Remember When

“Alaska, if this is your way of acting more mature, you’re doing a great job. Really,” he called to me, the locked bathroom door the only thing separating us. His sarcasm still rang out though, and I knew he was pissed still.

“Serves him right,” I mumbled to myself as I sat down on the lip of the bathtub. My bathroom was rather tiny, but I made it work. My whole apartment was tiny, really, but for a girl like me it worked just fine. “I never said I had to be mature all the time, John. Fuck off!” I yelled back, irritated beyond belief.

After five minutes of silence, John spoke again. “Fine, be pissed off. We won’t talk and we won’t fix this and everything will be great,” he said to me, angry. He didn’t get to be angry. It was his fault we were in this situation anyways.

I heard his footsteps walk down the hallway which would lead him to my living room, where he most likely was either sitting on the couch or leaving altogether. I didn’t care. I was still mad.

This was our normal routine, unfortunately. We would get into a fight and I, being the mature adult that I was, would stomp off. Usually, I ended up in my room. But after our fight a few weeks ago, where I slammed my bedroom door so hard that I broke it, my last resort was the bathroom if I didn’t want John walking in. So, here I was, sitting in my bathtub while droplets of water seeped through my t-shirt and shorts because I had recently been in said bathtub.

We weren’t normal. We never had been, though. We fought a lot, and we disagreed on stupid things, and sometimes we insulted each other so much that people mistook our relationship for a sibling rivalry, which was absolutely absurd. But, I would be the first to admit we were completely fucked up beyond belief.

I liked to blame him, really. If John didn’t do half the shit he did, then I wouldn’t get angry all the time and we wouldn’t fight. Sure, I could be stubborn but he could be just as stupid. It was his fault.

But it wasn’t. Not this time.

I shuddered just thinking about it, although that could have been a result of the water seeping through my shirt combined with the air conditioner located next to my tub, on full blast.

I didn’t usually let it happen. I usually had some self control. But this time, he pissed me off beyond believe. This time, I was so angry that it physically hurt.

I laid my head back against the wall of the tub, closing my eyes as I let the scenes unfold in my head. At first, everything flashed by so fast I could hardly think. Soon enough though, everything was clear. It was as if my brown eyes were seeing it happen right then and there as I sat in the bathtub.

”To being up for twenty-four hours straight!” Jared exclaimed, lifting his drink in the air.

I wasn’t sure what they were celebrating for. Tomorrow at this time, they would just be starting their journey of staying up for twenty-four hours straight. I also don’t know why they thought a party tonight would be a good idea. That was something John and I had argued about, about ten minutes after he told me of the plans for the evening.

I was still angry because he thought I was just being a bitch. I wasn’t, I just thought they were being stupid. As I stood by the keg they had gotten with my red cup in hand, a pout fixated on my lips, I realized I was being a little bit of a bitch. But I was also being the realistic girlfriend. I hadn’t seen my boyfriend for over a week, and now that he was home for a day he wanted to spend it with the same fucking people he had been with for said week.

He had fucked up logic if you asked me, and I let him know it just as I did every other time I had ever thought his logic was fucked.

This time it felt different though. There was more of a harsh tone to his words when we argued, which was unusual for us. Sure, we fought like cats and dogs, but we always made up at the end of the day, or one of us cracked a smile during the fight or let out a little laugh. This time, there was no smile, no laugh, and definitely no making up. Not yet anyways.

“Hey,” came a voice from beside me unexpectedly. It made me jump, but when I looked over and noticed it was just John, I nodded my hello.

“You’re still pissed,” he stated more than asked. He knew I was still mad.

I nodded, taking a sip of my drink. There was no sense in ignoring it. We had known each other for too long now to just ignore shit like this. We didn’t do that. We never had and we never would, so we weren’t starting now. I set my empty cup down on the keg and gathered my brown hair into a low ponytail. Even though I was in my jean shorts and a navy blue tank top, I was still hot. The Arizona heat was getting to me and it was nighttime. I must have been going crazy.

