Fading Memoirs of Rockstars

I didn’t know how I had gotten to this page, but just looking at it made me realize something. Somewhere deep inside of me, something clicked, gears turned, everything suddenly made sense. I can’t describe what feeling it was down to the bottom line, but I knew it was something I would never forget. It was better than winning awards, performing sold-out shows, kissing my “dream” girl. It felt like I discovered something I had been missing my whole life. No, it wasn’t a girl, it wasn’t a chord, it wasn’t a song. It was my past, my present, and my future. Myself.

“Nick, come in here for a second, will ya?” I called out to my younger brother, who was currently in the living room portion of my room. Turning around, his silhouette battled for attention in front of the fifty inch plasma screen also set in my bedroom. He paused the game, and quickly made his way over to me. Confusion lurked behind his eyes, but I could tell what he was thinking. I had watched this kid grow up, he was my little brother, I knew him for his flaws and perfections.

“Get Kevin too and then come back.”

He nodded, fleeing to the room to look for the eldest brother in our family. I turned back to face the laptop screen while I waited for the return of the two. I closed my eyes to only see the images flash through again. It was only at the point of almost breaking that my brothers appeared through the threshold of my door.

“Joe’s, what’s the matter?” Kevin asked as soon as he saw the look of discomfort on my face.

My face met my hands to hide them from view. It was one thing to be weak myself, but I was a man, and for goodness sakes, I wasn’t going to cry in front of my brothers. I’m twenty years old; I can hold back some tears.

“What happened to our Ed Hardy shirts? All of our Converse, Vans, and hole-y jeans?” My voice barely coherent, but in the silence of my room they could hear it perfectly fine, “The songs we spent hours on together, our small concerts that Dad drove us to, when everything was still managed just by us?”

“You’re worrying us… you were completely fine yesterday about this. You love this house we have, you love your life, you love what you wear, and you love what you do. What’s the matter with you?” Nick shook my shoulders a bit, in attempt to get me out of the current slump I was in.

Taking a shot, I raised my face. I could see my reflection in their widened eyes. Yeah, so I wasn’t known for crying. Last time I did was over Camilla Belle, and I promised myself never to cry over a chick again.

“What are you crying over?” I wasn’t sure who asked it, but I just pointed toward the Apple computer that sat on my desk. They headed over in apprehension, clicking the play button on the Youtube video. The familiar tune of one of our greatest hits began to play, my voice belting out the lyrics before all of us joined in the chorus. A montage of pictures was displayed along with it, changing between every few seconds.

“You’re worried about this? Your hair looks perfectly fine in these and now. They flatter your face, it doesn’t matter. You can get it fixed tomorrow.”

Kevin stood back up about to head toward his wife who was waiting in the living room. I grabbed his arm, stopping him before it was too late. The silver ring on his right hand only glinted back at me, taunting me.

“That video was made by a fan; did you see the date of it? November 2007. You know how long it’s been since we released that? Three years, it’s been three years and we haven’t noticed how much our lives are based around this. Without them, our fans, we would be nothing. We would be the same Jersey boys we were to begin with. What if we never got discovered, what if none of this happened? They’re the reason we are who we are, and the people we are now haven’t been treating our true fans the right way.”

Their faces stayed the same, even after the video. I didn’t see how they didn’t understand what I was talking about. I wanted to know what happened between those guys and us. I know we had grown up somewhere through the years we had been a part of the entertainment in California, but we weren’t the same guys as we were before. To be honest, I never thought we would stay like those three boys, but I couldn’t imagine it would end up this bad.

We took our lives for granted. Sure, we donated our time and clothes to people in need, but we were asked by Disney to do it. It was to make sure everyone still knew we were the same guys we were to begin with, but if you saw what happened that morning… it wouldn’t have been the same. I had to be forced out of my bed, the only day I had time to sleep in. I was in a horrible mood, I was pissed, I was too drowsy to even process what I was doing most of the day, but I did it for the people who watched. It wasn’t even my idea, I wanted to continue my lazy life and not give a fuck about what fans thought about me.

But today, I realized that they were the reason to who we are now. I have strayed off my path, many times and I’m a complete utter mess, but all of them love me despite that. I owe them more than pictures and autographs whenever they spot me. What happened to the down to earth guy I was before? I held up my purity ring, it was probably the cheapest thing I was wearing right now, but it had the most meaning to me. That’s how we should be, shouldn’t it?

The fans that liked us straight from the beginning and cried when we started changing ourselves to fit this fame persona we had taken up are still left with us. Bits and bits of them still linger in my hearts, the fan meetings from the very beginning were the best ones ever. It taught me more than I could ever wish for, and without those people, I would be a nobody.

Those kids were the ones who grew up with us; the ones who saw us change right before their eyes. Maybe that was when we thought that we could still exist without them, without their love, without their support, but those are the ones that we have to cherish the most. They didn’t love us for our looks, our fame, or any of it. They loved us for the Jersey kids we were who wasted their time performing in malls and small concerts that only lasted through a few songs. They loved us through the leaky van stage and the garage band portion before Disney signed us. They saw us change into the men we were today and saw how bad the fame had gotten to us, to me. I guess in the end, I did deserve losing something, it made my ego a bit less inflated, if even any.

It was at that moment I realized how truly blessed I was. My life was a blessing from God, and I couldn’t picture it any other way. Sure, I would get mad whenever I was busy and a fan would come up to me. I wasn’t a very happy guy on the inside when these situations arose, but those fans deserved something. They deserve something that shows them how much I cherish each of them.

Remembering I had to keep two more people company, I looked up to see find my room empty. I jerked my head to the right then the left; they were gone. They would get it sooner or later, but I was the one God wanted to change first. I was the worst of us three, but without someone there to help them through, they would only end up hitting rock bottom.

I fingered the ring one last time before slipping it back on, “What happened to the promise we made to never let fame get to us? We’ve seen it happen so many times, and yet we didn’t see it happen to us.”