Somewhere in the Middle
California
May 22, 2014
I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find—
"It's our song, Hayls." Riley and I looked at each other, grins taking over our faces. "Turn it up." I turned it up and we started belting out the lyrics.
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
We stopped belting out the lyrics when we passed the big white sign that read Welcome to California! Four years of not being in this state we called home for eighteen years of our lives was odd to say the least. Maryland had been our home for the last four years, but now we were moving back to the sunshine state, California.
Our lives had drastically changed all those ago. We got accepted into Johns Hopkins University. We spent four years fulfilling out dreams of becoming nurses. We graduated with honors and got offered jobs at Orange Coast Memorial Hospital in Fountain Valley, California. No one knew we were coming back. The only people who did were our long time boyfriends; JJ and Axel.
"What do we do if we run into Mom and Dad or the others?" I asked quietly.
Over the last four years we had slowly lost contact with our family. Mom and Dad called and emailed and text, as did the others, but we got busy. That was the only stupid excuse we could give. It was a sad excuse, but it was all we could give. Our real parents always told us to follow our dreams and do what we wanted. Jimmy and Leana did that too. They wanted us to follow our dreams and do what we wanted and we did just that. In the end, we were doing what they told us to do.
Yeah it sucked not talking to them. But we were adults and we couldn't always rely on our parents. We had been without parents for years and we did just fine. So when Jimmy and Leana came into the picture it was weird for us. We had authority figures when we hadn't for X amount of years. Us not keeping in contact with them was our way of pushing them away. We wanted to let them down easy. Just like we did, or tried to do, with Ace, Aiden, Gianna, and Barbie. We pushed people away that we cared about. In the end, I think it hurt them more then it did us. It should've effected us just as much as it did them, but with our past, nothing really phased us anymore. We were use to being let down. And that's why we pushed people away. Even the people we loved. It would never fail.
"I don't know." Riley shrugged. "I honestly don't know."
Heres to hoping we don't.
"We need to take a shopping trip to IKEA."
Axel and JJ groaned simultaneously. They absolutely hated when we went shopping. And they knew we needed them to tag along and carry our bags. So as soon as the words shopping, trip, and IKEA came out of our mouths, they tried to run and hide. Over the last four years we had become immune to their incessant groans of displeasure.
"Babe, we don't need to go shopping," JJ groaned, poking me in the side. I shot away from him like he was on fire. "Shut up, yes we do. We have nothing to put in the house."
Riley and Axel were in the same position. Us Sullivan girls weren't going to let them get out of this. We were stubborn and hard headed and they were going whether they wanted to or not. We finally managed to drag them out of the basically empty house and into the truck in a short two minutes. It took us all of fifteen minutes to get JJ's massive SUV from our new house to the also massive IKEA.
"Can we just stay in the car?" Axel asked. He hadn't moved from his spot beside JJ in the backseat. "I'm wore out." JJ let out a noise of agreement. We agreed to let them stay in the car if they agreed to help us with the bags and give us full reign on decorating the house. They happily agreed. So we tossed them the keys and made our way into the store.
We haven't been in here since Jimmy and Leana adopted us. It was our first outing as a family. And here we were six years later making a trip without our family.
"Is it weird that I'm thinking about first trip here with Mom and Dad?" Riley questioned. I shook my head. Our twin telepathy would never go away. "No, because I was too."
We grabbed a cart and started on shopping spree. All of two hours later and we were finished. Two shopping carts were overflowing and we were more then ready to decorate our new house. JJ and Axel loaded the stuff in the back while Riley and I put the carts away. As we put the carts away, a black Escalade pulled up beside the cart holder. Out stepped a buff man with tattooed arms and a very pregnant blonde woman. The man went to the back and got a toddler out of their carseat. As soon as the couple turned around and we got a good look at them, our hearts stopped.
Matt and Val.
"Holy shit." Riley looked at me and I looked at her. Our faces were one of shock. But what really got me was when the toddler called Matt, Daddy. Matt and Val had a son and another baby on the way. Had we really been gone that long? Had they all grown up and started families of their own? Did we miss out on that?