“Look Alaska, you’re mad? Fine. But you shouldn’t be. You have no reason to be mad at me for wanting to spend a night with all of my friends instead of just you. Right?”

I rolled my eyes and scoffed. “Wrong, John. You’re with these idiots for the next how many weeks? This is the whole tour right here in Garret’s backyard.” I turned to him and looked him dead in the eyes while I crossed my arms over my chest. “I understand you touring, and I understand you wanting to be with friends. I understand your whole stupid lifestyle and I always have, but I will never fucking understand how when you have a single day at home that you would rather spend it with your stupid tour friends instead of your girlfriend!” I yelled
at him.

Luckily, the music blasting around us was too loud and so my yelling hadn’t caught anyone’s attention. Although, if it had, I don’t think it would have mattered. Everyone, and I mean everyone was used to John and I by now.

He nodded from his spot in front of me as he looked off to the side at his friends, joking and laughing and having a good time. He took a drink of his beer and when he brought it away from his lips he looked at me again. “Maybe you shouldn’t be my girlfriend anymore,” he suggested calmly. Even though his voice was calm, the bite was still there. I felt like I had been slapped in the face.

“Ma-maybe I shouldn’t,” I stuttered, still shocked that this was happening. John and I fought, but we never broke up. We may have argued and bickered and drove each other nuts, but we still loved each other. Or at least I thought we did.

He gave me a brief nod and then walked away, his drink still in hand, as if nothing had happened. As if he hadn’t just ended a relationship three years in the making. What did I do? I just watched him walk away, as if I couldn’t have cared less that he had just ended a relationship three years in the making.

Unable to comprehend what had just happened, I turned around and picked up my cup off of the keg again and filled it. If John didn’t want to be with me then I was going to find someone tonight who did.

I shuddered again thinking about the previous night three days ago.

I had been so stupid and selfish. Even if John had broken up with me, I had still been the idiot in the situation. Realizing this, I groaned. Now I was going to have to go talk to John. “Dammit,” I muttered under my breath as I climbed out of the tub.

I walked out into the living room where John was, as I though, sitting on the couch watching TV. He didn’t even look at me when I walked in. “Hi,” I mumbled quietly as I sat down next to him.

“Are you ready to be an adult about this, or are you still in three-year-old-mode?” He asked seriously, his eyes never leaving the TV set.

I muttered a quiet fuck you and leaned back into the couch. I tucked my legs under my body and turned my body to face him, resting one arm over the back of the couch while my other dangled limply at my side. “There’s not much to talk about, John.”

Finally he faced me. His gaze was cold and he looked mad, upset, and hurt all at the same time. “Not much to talk about? What about you making out with one of my friends? Or maybe the fact that we fucking broke up?”

I shrugged. “Well see, you broke up with me, which I still will never understand. So why don’t we start there, asshole?” I could feel my blood pressure rising with each passing second, but I wasn’t backing down. We were going to finish this argument like two adults. Or we’d kill each other, whichever came first.

“You just bug the hell out of me sometimes, Alaska,” he confessed. I’ll admit, it hurt a little. I know I irritated him sometimes but it was a whole other story when he was breaking up with me because of it.

“So that was reason enough to end it? Really, John?”

He shrugged, standing up. He started to pace around the living room and I watched him. “No, it wasn’t. I didn’t want to end it, and I guess I didn’t mean it when I said what I did. I just wanted you to fight back, to say you wanted to still be with me. Because the only thing I was getting from you was that you didn’t want to be with me anymore.” He stopped pacing abruptly and looked me in the eyes. “But you accepted the break up, and then you got wasted and made out with some guy. Way to show me you still want me,” he muttered, starting to pace again.

I rolled my eyes dramatically and stood up. I planted my hands on my hips and stood there until he stopped his obsessive pacing and looked at me. “You broke up with me, John. I wasn’t going to be that girl begging and pleading for you to come back if you wanted nothing to do with me anymore. You couldn’t have expected me to do that, could you?”

