Because I Love You
Prolouge: Love is a Phenomenon
‘Circle K’
I looked up at the bright neon sign that hung over the convenient store; the handful of punks that normally loitered outside, drinking, laughing and talking in their special hang out. They acted as if they did not have a care in the world. Wish I was as lucky. I walked past the group without being noticed by any of them and walked into the small store with only one thing really sticking to my mind:
‘Jimmy and I used to come here,’ I thought to myself as I scanned over the various bags of chips and candies.
I remembered once Jimmy and I were hanging out here on a regular Wednesday night. We had been standing right here in front of the shelf of chips when he said that he was bored. I suggested we go back to my place and find something better to do, but Jimmy dismissed the idea. Instead, he started knocking bags off the shelf while he passed by them; opening them and throwing the food everywhere; he got a slushy cup and ended up drinking only a little bit of it since he had thrown the rest all over the floor. Jimmy must have messed up half of the place before we both walked out.
Back then, I wouldn’t have done anything to stop him. I just laughed as I watched him do the thing I would have never dared to do, because that’s how it was: Jimmy was the wild, careless and reckless one, while I was the more relaxed mellow one who watched over him. He would go do something crazy; I made sure he was okay afterwards. I gave him a place to crash when he didn’t feel like going home; I fed him when he was hungry; I entertained him when he got bored. I did it all because I loved him. I loved him more than he knew. Jimmy thought I did all these things because we were best friends, but that wasn’t the case.
I was in love with Jimmy. Always have been, always will.
I had the urge to do exactly what Jimmy did. I felt like ripping things apart; smashing things onto the ground, and generally destroying everything. It would have made me feel so much better, especially after everything that’s happened so far. I could not believe that my life had gone completely down the drain because of one stupid mistake. I had pushed away the only person I really loved and replaced him with a jerk. Instead of tearing the place apart, I picked out a bag of Doritos and grabbed a Coke from the freezers in the back, and then headed for the front counter. I wasn’t about to eat my feelings, but it was better than getting drugged up and strung out of booze.
“That’ll be three-twenty-five, please.”
I passed the cash over to the store clerk and muttered to him about keeping the change. I didn’t feel like carrying change in my pocket right then. It was something Jimmy didn’t like either. We had a lot in common, Jimmy and me. I wish I could ask him if our hearts had something in common. I walked out of the store, passed the same group of kids, and back out onto the sidewalk.
Jingletown was where I grew up; it was what Jimmy and I used to call home. I knew it was a stupid name to give a town, but I guess they had to name it something. I never really thought about that much. The only thing I really cared about now was trying to forget all the good times I had walking down these sidewalks with him. I wanted to forget all the times I wished he would wrap his arms around me and pull me into the deep, passionate kiss I had always wanted. The moments where I looked at him; his profile darkened by the setting sun, and admired him. The times I felt happy being alive.
‘Those things might as well have never existed,’ I thought. ‘They will never happen now. Not after this.’
I kicked a stone across the pathway and continued to walk all the way home. I knew my mother was in there waiting for me. She’ll probably ask me where I have been; why I haven’t called her; Dave was out looking for me and that I should call him. Little did mommy know that Dave Hughes was the last person I wanted to speak with now. Correction. I would like to speak with him…then punch him in his sleazy, prep face. Walking in through my front door, I was not mistaken at all. My mother, Nora Benson, was sitting on our couch with her bathrobe on in the dark, with only the light of the television glowing on her. Her white complexion was smooth compared to some other women her age; she had very few wrinkles, but I think that's from all the anti-age creams she uses. Her hair was a ginger red just like mine, but only her eyes were this lovely sapphire color.
I saw the worried expression on her face as she watched me walk in, and I knew what was coming.
“Allie!” My mother called to me from the living room. “Where have you been? It’s almost one in the morning.”
“Out,” I answered, making my way to the stairs before she called me back.
“Dave is-“
“-Out looking for me. Yeah, I know, Mom. Can I go now?”
We both shared one look, and I could see immediately that she understood. She nodded, turning her attention back to the television. I walked up the stairs, thinking about how annoying she could be sometimes. I didn't hate my mother. She and me had a very healthy relationship. I only did not feel like talking right now; thankfully, she grasped that in time.
‘She only cares for you, dude,’ The little voice in my head said to me.
I threw my “dinner” down on my bed and sat down. I looked around at dark purple walls Jimmy and I had written all over; several band posters spread along them; a TV was in the corner, but I never watched it anymore. The night stand next to my bed had the typical lamp, alarm clock, and that picture. Normally, I would have smiled at the picture of Jimmy and me at John Kelly’s party last year. Yet, I wasn’t. I leaned over and flipped it down. I didn’t want to look at it right. It hurt too much.
So, I guess you’re wondering by now what it was that happened between me and Jimmy? Well, I would tell you flat out right now, but I don’t think you would fully understand everything unless you know the whole story. One would have to know how much I loved him and wanted him before they could comprehend how much pain I’m in right now. They would have to hear me out. They would have to get me before I could explain. Typing down these words now, I’m not even sure if I truly get it.
