Don't Be So Hard on Yourself

I haven’t slept much since that Saturday when everything happened. A lot of the whispers and rumors began to kick up wildly after the weekend ended and people found out that Katie had be moved to St. Mungo’s and the necklace was meant for Dumbledore. Classes went on and I spent a lot of my time holed up in my room or the library working on homework. I found myself asking a few teachers for even extra work. I did anything to keep my mind off Draco. I know that Christmas was looming around the corner as snow fell even more around the castle. I needed to keep my mind off of then, too.

I left the common room not talking to anyone, I noticed Pansy tried to morph herself into Draco as he sat, like stone, staring at the fire. I even heard her giggle before saying loudly, “oh Draco!” when I know he didn’t do anything. It didn’t bother me. I don’t care, I swear I don’t care. I walked myself down to Snape’s room and he waited for me expectantly.

“Miss Blake, are you ready?” I nodded taking in a deep breath as I tried to clear my mind before Snape muttered, “Legilimens!” Even though I had readied myself, images and memories flashed before my eyes. I tried to focus. I tried to discipline my mind. But my memories stopped on me slapping Draco and I fell to the ground and Snape stopped.

“I know I know! Discipline your mind, let go of your emotions. Try me again,” I muttered standing up and shaking my head. Snape looked at me, I could tell he was hesitant, but I glared and he muttered the incantation again. More memories and emotions flew at me and I tried so hard to push Snape out.

No, no. Get out. You must not see this, it was no use. A memory came and I know he could see this, of that time I had realized I liked Draco; we were walking around his large garden talking about nearly anything. My heart pound as I remembered how much I wanted to hold his hand and kiss his lips. Get out! I fell on all fours and Snape stared at me.

“Why is it…that every memory I see is about Mr. Malfoy?” Snape asked in his cool, monotonous voice and I looked up at him. My forehead was beaded with sweat and I could barely catch my breath.

“I don’t know. I don’t know, sir,” I whispered the same thing over and over until I began to cry.

“You need to empty yourself of all emotion, Miss Blake; you are wearing your heart on your sleeve. You don’t realize how easy the Dark Lord can access your mind and learn all these secrets, these weapons, he can use against you. Do you want Draco in anymore trouble than he’s already in?” Snape talked in his normal tone but I could sense he wanted me to try harder. He wanted me to succeed. He wanted Draco to succeed. But at what cost, what are his reasons?

I stood up again, wiped my tears away and looked at Snape. “Of course not. Let’s go again. I don’t care about my emotions.” I was about to curse but left my mouth opened before closing it and held my wand tightly. I closed my eyes and Snape had muttered the incantation and I didn’t see anything. Made myself just forget everything. Any feeling I had been feeling and every memory that bothered to haunt me I forgot.

Are we done? I thought and I opened my eyes and saw that Snape was staring at me with a bemused expression. I raised an eyebrow and Snape didn’t say a word but moved towards his desk. “I’m surprised, Miss Blake, that you could just forget everything like that. I was staring at a blank page. Let’s do it again,” he has said the last part slowly before putting something from his robes into his desk. I eyed him suspiciously before getting myself ready.

“Ready, sir,” Snape smirked before saying the incantation again and I tried to forget everything. One memory kept trying to bubble up. I pushed it away and pushed until I panicked. I screamed Protego! and found myself seeing in Snape’s mind.

There was a girl, no older than I am, with green eyes that looked a lot like Harry Potter’s and long red hair. She was talking to a boy, roughly the same age, very skinny and pale with greasy hair. I knew it was Snape and my mind could only wonder if this girl was Harry’s mother.

“I’m sorry Severus, that James Potter is just a bullying toerag,” she muttered placing a hand on young Snape’s shoulder but he shrugged it off.

“It’s nothing Lily, James Potter will learn one day it is not wise to mess with me,” I watched Snape curl his lip in a menacing way and Lily shook her head. She didn’t say anything but a see-you-later and left Snape in the middle of the corridor. I shook my head before losing all focus on the memory and I was faced a very angry looking Snape.

“Professor, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to, sir, I panicked. I-I promise I will not tell anyone. I will forget this even happened. I-I’ll just grab my things,” I was muttering out the apology profusely but Snape shook his head. He shook with anger and I know I couldn’t do anything about it. I messed up. “You—I, sir, I have a question?” Snape looked up at me, his very dark almost black eyes stared at me with some sort of cold yet questioning look. I swallowed before twiddling with my wand.

“Yes, Miss Blake? I’m pretty sure you’ve already figured out the answer. That Harry Potter’s father bullied me and I am probably to blame that the Dark Lord had killed Harry’s parents?” He spoke to me in cold voice but I know this is a conversation that will never leave this room.

“No, sir, I wanted to know if you loved her. Did you love that Lily girl?”

“Miss Blake, I suggest you should leave before I find a reason to give you detention for the rest of the year with Mr. Filch,” I nodded solemnly before turning to leave. But as soon as my hand was on his door knob I turned my head a bit.

