Somewhere in the Middle

A twelve hour shift with a six hour shift on top of that. That's how our first day at Orange Coast Memorial went.

Two nurses came down with the flu. It was thick this year and spreading like wildfire. The main emergency room nurse, Charlotte Green had came to us when they called in and offered us the extra hours. We immediately took her up on the offer and trudged through.

"Hayley, I need you to go to 219 and get the patients vitals." Charlotte handed me a clip board with the patients basic information on it.



My eyes skimmed over the information, but immediately went back to the name at the top of the paper. River James Sanders. Oh no. No. I can't do this. I can't come face to face with anyone else. Johnny was enough to last me for a while. "Charlotte, I can't—" I started, but she cut me off.

"I need you to do it, Hayley," she spoke. "Riley is with a patient as are the others. You're the only one who can take it." With a nod, I pulled up my big girl panties and sucked it up. I made it to room 219 and stood outside of the closed door. My eyes gazed in and saw the three of them sitting on the bed.

Keep it together, Hayley. They're just people. They're family. They can't stay mad forever.

My hypothetical big girl panties were pulled up and I sucked in a deep breath as I pushed the door open. All three of their heads turned to look at the door. When they took notice to me, the little boy I had come to realize looked exactly like a little Matt, shot me a dimpled grin. I sent them all a comforting smile.

"Hi," I spoke. "I'm just going to check your sons vitals and all of that, then I'll be out of your hair." The very pregnant Val nodded. River was sitting on Matt's lap, so I bent down to his level and grinned. "Well hello, handsome."

"Hi," he spoke shyly.

"You must be River?" He nodded. "Well River, my name is Hayley. I have to do some tests to make sure you can be a superhero like Batman. Sound good?" His shirt and shoes gave away his obsession with Batman, so I used that to my advantage. "I'm going to put this little Velcro wrap around your arm and it's going to bubble up like a balloon. Is that okay?" He nodded, holding out his arm. I slid the cuff up his arm and secured it. "Okay, now just let your arm flop down like a noodle. Can you do that?"

He giggled as I demonstrated and mimicked my actions.

"Now, this little thing has to go on your finger like a clothes pin." It was the heart rate monitor. He held out his pointer finger so I took that as my chance to put the small clamp on there. He examined it with curiosity. "Be sure to sit super still, yeah? We don't want you to mess up the Batman tests."

He nodded, then looked over at his mom. "I'mma be Batman, Mommy."

"I heard, sweetheart."

I hit start on both the machines and watched as River stilled. While those tests were happening, I got the thermometer out and turned it on, swiping it across his forehead. Normal 96.2. His blood pressure was somewhat normal and heart rate was kind of high. I turned off the machines and took the cuff and clamp off of him. His vitals were jotted down on the clipboard.

"Are his blood pressure and heart rate normal?" Matt asked.

"His heart rate is a little high, as is his blood pressure is. Not to the point where it's anything to worry about though. It could just be from his injury and the adrenaline running through his system," I replied. "Now what exactly happened to cause him a head injury?"

Val took it upon herself to answer the question. "He was playing hide-n-seek with one of his uncle's outside and climbed on top of his toy which resulted in him falling off of it." I jotted that down as she spoke.

"And how far of a fall do you think it was?"

"I don't know," she answered, looking over at Matt for an answer. "I was in a frenzy when I heard him screaming."

"I would say at least like, three or four feet," Matt answered. I took note of that and grabbed my pen with a light on the end of it. "Okay River, I want you to watch the pen as I move it from side to side." I put it in his line of sight and moved it from left to right. The movement of his eyes were a little slow, which prompted me to flash the light from eye to eye quickly. From that, I knew what was wrong with him, but since I wasn't a certified doctor, I couldn't diagnose it. So instead, I jotted it down and slipped a sucker out of the front pocket of my scrubs.

"Here's a sucker for the miniature Batman." He took it with a huge grin. "And I'm sure when the doctor comes in he'll give you some stickers." Now I turned to Matt and Val. "I'll give this to the doctor and he'll be in here shortly." With that said, I left the room and found Charlotte.

"How did it—" I cut her off. "Can you give this to Doctor Davis? I think I'm gonna be sick."

I ran to the nearest bathroom and made sure the door was shut before sliding down the wall to sit on my butt. Jesus Christ. Multiple family member run-ins in a matter of two weeks. I don't know if I could handle anymore. Maybe coming back here wasn't such a good idea. We could've taken a job in San Francisco or New York or stayed in Baltimore. But no, we had to come back to Orange County where all of our family was.

Johnny recognized us right off the bat. If Matt and Val did, they didn't show it. But why would they recognize me, when I've changed so much over the last four years. I've grown up. I quit coloring my hair. Got rid of my piercings. Traded in the emo, punk rocker look for a more grown up, hipster look. I chopped off my hair. Cleaned up my attitude. Grew a few inches. Got a real, professional job. Got my shit together. I was basically a different person. Riley was a different person. We had drastically changed ourselves the past four years and it was for the better.