"Daddy, me want toys," the toddler spoke. "Big toys!"
Matt chuckled. "Not now, River. Today we're going shopping for your baby sister."
River? His sons name was River. The kid who looked like a spitting image on his father, pouted. "Me no want a baby sissy!"
They walked off to where we couldn't hear the rest of their conversation. I took one look at Riley, and my eyes misted over. We missed out on the birth of their first kid. We missed out on him starting a family. We missed out on god knows what else. We screwed up. And big time.
There were few things in this world that scared me. Spiders and snakes were two things that did scare me. Now I could add seeing my family to that list. I was twenty two years old and I was scared to see my family. My own fucking family. The people who brought us into their lives and out of the orphanage. The people who gave us a better life then we could've ever imagined. The people who loved us unconditionally. The people who gave us everything we wanted and more. We were scared to death of seeing our family again.
And it was all our fault. It all fell on us.
"What's got you all in the dumps?" JJ questioned, throwing his arm around my shoulder. I shrugged.
He didn't know anything about my family. He didn't know who they were or where they were from. He didn't know they were in a world famous band. He didn't know we were adopted. He didn't know anything. All he knew was that I had a mom and dad who I lost contact with. In the end, he knew as little about me as humanly possible, while I knew every little thing about him.
He was born and raised in Texas. He had a thick southern accent when we first met, but it mellowed out after the first year of college at Johns Hopkins. He came from a big family; three brothers and two sisters. He was the second born, a year after his first brother. Then came his twin brothers and then his two sisters. His actual name was JJ and it didn't stand for anything. He called his family every day and never missed a call under any circumstances. His mother was your stereotypical southern woman who made pies and set them on the windowsill to cool off. His father was an orthopedic surgeon at a children's hospital and in his free time he went hunting and worked on their farm.
"Nothing," I mumbled. "Just tired."
He knew me better then that. "Don't make me break out my southern charm."
I rolled my eyes. "That doesn't work on me."
He smirked. "Well pardon me ma'am, but I just thought I'd tell you that you're the most beautiful woman I've ever laid my eyes on." He was laying it on thick. And it was working. His smirk only widened. "Now why don't you tell me what's got your panties in a bunch so I can fix it."
After four years of evading any and all questions about my family, I felt it was time to finally tell him. So I did. From the beginning to the end. Every little detail, every little memory; I told him. And he just sat there and listened, never once interrupting me. Of course he had questions, any normal person would. But he saved them until I was finished. I just hoped that I didn't break down when he asked them. Seeing Matt and Val today had stirred up so many emotions inside myself that I was sure anything would set me off.
"Your Dad is in a rock band?" He asked. I nodded. "Avenged Sevenfold."
"And him and his wife adopted you and Riley six years ago?"
"Before our sixteenth birthdays."
"Why'd you quit talking to them?"
My shoulders lifted in a shrug. "I push away the people I care about."
"But why?"
And here come the tears. "Because you don't get hurt that way," I whispered. A tear slipped from my eye and slid down my cheek to land on my jean clad leg. "I loved my biological parents with my whole heart and they were taken away from us. I guess I thought that that would happen to anyone else we cared about, so it's just easier to push them away rather then have them permanently taken away from his. By us pushing them away, we know they're still there physically whereas our parents aren't. We can still go to them if we ever choose to, but we can't with our parents. We don't have the best track record with family members and we came to the conclusion when we got our acceptance letters that it would be in their best interests if we pushed them away. We bring tragedy and turmoil to anything we care about."
By the time I finished, I was full on crying. Bawling my eyes out. And there was nothing I could do to stop it. This was one of those times when my saying 'Crying shows a sign of weakness' was thrown out the window and I let loose. All JJ could do was wrap his arms around me and hold me. Right now, that was all I wanted; to be held and told it was all going to be okay. Even if I knew it wasn't the truth.
"It's gonna be okay, babe," he whispered, rubbing my back. "It'll all work out. Everything will be fine." His lips met my temple as I rested my head on his chest. "I love you."
"Love you too."
