Don't Be So Hard on Yourself

Christmas Party

“Alright I’ll do your hair and you’ll do mine okay?” Kelsi giggled as she got her wand ready. I smiled looking over her outfit once more. She wore a simple lime green dress that she found in Hogsmeade. It was spaghetti strapped and went to just above her knees. She wore plain black flats and simple jewelry. I raised my wand and did her hair in a side braid with a few strands of hair curled on the other side. She smiled as she looked at herself and then did my hair.

I moved in front of the mirror to see what she did. I looked up from where the silver heels made me four inches taller to the long dark blue halter cut dress that went far down my back. The necklace that my mother sent me after I told her about the party and then to the hair-do Kelsi did. My hair was done up in a bun with curls cascading down my back. I smiled and hugged Kelsi and she hugged me. We both looked great.

I tried not to think of Draco as we walked out of the bathroom. Blaise and Nott were waiting for us down in the common room and I seemed nervous. What if Draco did get caught tonight? What would happen? I haven’t seen him since dinner when he stormed out of the Great Hall after staring at me. He’d either come to class and I’d miss him or he’d skip entirely. I took in a deep breath as Kelsi and I walked down the stairs to the common room. Blaise and Nott were both in suits and looked at us with smiles on their faces. Kelsi walked up to Nott who took her arm and they walked out of the room. Blaise gave me a hug.

“If Malfoy was here right now, he’d probably have my head. You look great,” I blushed and felt very thankful that Blaise is such a good friend and that Draco wasn’t here. Then Blaise took my hand and we walked out of the room and towards Slughorn’s office.

“Did you talk to Draco today?” I asked after a few minutes of futile arguing with my gut. I had this feeling, this horrible feeling that something was going to happen to him. I still care about him. It doesn’t matter how much I lie to myself or attempt to forget him; I still care for him. Blaise shook his head.

“Nope. He was in and out of the room faster than I could blink. He hasn’t talked to me in a while. Possibly because I talk to you,” I nodded feeling a little hurt by his words but they are true. We walked into the room where the party was and I felt slightly blown away. I didn’t expect Slughorn to decorate this much. There were so many people. Someone taking pictures, some famous Quidditch player that I only know because Nott once told me like every Quidditch player in existence. Blaise and I just walked through and then he left me to stand there. I awkwardly looked around until I noticed Hermione.

I smiled walking over to her. “Hey, I never properly thanked you for helping me with the essay. So thank you.” Hermione opened her mouth to respond but Slughorn fell into me.

“Oh! Miss Blake I’m terribly sorry. Thank you for coming.” I noted how drunk he is and gave Hermione a look. Slughorn stumbled off and Hermione and I began laughing.

“That was great, and Acey it was really no problem.” She smiled and I just smiled. It seemed appropriate that we didn’t have to hate each other. All this hate, I can’t stand it.

I noticed Harry walk in with Luna Lovegood; I bit back a giggle and just smiled. That was really nice of him. Luna seemed like a sweet girl, even though she’s a bit loony. Really, she reads this rubbish magazine called the Quibbler upside down. Everyone has their quirks. Hermione ended up leaving my side and I wasalone again. Until some Gryffindor walked up to me asking for her, he screamed arrogance and I made a face at him.

“Like I would know,” spat and he walked away. I picked up a drink from someone walking by and sipped it. I kept my eyes on the door, noting everyone walking through. As soon as my eyes left the door I noticed Snape. He noticed me and walked near me.

“I hope that once Christmas comes around you will be able to successfully block the Dark Lord,” he whispered and I nodded looking straight ahead at Neville Longbottom tripping over someone’s foot. Snape walked away and I moved my eyes back to the door. I felt my eyes widen as I realized who was walking in. Mr. Filch had Draco by the collar of his clothes as Draco tried to free himself.

“Get your hands off me you filthy Squib,” he growled and I gasped. A few people stopped their talking to look at the new commotion.

“What is going on here?” Slughorn asked before he noticed Mr. Filch and Draco. Mr. Filch sneered at Draco before looking to Slughorn with a proud grimace.

“I found this boy lurking an upstairs corridor. He claims he was heading to your party.” Slughorn shook his head, knowing he didn’t invite Draco and before he could speak Draco freed himself.

“I’m gate crashing okay?” He spat, wiping his clothes as if to get rid of the germs Mr. Filch has. I felt my heart drop walking all of this. Draco looked up and his eyes landed directly on me. I dropped my glass, it shattered at my feet but no one noticed. Draco’s face blanched and I felt tears prick at my eyes.

“I’ll vouch for Mr. Malfoy,” Snape’s bored tone filled my ears and I felt someone grab my hand. I looked over to see Blaise and then my eyes landed back on Draco. He glared at my and Blaise’s intertwined hands before being dragged off by Snape. I felt a few tears fall down my cheeks.

“Do you want to leave?” I nodded at Blaise’s words and we left as the party just resumed like nothing happened. If only they knew how much my heart broke just then. “I’m so sorry Acey, baby,” I nodded taking in a breath as the tears kept falling. Blaise practically guided me the whole way back to the common room. He hugged me tightly as we just stood in the room. Kelsi and Nott walked in and Kelsi helped me up to bed.

“He’s so stupid, Acey,” Kelsi whispered, I didn’t even nod or say anything. I was stupid too. Stupid enough to still be in love with Draco even though I’m losing him to all of this stupid Dark Lord shit.

And in a few days I’ll lose myself to the same shit. I’m not ready but I have to be. Thoughts of possible outcomes of Christmas flooded my mind as I took off my dress and put on my pajama’s. I let my hair down and kept it straight. I laid down in my bed and my thoughts raced.

What if I can’t block the Dark Lord? What if he finds out Snape’s darkest secret? What if he realizes I love Draco Malfoy? I have to act like I’m so proud that he wants me to be a Death Eater. I don’t want to die and I don’t want my parents to die either.

I’m so torn and I haven’t thought about this in so long. Now that it is so close it’s eating away at me. Tomorrow I have to get on the train with Draco and act like we aren’t fighting. We have to act like we’re best friends. He’ll tell the Dark Lord how great his task is going even though it’s not. And I’ll have to pretend like I didn’t know anything about it.

I’m getting so sick just thinking about this. Tomorrow will be the start of hell.