the truth instead of trying to lie to him. I'm sure he'll be over it in a few days."

"Maybe. I still feel bad knowing I hurt his feelings."

"I know, love. I know."

From that point on practice was awkward. The guys were playing harder than ever before but they kept messing up. Zack was having issues focusing because he kept looking at me. Jack and Rian kept giving each other worried looks which made them mess up. Alex kept messing up the lyrics. Today was a bad day for them to try a new song. Amanda and I decided to go upstairs for a bit, just so the guys had a chance for some decent practice.

"So what exactly happened between you two last the other night?"

"I.. it's a bit complicated. I wasn't lying when I said I had fun. We ate dinner with parents before going to his room and watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off. The little bastard snuck my bathing suit into my bag when I wasn't looking, so he conned me into going swimming, We were just chilling in his pool and he started asking if I trusted him. And well... he kissed me. I didn't know what to do, so I kinda ruined it by saying I needed to go home. I like him, but I feel like I can't completely trust him."

Amanda looked at me and grinned devilishly. She was obviously very happy about my story, though why she would be happy is beyond me.

"Finally! You have no idea how hard it was for us to be around the two of you. There was so much bloody tension between you both."

"Yeah, well, don't expect anything special to come from him kissing me. I'm not ready to date someone, especially not someone like Zack."

Watching Amanda's face made me realized that I'd messed up. She went from looking excited, to looking angry, to finally settling on being upset."Fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm sorry Amanda. Please don't be upset. I just don't like everyone hinting at me and Zack dating. I just can't see anything major happening between the two of us."

"It's okay. I mean, yeah, I definitely don't like being snapped at. But I'm not gonna let something so trivial mess up our friendship. You're one of my best mates."

"Thank god. Hey, do you wanna go shopping on-" I stopped mid-sentence because my phone went off in my pocket. 1 New Message

Nichole : I hate having to tell you this through a text, but it's the fastest way I have now. Belle....died this morning. She got caught in the crossfire after a robbery.

It didn't hit me at first, so I read over the text multiple times. Belle was dead. Belle, who had been one of my best friends since middle school, was dead. The burning feeling in the back of my throat kept rising until I could feel the pressure building up behind my eyes. Just when I thought that life was going to be easy. Amanda was saying something, but I didn't know what. There was a loud roaring in my ears that made it hard to hear anything at all. My vision began to blur as the tears began to slide down my face. A small part of me thought about how my makeup must be smearing, but the rest of me didn't care. My hearing began to return to me and I heard Amanda calling for the guys to come upstairs.

They all crowded around me in an attempt to find out what was wrong. I heard a lot of "What's wrong?" and "Jerri, talk to me." I looked at all of them and shook my head. I was incapable of speaking between the tears and the lack of knowing what to say. The whole group watched me as I walked back downstairs. I sat down on the couch and looked at all of their equipment. At least they took the time to put it up.

After about ten minutes, there was the soft patter of someone trying to sneak downstairs and I turned to see Zack standing at the bottom of the stairs. I turned away again and hid my face in the couch. I didn't want to talk to him right now. He was the last person I wanted to talk to.

"Jerri?"

He just stood there waiting for a reply. He was back to being gentlemanly Zack. Of course. He was horny Zack when we were alone, but if there were people nearby he had two mindsets: prankster and gentleman.

"Jerri? Can I come over there?"

I didn't look at him, nor did I say anything. I just shrugged my shoulders and turned my face to the side so I could breathe in some fresh air. He began the short walk from the stairs to the couch. There was silence as he paused beside the couch. I didn't look at him. He took my silence as acceptance of his presence so he crouched down beside me. I felt his hand touch my shoulder and jumped. He froze for a moment before slowly running his hand across my back. My body tensed as he pulled me towards him, but after a minute of sitting there in his arms, I felt safe.

"Jerri? What's wrong? Is it something I did or something I said?"

I shook my head and wiped my face off on the sleeve of my hoodie. That's what they were made for right? He seemed to be thinking of another question. They wouldn't leave me alone unless I told them what was wrong. But this felt like a secret that only I was supposed to know about. I've always been good at keeping secrets, but I knew that this one would drag me down if I didn't tell somebody. I could already feel the depression like a dark cloud hovering at the edge of my mind. It was ready to attack and if it did, well, I'd be a goner.

That was another thing I'd earned during my hereditary research. A lot of people in my family have committed suicide. That tendency is like a seed, and it has been spread throughout a lot of the people in my family. Especially on my mom's side. I didn't want to have to constantly fight the urge to kill myself.

So it was back to Saturday night's topic. Did I really trust Zack? The answer right now was a maybe. But none of the others seemed to be riding to the rescue, so it looked like he was all I had.

Still feeling like I couldn't talk, I pulled my phone out of the hoodie pocket and handed it to him. I hadn't exited out of the text yet, so it was still staring at me from the screen of my phone. I watched Zack as he read the text. And then reread it. He sat down beside me on the couch and pulled me to him again. I let it happen immediately this time.

"It's okay to cry, Jerri. She was your friend. It's okay to cry for her."

I nodded and laid my against his shoulder as the tears started flowing again. They were like... like a vampire. Once I let them start, they kept coming back.

"Yo guys, what's going- whoa!"

I jumped as Alex walked down the stairs and spotted us together on the couch. He looked confused for a moment and then cleared his throat.

"Jerri.. are you okay?"

"No. Her friend just died."

"Oh.. well, fuck. Were you close to her?"

Was I close to her? What kind of fucking question was that? Why would Alex even think of asking something so stupid. The kid had brains because if he didn't, he wouldn't have been such a musical genius. It takes skill to think of lyrics as awesome as All Time Low's.

"No, I'm just crying this much over an acquaintance," I hissed. Alex looked shocked at the amount of venom in my voice. But like any good friend, he shook it off.

"I deserved that. It was a stupid question."

I nodded and closed my eyes. This was all a bit too much for me to handle in one month. First, my dad almost died in a car crash on his way to work. And now Belle. Dear, sweet Belle. Shot dead. It was not something I wanted to picture, so I opened my eyes again and looked down at my hands.

"Well, do you need anything?" Alex asked quietly. I started to shake my head, then stopped myself. Actually, I did need something. I needed to around people. I needed comfort from my friends.

"I... I want all of you to come back down here and keep practicing. I'll be fine... I just need some time for it all to set in," I said.

"Are you sure?" Zack asked from beside me.

"Mhm. You guys need the practice. Don't let my problems interfere."

"Jerri... your problems are our problems. We're here for you... alright?"

Looking up into Zack's hazel eyes, I nodded. He was being completely sincere and so nice. I didn't deserve it after how mean I had been earlier. I had completely neglected how he had to have been feeling and had only thought about myself. Yet here he was, comforting me. It was then that I realized I did trust Zack completely. He looked over my head at Alex and nodded. I heard Alex go back upstairs, probably to get the others.

"Thank you, Zack. You're... too nice to me. I really don't deserve your kindness," I mumbled.

"Nonsense. You're one of the most deserving people I know."

Alex and the others came back downstairs at that point and Zack stood up. I watched him go grab his bass as Amanda sat down beside me, taking his place.

The rest of the night consisted of the band "practicing" and Amanda comforting me. They weren't really practicing anymore though. They were all watching me with worried looks on their faces as if they thought I might go off like a time bomb or something.