Don't Be So Hard on Yourself

I woke up the next morning to someone knocking on my door. I slipped on the slippers that were magically set by my bed, rolling my eyes at the thought of a house elf doing the deed, and I opened the door. There stood my mother and father, smiling at me—as I think they’re smiles, they seemed more of a grimace—and they both hugged me at the same time. I haven’t seen them since September 1st and I can see so many differences just in their faces. They’re more bruised and sallow. It was like they spent a long time in Azkaban but I know they didn’t. I tried to push back the thought of blaming this on the Dark Lord and hugged my parents back.

“Sweetie, we-we need to talk to you about tonight,” my mother told me, her voice thick like she was only seconds from crying. I just nodded walking back to my bed and my father opted for standing as my mother and I sat on the bed.

“So what does he want me to do, mom?” I asked in a small voice, I needed to know but as soon as the minutes passed between my question and her answer I regretted it. Tonight was either going to be very bad or I was going to die. There was nothing good about this Christmas.

“He’s going to see if you are worthy enough to be his follower.” She started, in her soft motherly voice, and I watched her lick her lips and look up to my father. I watched him clench his jaw before taking in a deep breath.

“Since you’re still underage, he can’t have you use magic that is why Snape will be there. He will relay to the Dark Lord what kind of witch you really are. But tonight, the Dark Lord will test your strength. He told us we’re not supposed to tell you anything but we are to give you a warning.” He stopped and my mother grabbed my hand and I wanted to pull away. She felt like ice.

“Don’t, under any circumstance, let your guard down. If something—if something dreadful happens, I want you to stay strong and fight through it.” After the bit of advice my mother told me, they both gave me tight hugs and kissed my temple.

“Bellatrix will be to your room by noon to get you ready for lunch. We’re going to have a nice lunch with the Malfoy’s and we’ll hear all about what you and Draco have been up to at Hogwarts.” My father offered me the brightest smile he could. I just nodded, smiling myself, although on the inside I just wanted to cry.

I spent the morning in my room working on the homework a few teachers assigned over break. I was halfway through my Transfiguration essay when someone knocked on the door. I called for them to come in and finished my sentence. I saw Draco in the doorway, a smirk on his face, in his usual black suit attire. “Oh, hi Draco,” I mumbled and he walked over to me.

“So I was thinking, after lunch, we can exchange gifts? That is if you got me one—you did, right?” I nodded smiling at the boy as he breathed in relief. “Good because I would have totally taken yours back.”

“That’s mean.” I pouted which only made him laugh. He didn’t come too close to me, in fear that someone would pop in but we did end up talking for a little bit. Until Bellatrix entered my room, Draco and I were trying to figure out the rest of my Transfiguration essay and when Bellatrix did enter the room she chuckled.

“Homework is a silly thing for you two to get close over.” She clucked her tongue teasingly and I felt a blush come to my cheeks. “Out Draco, a young man should never stay in a room while a lady changes.” My blush only went deeper as Draco just nodded, ducking out of the room and down the hall. Bella smiled, motioned for me to join her at my closet and I obeyed.

She dressed me in a plain black dress, it hugged me tightly and she did my hair in a side braid. She smiled to me, told me I looked gorgeous, before walking me downstairs. Lucius Malfoy sat next to his wife, who surprised me, and Draco sat next to his mother. My father sat across from Lucius, next to my mother so I was left to sit across from Draco. Bellatrix sat at the head of the table and food was instantly served. I picked at food, listened to my parents talk to Draco’s parents.

I didn’t say much until I was asked certain questions. I told my parents how I’m doing well in school, especially Charms, which made my father very proud. Draco didn’t talk much either, much in the same way I did, but we would randomly catch each other’s eyes and smile. It felt like we never had fought, never had gotten together and we were just best friends. I couldn’t deny that I miss him, the way we were at school and the way he’d kiss me. I couldn’t admit it out loud though; I couldn’t even admit it in my head. If I was going to survive tonight, I’d have to forget it.

--

After lunch, Draco and I were told to go to our rooms while everyone else got ready for the dinner later this evening. It was like we were just children. Not the youngest—and soon to be youngest—Death Eaters there will be in all of Britain, possibly the rest of the world if the Dark Lord succeeds. Draco and I went to his room instead of mine and he told me to stand in the middle of the room with my eyes closed. I covered my eyes with my hands, giggling like a child, as I heard him rustling around his room. I could practically feel him in front of me; he coughed before telling me to open my eyes. I removed my hands from my eyes and opened them. He smiled a cheeky grin as he pushed a perfectly wrapped box in black wrappings—typical Draco—with a bright red bow on top. I started to tear the paper away, feeling his stare on me as I took the top off the box and peered inside.

