Living Life in a Downward Spiral

It’s nearing Thanksgiving now and I’ve barley said maybe two words to Dad. Everyone was fine with that a few months ago, but now they’re pestering me to at least acknowledge him. Uncle Brian was the worst about it. He kept reminding me that he loves me and that I shouldn’t shun him like this.

I haven’t been surfing since Mom and Dad split. I didn’t know if it was because I was scared of what happened last time, or because I wasn’t really interested in anything anymore. There’s times where I hardly even draw…

It was Wednesday afternoon, and the first day of fall break. I was working on homework to keep my mind distracted, when Uncle Brian walked into the kitchen. My heart sunk a little when I saw him. I love him, but I didn’t know what kind of lecture I was in for today…

“Hey, Babe,” he said, kissing the top of my head. “What’re you up to?”

“Just some homework,” I said, not looking up.

“On break?” He asked as if it was the strangest thing.

“Yep.”

It was silent for a little bit, before he sat down next to me. “Have you talked to your dad recently?”

“You ask me this question time and time again. The answer is still no.”

“Well, I know he wants you to go over to your Grandma Maria’s house for Thanksgiving dinner.”

“Well too bad, because Mom and I already have our own plans for Thanksgiving.”

He smirked at me showing that he knew something that I didn’t. “He already talked to her about it and she thinks that it’s a great idea.”

I dropped my pen, slowly staring up at him. “She said what?” I hissed.

He sighed, rolling his eyes. “You really need to just give your father a chance, Stefanie. He loves you very much and wants to be in your life still.”

“No!” I stood up, shaking my head. “He lost that when he walked out on us. He chose his new life, he dug his own grave, no he’s stuck with it,” I spat, tired of hearing this shit.

“I know you hate what he did, I do too, Stef. I let him know how much of an asshole he is and he knows what he did is killing you. He didn’t mean for it to, though. I understand where he’s coming from because God forbid anything like that happened to me, I would hate to lose Greg. It would tear me apart if he didn’t talk to me, or even acknowledge me.”

“Oh fucking well! Even before all of this shit happened, he always acted like I was second best to Dean. I think the most affection he has shown me since I was five was when I got washed up on the rocks.” I crossed my arms over my chest, shaking my head. “Yeah, he totally loves me.”

“That’s just been him, Stef. We could never figure out what the hell was going on with him until him and I had a really long talk.” He looked over me before sighing. “You just need to talk to him, Stef. Let him back in and try to make amends.”

“Why should I?!”

“Because he’s your father and you need to stop and realize that he still is!” He suddenly raised his voice and stood up. “You need to quit acting like your so grown up and realize that you are still the child!”

“If you haven’t noticed I needed to grow up to take care of Mom! That’s why I grew up so damn fast! I was just thrown into this shit! Do you think I wanted to suddenly become the adult? How do you think I felt, still feel, to this day? I know Mom is still trying to cope even though she puts on a mask.” I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. “I don’t mind taking care of Mom, because I love her… But Dad lost his rights of being a father to me when he walked out that door and forgot about his family. He obviously doesn’t need us, so I sure as hell don’t need him.”

He stood there speechless, not knowing what to say. So I took my chance to gather all my things up and head out back. I just wanted some peace and quiet.

Around sunset, the sliding glass door opened and Uncle Johnny walked out. He came over with his hands in his pockets, and I knew he wanted to talk. He only did that when he was unsure about what to say.

“So, I heard you and Uncle Brian really got into it earlier,” he said, laughing lightly.

“Guess you could say that,” I said, shrugging.

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “What made you finally snap, Stef?”

I sat back, looking up at the sky. “To tell you the truth, I have no idea. Just something inside of me snapped, but it felt good to finally get it out… I’m sorry, I love Uncle Brian, but he just drives me crazy sometimes!”

He an actual laugh that time. “Yeah, he does have that affect.” It was quiet for a few minutes, before he sighed and looked at me.

“Will you at least give your dad a chance? Maybe spend the night tonight and go to your Grandma Maria’s tomorrow. It won’t-”

I was shaking my head rapidly with my eyes wide. “Are you insane?!”

“Stef, you need to realize-”

“No! All of you need to realize how much this has affected me! None of you are realizing how hard it would just to be in the same room as him right now. He walked out and that felt just like he would say he doesn’t love me anymore. Anytime I even though about being around him, my chest literally tightens and my stomach drops.”

“Baby, look at me.” He took my face between his hands and made me look at him. “Believe me, I know how hard this is for you. But trust me when I say, it will help if you face your fears. Your dad misses you and hates how much this is hurting you. He never wanted to hurt you, and I know you know that. Just try spending a little bit of time with him, you never know what could happen. Things just might change. Just both sides need to be willing to work at it. Your dad is, so now it’s your turn. I guarantee that if you make the first move, he’ll follow your lead.”

I looked away, not wanting to listen to him, but I knew he was right. Part of me wanted to work things out with Dad, but the other part just wanted to wash my hands clean of everything. I was torn…

“Well, I guess I better go pack,” I mumbled.

He smiled, running his fingers through my hair. “Now that’s the Stef I know. Head held high and strong spirit. Where has she been hiding lately?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah…” I rolled my eyes and he laughed.