Then again, Love is a phenomenon.
I looked up at the bright neon sign that hung over the convenient store; the handful of punks that normally loitered outside, drinking, laughing and talking in their special hang out. They acted as if they did not have a care in the world. Wish I was as lucky. I walked past the group without being noticed by any of them and walked into the small store with only one thing really sticking to my mind:
‘Jimmy and I used to come here,’ I thought to myself as I scanned over the various bags of chips and candies.
I remembered once Jimmy and I were hanging out here on a regular Wednesday night. We had been standing right here in front of the shelf of chips when he said that he was bored. I suggested we go back to my place and find something better to do, but Jimmy dismissed the idea. Instead, he started knocking bags off the shelf while he passed by them; opening them and throwing the food everywhere; he got a slushy cup and ended up drinking only a little bit of it since he had thrown the rest all over the floor. Jimmy must have messed up half of the place before we both walked out.
Back then, I wouldn’t have done anything to stop him. I just laughed as I watched him do the thing I would have never dared to do, because that’s how it was: Jimmy was the wild, careless and reckless one, while I was the more relaxed mellow one who watched over him. He would go do something crazy; I made sure he was okay afterwards. I gave him a place to crash when he didn’t feel like going home; I fed him when he was hungry; I entertained him when he got bored. I did it all because I loved him. I loved him more than he knew. Jimmy thought I did all these things because we were best friends, but that wasn’t the case.
I was in love with Jimmy. Always have been, always will.
I had the urge to do exactly what Jimmy did. I felt like ripping things apart; smashing things onto the ground, and generally destroying everything. It would have made me feel so much better, especially after everything that’s happened so far. I could not believe that my life had gone completely down the drain because of one stupid mistake. I had pushed away the only person I really loved and replaced him with a jerk. Instead of tearing the place apart, I picked out a bag of Doritos and grabbed a Coke from the freezers in the back, and then headed for the front counter. I wasn’t about to eat my feelings, but it was better than getting drugged up and strung out of booze.
“That’ll be three-twenty-five, please.”
I passed the cash over to the store clerk and muttered to him about keeping the change. I didn’t feel like carrying change in my pocket right then. It was something Jimmy didn’t like either. We had a lot in common, Jimmy and me. I wish I could ask him if our hearts had something in common. I walked out of the store, passed the same group of kids, and back out onto the sidewalk.
Jingletown was where I grew up; it was what Jimmy and I used to call home. I knew it was a stupid name to give a town, but I guess they had to name it something. I never really thought about that much. The only thing I really cared about now was trying to forget all the good times I had walking down these sidewalks with him. I wanted to forget all the times I wished he would wrap his arms around me and pull me into the deep, passionate kiss I had always wanted. The moments where I looked at him; his profile darkened by the setting sun, and admired him. The times I felt happy being alive.
‘Those things might as well have never existed,’ I thought. ‘They will never happen now. Not after this.’
I kicked a stone across the pathway and continued to walk all the way home. I knew my mother was in there waiting for me. She’ll probably ask me where I have been; why I haven’t called her; Dave was out looking for me and that I should call him. Little did mommy know that Dave Hughes was the last person I wanted to speak with now. Correction. I would like to speak with him…then punch him in his sleazy, prep face. Walking in through my front door, I was not mistaken at all. My mother, Nora Benson, was sitting on our couch with her bathrobe on in the dark, with only the light of the television glowing on her. Her white complexion was smooth compared to some other women her age; she had very few wrinkles, but I think that's from all the anti-age creams she uses. Her hair was a ginger red just like mine, but only her eyes were this lovely sapphire color.
I saw the worried expression on her face as she watched me walk in, and I knew what was coming.
“Allie!” My mother called to me from the living room. “Where have you been? It’s almost one in the morning.”
“Out,” I answered, making my way to the stairs before she called me back.
“Dave is-“
“-Out looking for me. Yeah, I know, Mom. Can I go now?”
We both shared one look, and I could see immediately that she understood. She nodded, turning her attention back to the television. I walked up the stairs, thinking about how annoying she could be sometimes. I didn't hate my mother. She and me had a very healthy relationship. I only did not feel like talking right now; thankfully, she grasped that in time.
‘She only cares for you, dude,’ The little voice in my head said to me.
I threw my “dinner” down on my bed and sat down. I looked around at dark purple walls Jimmy and I had written all over; several band posters spread along them; a TV was in the corner, but I never watched it anymore. The night stand next to my bed had the typical lamp, alarm clock, and that picture. Normally, I would have smiled at the picture of Jimmy and me at John Kelly’s party last year. Yet, I wasn’t. I leaned over and flipped it down. I didn’t want to look at it right. It hurt too much.
So, I guess you’re wondering by now what it was that happened between me and Jimmy? Well, I would tell you flat out right now, but I don’t think you would fully understand everything unless you know the whole story. One would have to know how much I loved him and wanted him before they could comprehend how much pain I’m in right now. They would have to hear me out. They would have to get me before I could explain. Typing down these words now, I’m not even sure if I truly get it.
Then again, Love is a phenomenon.