Late night trips to the 24 hour record store were normal occurrences for Riley and me. We frequented it quite a lot after our parents passed away. It was our way of escaping from the outside world and getting lost in a world of our own. JJ and Axel had been to the record store with us back in Maryland. They never understood how music could effect us in the way it did. But what they didn't know was that it was a big part of our life before our parents passed, and even more after.
"I still can't believe you wear that shirt out in public," Riley commented. I gasped, glancing down at my shirt. Harry Styles and some pizza slices was my favorite shirt and here she was dogging on it. "Don't dog on my Harry Styles shirt!" I exclaimed.
She laughed. "Who is that anyway?" If my face was an emoji right now it would be the one with the bug eyes and the gaping mouth. How can my twin sister not know who Harry Styles is? I mean, I only talk and obsess about him 24/7. Not for real, but kind of.
"I'm seriously disappointed in you, Riley," I stated with a shake of my head. She raised her eyebrows at me. "Whoa."
"How can you not know who Harry Styles is? Not like I don't talk and obsess about him 24/7."
"I'm not big on boy bands." She simply shrugged her shoulders. I'm starting to rethink claiming her as my twin. We cannot be related. How can she not be infatuated with him? He was British and had dimples and green eyes and tattoos and a man bun. A man bun people! A fucking man bun! Without a second thought, I whipped out my phone and pulled up my tumblr. My dashboard was filled with pictures of One Direction, mainly the ever famous Harry Styles, and other bands I liked. I'm not ashamed of my tumblr at all. "Look at his man bun, Riles. His man bun."
Instead of answering, she opened the door to the record stood and motioned for me to walk in. I did so and closed out of the tumblr app. "Harry Styles and his man bun are Jesus, okay."
We went our separate ways as soon we stepped in the store. She went to the rock section and I went to the 90s section. I was in dire need of a Nirvana vinyl. Mine had somehow gotten broke on the trip down here from Baltimore and this was the only store I knew of that still sold vinyls around here, so I went on the hunt for it. After a long thirty minutes of looking, I came up empty handed. I almost wanted to cry. Just as I was about to give up and sulk around the store to find Riley, someone came up behind me.
"Is there anything I can help you with?"
I quickly turned around and came face to face with a very tall, very tattooed man. He had on Kurt Cobain shirt that was literally the coolest thing on this planet. I had never wanted to steal something as much in my life as I did this strangers shirts. My eyes lit up as I looked up at him. "Actually there is," I spoke.
He waited for me to continue. "First, you can tell me where you got that shirt and second, you can tell me if you happen to be hiding the Nirvana Nevermind vinyl in the back somewhere."
He shot me a lopsided grin. "My friend made the shirt and I think we might have one of those vinyls left in the back."
"Could you possibly go get the vinyl for me?" I asked, shooting him my ever famous smile that got me anything I wanted. "Mine got damaged on the way here from Baltimore and I'm in dire need of some Kurt Cobain therapy." As he went to head to the back, Riley came around the corner with an arm full of vinyls and her phone stuffed in her face.
"I just went on tumble for like a minute and saw over a dozen posts about a man bun. You have a problem—" She trailed off when she saw the tattooed man in front of me. It took her a minute to regain her composure but when she did, she looked at me with wide eyes. "Hayls."
"Yeah?" What is her problem? She's acting like she saw a ghost.
"Do you know who that is?"
"Um, the record store guy who has awesome taste in music and is about to be a lifesaver?"
"No you assbut, that's Ace." Ace? As in... "Ace Jones."
Oh my god. No. Nope. This can't be happening. This isn't happening. Not today. Not right now. God didn't hate me this much. Did he?
"Yo, Aid!" Oh my god. "I need that Nevermind vinyl! Some chick is wanting it!"
Aid? As in Aiden Smith? Holy fuck. This day just kept getting better and better. And I'm starting to think that God not only hated me, but my twin sister also. Did we do something for this to happen to us? On today of all days? I mean, really. I've cried all the tears I have in a few short hours today. I'm afraid if I even got the urge to cry again that I'd fall to floor in a blubbering mess. Riley and I looked at each other with wide eyes. This was officially the worst welcome back we had ever had.