“I know it’s not your fault, sir,” I whispered softly before leaving. I wish I knew how to erase this memory from my head. I don’t want to dwell on this. I do not want the Dark Lord to know of this secret of Severus Snape. In a way, his memory of him and Lily were like Draco and I. Like that day when I had been alone with Draco after Harry had punched him in the face along with George Weasley in our fifth year. I had told him that he shouldn’t have bullied them but Draco had told me that Harry Potter shouldn’t mess with him and should have been his friend and not Weasley’s. I shook my head and walked away. My only thought was if Harry was friends with Draco, he would have died years ago.

For some reason, even a year ago even though I don’t talk to Harry, I don’t want him to die. As much as I should be loyal to the Dark Lord like my family, I am not. As far as I know, I’m silently rooting for Harry. I was too consumed in my thoughts, I barely noticed Pansy waiting for me at the end of the corridor. She had her wand out, I looked up and I could see her mouth moving to curse me. I quickly thought, Levicorpus! and as if invisible string had been tied around her leg Pansy was in the air and she dropped her wand.

“If you ever, ever, think about cursing me again, Parkinson,” I growled darkly and Pansy began to whine to be let down. I shook my head but a voice behind me made me lose focus and drop Pansy on the ground.

“Miss Blake!” I turned around to see Professor Slughorn walking towards me, I felt my face blanched but Pansy was already running back to the Slytherin common room. Today was just getting worse.

“I’m sorry sir! It’s just she was about to use the Cruciatus Curse, I could tell by her lips curling and well I didn’t want to be in pain I thought levicorpus?” I ended up questioning myself at the end but Slughorn shook his head, he held some sort of smile on his face.

“That was surely impressive, enough for the shelf. Say, I’m having a Christmas party before the end of term. How about you come? Of course dates are allowed but I mostly would like to keep the students I think are shelf-worthy.” He winked, I think, but I just nodded. I don’t care about this Christmas party but it’s another reason to not think about Draco.

“I’ll come to your party sir, thank you.” Slughorn nodded before I walked back to the Slytherin dormitory and didn’t bother with anyone in the common room. I went straight to my room to see Kelsi waiting for me. I sighed before explaining everything to her, not the part of seeing Snape’s memory and our conversation, like I always did.

“Wow, Pansy needs to watch her back.” Was all she had to say but what worried me the most was who am I going to bring to the dance? I don’t want to go alone and look stupid. I don’t know who’s in the Slug Club, or whatever Kelsi told me while I was explaining. I had a feeling Hermione Granger was in it. I felt bad for her trying to console me last week and I just brushed past her. I should probably apologize.

“You know, Blaise goes to those Slug Club meetings, you could ask him if he’s going to the party. Or Nott, except I think Nott might ask me. Oh, I don’t even want to go. Acey just go ask Blaise,” Kelsi pushed me towards the door and I looked at her. She smiled. “Well you’re not going to ask Draco,” she muttered and I shook my head with a small smile I left the room. Kelsi was only looking out for my best interest and this is why I tell her everything. Well, almost everything.

I walked out to the common room to see that Nott and Blaise were the only ones there, huddled over working on homework and I had to figure it was Potions. I had already finished the essay literally right after the class and have asked Slughorn for more work so I could busy myself. I sat down next to Blaise and he looked up at me with skeptical eyes.

“I didn’t even know you were back from, I think Kelsi told me correctly, extra lessons with Snape about what’s going on in Potions? How does that even make sense?” I shook my head, Kelsi can’t lie very well.

“Well I heard Slughorn say to some Hufflepuff that Snape was one of his favorite Potions students, even surpassed him, and I was feeling like I wasn’t doing things right so I asked Snape to help me.” I explained but Blaise gave me a look like he didn’t believe me. “Anyways, you’re going to Slughorn’s Christmas party right?” I asked and he nodded.

“I am, why?” I opened my mouth to explain everything but he shook his head. “You were invited, I don’t know why I asked but sorry mate, you have to ask Draco first. Talk to him at least. If he says no, I’ll go with you.” I rolled my eyes, leaning back and crossed my arms over my chest.

“Yeah I’ll talk to him when hell freezes over and I turn into a muggle,” Blaise laughed while shaking his head but he stuck to his words. I looked over to his essay and smiled. “Bezoars are found in goat stomachs; didn’t you pay attention to Snape in our first year? He yelled at Potter for it.” I got up and walked away back to the room.

“So what did he say?” Kelsi asked eagerly and the girls we shared a room with began to come back. I shook my head, mouthed I’ll tell you later before climbing into my bed and drawing my curtains closed. I lay in bed, not sleeping knowing it wouldn’t come, thinking about what would I do if I had to talk to Draco? Would he beg me to take him back? If I asked him to come with me would he? What will happen?

I haven’t the faintest idea.