"Yeah, he's in room 200 and he needs fluids." A voice sounded outside the bathroom door. It sounded like Riley. "He's dehydrated. He said he's been like this for the last four hours." A second later, the door opened and Riley stepped in. She started making her way to the stalls but as soon as she took notice to me, she changed her path and quickly made her way to me.

"Hayley? What's wrong?" I just shook my head. "I can't do this. I can't live here. I want to go back to Baltimore."

Her forehead wrinkled in confusion. "What're you talking about?"

"I want our crappy apartment back. I want Outside Carl to tell me about how he does his taxes or how he used to have thirty six pigeons as pets. I want that stupid neighbor to sing horrible karaoke with his ignorant friends." Here come some tears. "I don't want to worry about running into someone we're related too."

Her eyes softened, but there was still a hint of confusion on her face. "What brought this on? We were doing so good."

"My patient was Matt and Val's son, River," I answered. "I came face to face with them. I don't want to have to face them. I don't want to have to face any of them."

"Oh Hayls."

"I just want to go home."

"We are home," Riley responded. "This is our home now."


"Hey Riles?"

"Yeah?"

"Can we go to the cemetery?"

Riley looked over at me from her spot in the driver seat of her car. We had just gotten some ice cream; I got a banana chocolate shake while she got a chocolate peanut butter shake. It was what we turned too after a stressful day. That and alcohol, but at the moment, a brain freeze sounded much more appealing then a hangover. A stressful eighteen hour work day was enough reason for massive amounts of ice cream. And that's just what we did. We got the biggest malts you could buy.

I switched over from the radio to the aux cord and plugged in my phone. Without Riley having to ask, I went straight to the album that held all of the songs by The Pretty Reckless. We were currently obsessed with them and had no shame. Taylor Momsens voice was one of those voices that you could listen to for hours and never get tired of. It was slightly deeper then a normal female singers voice and had a rasp to it. It reminded me of Riley's voice, but hers wasn't as deep as Taylor's.

(The end is the end)
(Don't bless me father for I have sinned)

Father did you miss me?
I've been locked up a while.
I got caught for what I did but took it all in style.
Laid to rest all my confessions I gave way back when.
Now I'm versed in so much worse,
So I am back again.
And he said

For the lines that I take, I'm going to hell!
For the love that I make, I'm going to hell!

Gettin' heavy with the devil, you can hear the wedding bells.

Father did you miss me?
Don't ask me where I've been.
You know I know,
Yes, I've been told I redefine a sin.
I don't know what's driving me to put this in my head.
Maybe I wish I could die, maybe I am dead!
And he said

For the lives that I fake, I'm going to hell!
For the vows that I break, I'm going to hell!

For the ways that I hurt, while I'm hiking up my skirt.
I am sitting on a throne while they're buried in the dirt.

For the man that I hate, I'm going to hell!

Gettin' heavy with the devil, you can hear the wedding bells.

Please forgive me father,
I didn't mean to bother you.
The devil's in me father.
He's inside of everything I do.

For the life that I take, I'm going to hell!
For the laws that I break, I'm going to hell!
For the love that I hate, I'm going to—

"You ready?" I nodded, opening the car door and sliding out. No matter how many times we came here it would never get easier. I mean, we were coming to our parents graves. It didn't mean that just because they had been gone for eleven years that it was any easier. Even the thought of coming here got me emotional.

Being on the other side of the country for four years, left us with no choice of coming and visiting them. We had a bouquet of daffodils sent to their graves every year; on the anniversary of their death and on the anniversary of the day they got married. My mom had a garden full of daffodils at our old house and always told us a gift of daffodils is said to ensure happiness. Our dad gave her a bouquet of them on their first date. They were their choice of flower they used in their wedding and what our dad gave our mom every anniversary up until they died. When we came to a stop in front of their headstones a bouquet of roses caught my eye. Ten of them were red and two were white. Not giving it a second thought, I bent down and wiped some freshly cut grass off of the black headstones.



"We miss you Mom and Dad," Riley mumbled, sitting criss cross on the grass. I followed her actions and sat down, not caring if my scrubs got dirty. "Sorry we haven't been here lately."

She got to talking, while I tried my best not to breakdown in tears. It seemed like as of late that I was making an obscene amount of tears. It bothered me like no other too. I was never one to cry, but here I sat, trying my damnedest to keep the godforsaken tears at bay. I don't know if it was because it was almost my time of the month or if I was just turning into one of those emotional wrecks of a human being. Instead of staring at the grass, I moved my eyes to look up at the sun, only for something shiny on the vase to catch my eye. My right hand abandoned my shake and moved to grab whatever it was from around the vase.

A necklace?

"Riles." She stopped talking and looked over at me. "Look at this." I held up the necklace to show her. Her eyes grew in size.

"Is there something on the dog tag? What're the other charms?" I checked the dog tag that was hanging beside the deathbat charm, switchblade charm, and top hat skull charm. On the front it said RIP and on the back it said Forever in our hearts. -Jimmy & Leana Sullivan

"Riles," I whispered. A few tears leaked from my eyes. "It's from Jimmy, Leana, and the guys."