"Fuck."
I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find—
"It's our song, Hayls." Riley and I looked at each other, grins taking over our faces. "Turn it up." I turned it up and we started belting out the lyrics.
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
We stopped belting out the lyrics when we passed the big white sign that read Welcome to California! Four years of not being in this state we called home for eighteen years of our lives was odd to say the least. Maryland had been our home for the last four years, but now we were moving back to the sunshine state, California.
Our lives had drastically changed all those ago. We got accepted into Johns Hopkins University. We spent four years fulfilling out dreams of becoming nurses. We graduated with honors and got offered jobs at Orange Coast Memorial Hospital in Fountain Valley, California. No one knew we were coming back. The only people who did were our long time boyfriends; JJ and Axel.
"What do we do if we run into Mom and Dad or the others?" I asked quietly.
Over the last four years we had slowly lost contact with our family. Mom and Dad called and emailed and text, as did the others, but we got busy. That was the only stupid excuse we could give. It was a sad excuse, but it was all we could give. Our real parents always told us to follow our dreams and do what we wanted. Jimmy and Leana did that too. They wanted us to follow our dreams and do what we wanted and we did just that. In the end, we were doing what they told us to do.
Yeah it sucked not talking to them. But we were adults and we couldn't always rely on our parents. We had been without parents for years and we did just fine. So when Jimmy and Leana came into the picture it was weird for us. We had authority figures when we hadn't for X amount of years. Us not keeping in contact with them was our way of pushing them away. We wanted to let them down easy. Just like we did, or tried to do, with Ace, Aiden, Gianna, and Barbie. We pushed people away that we cared about. In the end, I think it hurt them more then it did us. It should've effected us just as much as it did them, but with our past, nothing really phased us anymore. We were use to being let down. And that's why we pushed people away. Even the people we loved. It would never fail.
"I don't know." Riley shrugged. "I honestly don't know."
Heres to hoping we don't.
&&
"We need to take a shopping trip to IKEA."
Axel and JJ groaned simultaneously. They absolutely hated when we went shopping. And they knew we needed them to tag along and carry our bags. So as soon as the words shopping, trip, and IKEA came out of our mouths, they tried to run and hide. Over the last four years we had become immune to their incessant groans of displeasure.
"Babe, we don't need to go shopping," JJ groaned, poking me in the side. I shot away from him like he was on fire. "Shut up, yes we do. We have nothing to put in the house."
Riley and Axel were in the same position. Us Sullivan girls weren't going to let them get out of this. We were stubborn and hard headed and they were going whether they wanted to or not. We finally managed to drag them out of the basically empty house and into the truck in a short two minutes. It took us all of fifteen minutes to get JJ's massive SUV from our new house to the also massive IKEA.
"Can we just stay in the car?" Axel asked. He hadn't moved from his spot beside JJ in the backseat. "I'm wore out." JJ let out a noise of agreement. We agreed to let them stay in the car if they agreed to help us with the bags and give us full reign on decorating the house. They happily agreed. So we tossed them the keys and made our way into the store.
We haven't been in here since Jimmy and Leana adopted us. It was our first outing as a family. And here we were six years later making a trip without our family.
"Is it weird that I'm thinking about first trip here with Mom and Dad?" Riley questioned. I shook my head. Our twin telepathy would never go away. "No, because I was too."
We grabbed a cart and started on shopping spree. All of two hours later and we were finished. Two shopping carts were overflowing and we were more then ready to decorate our new house. JJ and Axel loaded the stuff in the back while Riley and I put the carts away. As we put the carts away, a black Escalade pulled up beside the cart holder. Out stepped a buff man with tattooed arms and a very pregnant blonde woman. The man went to the back and got a toddler out of their carseat. As soon as the couple turned around and we got a good look at them, our hearts stopped.
Matt and Val.
"Holy shit." Riley looked at me and I looked at her. Our faces were one of shock. But what really got me was when the toddler called Matt, Daddy. Matt and Val had a son and another baby on the way. Had we really been gone that long? Had they all grown up and started families of their own? Did we miss out on that?
"Daddy, me want toys," the toddler spoke. "Big toys!"