He shrugged. “I guess not. But was the making out with someone necessary? I mean, really Alaska? I know you’re outgoing but jesus.”

“Oh, fuck off John. I kissed another guy, so what? You had just broken up with me and I got really wasted. You were off flirting with Miss Blonde Bimbo anyways, so what’s it matter to you?” I glared at him as I brought up his shenanigans with the girl at the party.

I watched from across the yard as John talked to some blonde girl I had never met before. She was really pretty, but in a generic way. She looked manufactured, but I guess that was what John was into these days. Hell if I knew.

When I saw the blonde lean in and whisper something in his ear, I just about lost it. Instead of walking over and ripping her head off, I just turned around and went in search of the keg. After downing two beers already, I was on my way to being drunk but I didn’t care.

I finally reached the keg after stumbling and almost losing my balance completely twice. When I got there, someone was manning it. He was kind of cute in the same way that John was, which is probably why I was attracted to him. I smiled my most seductive smile and slurred, “Pour me another sweetie?”

He laughed and nodded, filling up my drink. “So what’s your name?”

“Alaska, like the state. Or the girl in that book, I guess,” I shrugged, taking my red cup and sipping on the lukewarm liquid.

“What book?” he laughed, and I shrugged, laughing too.

I turned abruptly to find John, but he was still talking to the blonde bimbo. I rolled my eyes and turned back to the boy in front of me. “Come ‘ere,” he smiled, pulling him by the arm, away from the keg.

He followed obediently as we walked off towards the fence surrounding Garret’s entire backyard. I leaned against it, trying to be sexy, and gently tugged at the collar of the boy’s shirt. He obliged and leaned forward, kissing me on the lips. It was sloppy and not at all romantic, and I think we even clinked teeth a couple times. But when I finally pulled back, I caught John’s eye from across the yard, watching me intently. The jealousy in his eyes was apparent even from where I stood.

“Oh, stop it Alaska. That girl was one of the guy’s in This Century’s girlfriend. I was just talking to her. If you would have stopped being jealous for a few seconds you would have realized this.”

“It doesn’t even matter!” I exclaimed suddenly, collapsing on the couch behind me. “We aren’t even together anymore, why are we still fighting?”

John walked over and took a seat beside me. “Because this is what we do, Alaska. You’re a huge pain in the ass, you argue with me over stupid things, you’re way too blunt for your own good, and you swear like a sailor.”

“I’m waiting for the but,” I mumbled, not wanting to look at him because tears had started to form in my eyes. I was afraid this was actually going to be it.

“But,” he laughed lightly, relieving me, “even if you are all those things, I’ve known that since day one. Honestly, it’s what I love about you. I love that you don’t back down from a fight. I love that you don’t let me get away with stupid shit. I love that no one has to watch what they say around you because you’re just as bad.” He reached over and grabbed my hand where it lay at my side. “I didn’t want to break up with you, Alaska. I just thought that you were done with me finally, which killed me.”

I finally looked up, tears welling in my eyes and threatening to spill over. “I don’t know if I’m going to be with you forever John, even if I do think you’re the only one in the world who will put up with my shit,” I laughed lightly. “But I do know that right now, I could never be done with you.”

He smiled, leaning in to kiss me quickly. When he went to pull away, I grabbed the collar of his white v-neck and pulled him closer. He wrapped his arms around my waist and lay me down on the couch, placing small kisses from my mouth, down my jaw, and to my neck.
When he reached the most sensitive spot on my neck, I pushed him away, giggling. “You have a plane to catch,” I reminded him.

He groaned. “Come with me.” It was a statement, not a question.

I didn’t even think twice before I nodded and said, “Okay.”

I knew tomorrow, we’d be fighting again. I knew that we’d also make up a million times. I’m sure John knew this too, but for some reason it worked for us. We irritated each other to no end, but we always came back. He was the metaphorical peanut butter to my jelly and we weren’t separating any time soon.