Inside the box was another box, then another until finally it was just a long box like ones necklaces are held in. “I’m afraid it will just be another box and I’m going to have to hit you.” I mumbled, shooting him a glare but he didn’t say a word. He just smiled and nodded for me to open the box. I lifted it slowly, anxiously, and inside the box was a silver chain with a black stone wrapped in a thin silver wire was attached. I lifted the chain carefully, examining it closely and I felt my breathing stop as I examined the stone closely. It wasn’t just any stone. I mean yes, it was definitely a black diamond, but I felt something inside of it.

“I had help from the witch who sold it from me, she bewitched it to have my presence, or whatever, so I’ll always be with you.” I felt my breath get caught in my throat and tears sprung to my eyes. I looked up at him with a wide smile before I lunged at him and attacked him in a hug.

“Thank you, Draco; this…this is the best gift ever.” I whispered to him and he hugged me tighter. He helped me put the necklace on after our hug and I grabbed his hand, giving it a squeeze. “You stay here as I go get your present.” He nodded, offering me a small smile, as I exited his room and walked quickly to mine. I went straight to my trunk, dug through it until I found the rolled up piece of parchment. I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply.

I walked back to Draco’s room and handed him the parchment. He gave me a look that read “is this it?” and I waited for him to patiently unroll it. I watched him slowly open it and stare at the drawing I did a few months ago before our falling out. It was how I pictured us, sitting in the common room, him just holding me and I’m doing a charm. It was a simple, yet complex, drawing of us and I watched his smile slowly grow.

“Acey this, this is amazing.” I anticipated a hug when he rolled the parchment back up but I was surprised by his lips on mine. I froze for seconds that felt like minutes. I forgot how nice it felt to have him kiss me. My heart sped up and I only wanted to kiss back but a yell interrupted our act. Bellatrix was yelling downstairs, to a house elf, for messing up a decoration. Saying something about how the Dark Lord will be very displeased by what he will see. I instantly felt regret for letting him kiss me.

“I should go back to my room and get ready for the Dark Lord.” I whispered and I didn’t dare let myself look at Draco. I heard him sigh in defeat before telling me to go. I whispered I’m sorry but I don’t think he heard. I went back to my room, sat down on my bed and tried hard not to cry. I picked up my unfinished Transfiguration essay and tried to tackle it again.

All I could feel and concentrate on was Draco’s lips on mine and how perfect they felt. I’m so in over my head.

It was getting dangerously close to the dinner and I could feel my nerves going insane inside me. I felt too many anxious feelings at once and I just wanted to crawl into a corner and cry. But I needed to stay strong. Bella came back to my room, redid my hair so it was more formal and put me in a better dress. She took me downstairs, told me how proud of me she was and that I should feel honored. I assured her that I was much honored. Then she dropped the ball on me. “This dinner is for you. All of the Death Eaters and future Death Eaters are here by the Dark Lord’s request for you.” I tried very hard not to run back to my room. Draco met us at the staircase; Bella gave us a wink before walking down in front of us.

“Ready?” Draco whispered, it almost seemed like he never kissed me earlier and I took a deep breath and nodded. We walked downstairs and I saw a lot of Death Eaters I knew and some I didn’t. I saw Kelsi dressed in a very pretty dark blue dress and I waved to her. She smiled and gave me a nod and I felt a bit better. Draco led me around and I was introduced to people. I could see Gregory Goyle and Vincent Crabbe in the corner and I let Draco go to them as I met up with Kelsi.

“This party is for you, Ace, do you think the Dark Lord is going to, well you know?” She gave me a soft smile and I nodded. “I know he is, Kels.” She gave my hand a squeeze before hugging me tightly. She didn’t even have to tell me what she was feeling, I was already feeling it: fear. The talking around us died down quickly as we were ushered into the dining room. The table was extended, by magic of course, and I sat next to my mother and next to Draco. The Dark Lord sat at the head of the table, Snape next to him whispering in his ear. They both glanced to me and I looked away, to the food that was on my plate and I felt the heat rise to my cheeks. I emptied my mind of all thoughts and robotically ate my food and answered any question asked by random people with short answers.

I just wanted to get the Dark Lord’s task over with so I can rest just a bit more easily.