Matt chuckled. "Not now, River. Today we're going shopping for your baby sister."
River? His sons name was River. The kid who looked like a spitting image on his father, pouted. "Me no want a baby sissy!"
They walked off to where we couldn't hear the rest of their conversation. I took one look at Riley, and my eyes misted over. We missed out on the birth of their first kid. We missed out on him starting a family. We missed out on god knows what else. We screwed up. And big time.
&&
There were few things in this world that scared me. Spiders and snakes were two things that did scare me. Now I could add seeing my family to that list. I was twenty two years old and I was scared to see my family. My own fucking family. The people who brought us into their lives and out of the orphanage. The people who gave us a better life then we could've ever imagined. The people who loved us unconditionally. The people who gave us everything we wanted and more. We were scared to death of seeing our family again.
And it was all our fault. It all fell on us.
"What's got you all in the dumps?" JJ questioned, throwing his arm around my shoulder. I shrugged.
He didn't know anything about my family. He didn't know who they were or where they were from. He didn't know they were in a world famous band. He didn't know we were adopted. He didn't know anything. All he knew was that I had a mom and dad who I lost contact with. In the end, he knew as little about me as humanly possible, while I knew every little thing about him.
He was born and raised in Texas. He had a thick southern accent when we first met, but it mellowed out after the first year of college at Johns Hopkins. He came from a big family; three brothers and two sisters. He was the second born, a year after his first brother. Then came his twin brothers and then his two sisters. His actual name was JJ and it didn't stand for anything. He called his family every day and never missed a call under any circumstances. His mother was your stereotypical southern woman who made pies and set them on the windowsill to cool off. His father was an orthopedic surgeon at a children's hospital and in his free time he went hunting and worked on their farm.
"Nothing," I mumbled. "Just tired."
He knew me better then that. "Don't make me break out my southern charm."
I rolled my eyes. "That doesn't work on me."
He smirked. "Well pardon me ma'am, but I just thought I'd tell you that you're the most beautiful woman I've ever laid my eyes on." He was laying it on thick. And it was working. His smirk only widened. "Now why don't you tell me what's got your panties in a bunch so I can fix it."
After four years of evading any and all questions about my family, I felt it was time to finally tell him. So I did. From the beginning to the end. Every little detail, every little memory; I told him. And he just sat there and listened, never once interrupting me. Of course he had questions, any normal person would. But he saved them until I was finished. I just hoped that I didn't break down when he asked them. Seeing Matt and Val today had stirred up so many emotions inside myself that I was sure anything would set me off.
"Your Dad is in a rock band?" He asked. I nodded. "Avenged Sevenfold."
"And him and his wife adopted you and Riley six years ago?"
"Before our sixteenth birthdays."
"Why'd you quit talking to them?"
My shoulders lifted in a shrug. "I push away the people I care about."
"But why?"
And here come the tears. "Because you don't get hurt that way," I whispered. A tear slipped from my eye and slid down my cheek to land on my jean clad leg. "I loved my biological parents with my whole heart and they were taken away from us. I guess I thought that that would happen to anyone else we cared about, so it's just easier to push them away rather then have them permanently taken away from his. By us pushing them away, we know they're still there physically whereas our parents aren't. We can still go to them if we ever choose to, but we can't with our parents. We don't have the best track record with family members and we came to the conclusion when we got our acceptance letters that it would be in their best interests if we pushed them away. We bring tragedy and turmoil to anything we care about."
By the time I finished, I was full on crying. Bawling my eyes out. And there was nothing I could do to stop it. This was one of those times when my saying 'Crying shows a sign of weakness' was thrown out the window and I let loose. All JJ could do was wrap his arms around me and hold me. Right now, that was all I wanted; to be held and told it was all going to be okay. Even if I knew it wasn't the truth.
"It's gonna be okay, babe," he whispered, rubbing my back. "It'll all work out. Everything will be fine." His lips met my temple as I rested my head on his chest. "I love you."
"Love you too."
&&
Late night trips to the 24 hour record store were normal occurrences for Riley and me. We frequented it quite a lot after our parents passed away. It was our way of escaping from the outside world and getting lost in a world of our own. JJ and Axel had been to the record store with us back in Maryland. They never understood how music could effect us in the way it did. But what they didn't know was that it was a big part of our life before our parents passed, and even more after.
"I still can't believe you wear that shirt out in public," Riley commented. I gasped, glancing down at my shirt. Harry Styles and some pizza slices was my favorite shirt and here she was dogging on it. "Don't dog on my Harry Styles shirt!" I exclaimed.
She laughed. "Who is that anyway?" If my face was an emoji right now it would be the one with the bug eyes and the gaping mouth. How can my twin sister not know who Harry Styles is? I mean, I only talk and obsess about him 24/7. Not for real, but kind of.
"I'm seriously disappointed in you, Riley," I stated with a shake of my head. She raised her eyebrows at me. "Whoa."
"How can you not know who Harry Styles is? Not like I don't talk and obsess about him 24/7."
"I'm not big on boy bands." She simply shrugged her shoulders. I'm starting to rethink claiming her as my twin. We cannot be related. How can she not be infatuated with him? He was British and had dimples and green eyes and tattoos and a man bun. A man bun people! A fucking man bun! Without a second thought, I whipped out my phone and pulled up my tumblr. My dashboard was filled with pictures of One Direction, mainly the ever famous Harry Styles, and other bands I liked. I'm not ashamed of my tumblr at all. "Look at his man bun, Riles. His man bun."
Instead of answering, she opened the door to the record stood and motioned for me to walk in. I did so and closed out of the tumblr app. "Harry Styles and his man bun are Jesus, okay."
We went our separate ways as soon we stepped in the store. She went to the rock section and I went to the 90s section. I was in dire need of a Nirvana vinyl. Mine had somehow gotten broke on the trip down here from Baltimore and this was the only store I knew of that still sold vinyls around here, so I went on the hunt for it. After a long thirty minutes of looking, I came up empty handed. I almost wanted to cry. Just as I was about to give up and sulk around the store to find Riley, someone came up behind me.
"Is there anything I can help you with?"
I quickly turned around and came face to face with a very tall, very tattooed man. He had on Kurt Cobain shirt that was literally the coolest thing on this planet. I had never wanted to steal something as much in my life as I did this strangers shirts. My eyes lit up as I looked up at him. "Actually there is," I spoke.
He waited for me to continue. "First, you can tell me where you got that shirt and second, you can tell me if you happen to be hiding the Nirvana Nevermind vinyl in the back somewhere."
He shot me a lopsided grin. "My friend made the shirt and I think we might have one of those vinyls left in the back."
"Could you possibly go get the vinyl for me?" I asked, shooting him my ever famous smile that got me anything I wanted. "Mine got damaged on the way here from Baltimore and I'm in dire need of some Kurt Cobain therapy." As he went to head to the back, Riley came around the corner with an arm full of vinyls and her phone stuffed in her face.
"I just went on tumble for like a minute and saw over a dozen posts about a man bun. You have a problem—" She trailed off when she saw the tattooed man in front of me. It took her a minute to regain her composure but when she did, she looked at me with wide eyes. "Hayls."
"Yeah?" What is her problem? She's acting like she saw a ghost.
"Do you know who that is?"
"Um, the record store guy who has awesome taste in music and is about to be a lifesaver?"
"No you assbut, that's Ace." Ace? As in... "Ace Jones."
Oh my god. No. Nope. This can't be happening. This isn't happening. Not today. Not right now. God didn't hate me this much. Did he?
"Yo, Aid!" Oh my god. "I need that Nevermind vinyl! Some chick is wanting it!"
Aid? As in Aiden Smith? Holy fuck. This day just kept getting better and better. And I'm starting to think that God not only hated me, but my twin sister also. Did we do something for this to happen to us? On today of all days? I mean, really. I've cried all the tears I have in a few short hours today. I'm afraid if I even got the urge to cry again that I'd fall to floor in a blubbering mess. Riley and I looked at each other with wide eyes. This was officially the worst welcome back we had ever had.
"Fuck."
