Because I Love You

Remember those old teen movies where there was always a guy who threw the best parties in town? Well, John Kelly was our guy. He was one of those ‘Elvis Costello’ guys with a mixture of punk in him. He wore fedora hats and only wife-beaters with baggy shorts. I thought the style was interesting, but I didn’t pay that much mind to it. What I did mind was the fact that Jimmy had-once again-managed to stand out to me.

He wore a black blazer with the same torn-at-the-knee pants he was wearing today, the chains still around his neck and connected to his belt. Everyone else was dressed in whatever they wore earlier today, but Jimmy had actually put on something a little different. I thought-at this time-that I was the only person, who really noticed Jimmy’s hidden originality, but I was totally wrong.

If the Fire Marshall had ever happened to walk by John Kelly’s house, they’d freaking evacuate the place. There was always a big crowd at his parties, but tonight was a little less. I guess some people were just tired of his parties, since he was always having them. I don’t really know why. It’s not like they have anything better to do.

Or, as far as I knew anyways.

Brandy and I walked into the house, pink lights in the living room where music was blasting and people were jumping around to it. There were people in his kitchen, also dancing and drinking. The smell of smoke and alcohol was all throughout the place, and a certain kind of heat filled up the house, the kind that felt very humid, like the air conditioning hadn’t been on for a while. I saw some people sitting on the couches smoking grass or drinking beers/liquor. Girls like Brandy were all over their boyfriends, kissing them and touching in all kinds of places.

It seemed like the typical party to me.

“I’m gonna go look for Zeke!” Brandy shouted to me over the music as we passed the living room. “I think there are drinks in the kitchen!”

With that said, Brandy disappeared into the thick sea of people, leaving me alone against a wall. All of a sudden, I felt it sink in: The awkwardness of just standing by myself; watching everyone else have a good time while I stood here and watched. This was another trait Brandy had that I had learned to accept. She always ditched me at parties so she can go fuck her “boyfriend”. I don’t really understand why we’re friends anyways. She kinda just showed up next to me and we hung out. Then we started hanging out all the time. Then I realized the person she really was, but then found some good traits too. She never lied; never cheated and never stole from anyone. She cared a lot about stray animals she found and was somewhat eco-friendly. It was odd.

I searched the crowd in case there was anyone I knew, but the person I was really looking for walked up to me.

“Hey Allie.”

It was Jimmy, dressed nicely for the occasion (well, as nice as a punk like him would dress). He was sporting a beer in his hand and a cigarette in his mouth; his hair was still going in all directions and his eyes were still lined with eyeliner that was now fading a little bit. I actually kind of smiled when I saw him. This party wouldn’t be so bad after all, since I had someone to talk to for at least a little while. Jimmy leaned up against the wall beside me and blew out a puff of smoke. I could tell from his face and small smile that he had gotten drunk already.

“I can see you’re having loads of fun,” He said once I leaned close to him.

“Oh tons,” I agreed sarcastically.

We both smiled at each other, and then he spoke again: “This place isn’t really half bad to be honest. The beer’s good and the drugs are hanging around. You should get some. They’re awesome!”

“Eh, not really into the drug scene.”

“How come?” He actually whined a bit.

I shrugged, “Because I’m just not.”

“Aww, that sucks,” He turned towards me, “You should give blow a try though. It gives you the best high ever.”

“I’m sure it does Jimmy, but no thanks.”

“Party pooper…” He playfully punched my arm and I laughed.

We both stood there, watching the party-goers take pleasure in whatever they pleased while we aimlessly talked about things to each other. I realized-as we spoke-that the more I talked to Jimmy, the more I began to like him. Not in the sense that I wanted to sleep with him or be his girl, but the way a friend would like another friend. Even though he was drunk, maybe even a little high, he was still fun enough to talk to.

I saw us even becoming good friends…Maybe more than that. I wouldn’t have minded it at all.

Then she came. The pretty pink and blonde haired girl who I had seen around various places, wearing ridiculous clothing that always included some kind of tiara; tonight she was wearing a torn white dress; black boots, a gallon of make-up with the typical-you guessed it-tiara. I was sure that thing was fake anyways, otherwise she would have sold it away. I never really caught her name and I didn’t care. I wanted her to leave. The girl came up to Jimmy, put her arm around his shoulders and gave him a sloppy kiss.

“Hey baby,” She said with a laugh before stumbling over her own feet.

“Hey,” Jimmy kissed her again before introducing her. “Allie, this is Wendy, my girlfriend.

‘So much for more the more than friends idea,’ I thought glumly.

Wendy and I stared at each other for a moment. I noticed her surveying me like I was some kind of threat. Her face turned from a drunken smile to a stone-cold face. Jimmy had not seen this. He was busy talking to a friend who had walked passed us. I would love to have told her she didn’t have to worry about me stealing her boyfriend, since he seemed to really like her. Sadly, I don’t think she would have believed me.

“Jimmy,” Wendy said to him, “Why don’t we go back to your place now? I’m in the mood.” She laughed and then gave him another long kiss while peeking at me.

‘Trust me honey,’ I thought, ‘You can keep him.’

“I’ll just leave you love birds alone.”

I walked away with Jimmy calling his goodbye after me. I merely waved the back of my hand.

Walking home on the deserted street, I looked down at the ground, studying my shadow as the street lamps had come on. I was not sure where I was going, but it surely wasn’t home. I didn’t want my mother to see my face and think something was wrong. There was nothing wrong. I was perfectly fine with everything. My world was totally, completely fine the way it is. I shouldn’t care about some crazy-haired kid and his slutty girlfriend. They mean nothing to me. Nothing at all.

I kicked a little piece of a rock a little harder than I should have, but I didn’t care. I stuffed into my hands into the pockets of my jeans and continued to walk. I was not sure why I was so concerned about Jimmy. I shouldn’t care that he had a girlfriend; it wasn’t like we were close enough for me to care. We had just met today.

But yet at the same time, I was. There was a small flame of jealousy inside my stomach. It was surging and scorching my body; a pit of anger centered it all. I had just begun to like Jimmy; see as a possible boyfriend, someone who I would care about and would care back. I had pictured him to be the person who would love me; protect me; defend me. I had hoped he would be my new best friend; someone I could spend all my time with and lose my mind. I guess it just hurt that-not only did she dangle him in front of me, but that Jimmy seemed happy with her. He was kissing her like the world was gonna end at any time. The way he held her made me wish he had done the same with me.

Why? I don’t know.

Either way, I walked. Maybe I could just go to college now; in time for summer term. Unfortunately, I remember summer term had already begun and I’d have to wait until fall or spring. So, I was stuck with these thoughts in my head. These dreams of probable love or happiness. These dreams about meeting someone who would give a fuck about me. The dreams that someone could save me from this place.

They were broken now.

I almost wished I could just go to the highway hangout now and throw myself in front of a speeding truck. ‘

I had never expected myself to fall in love with Jimmy so quickly, or at least be infatuated with him. I usually never did that. It could have been that I had never met a guy like Jimmy before. He had totally understood me. He stuck with me no matter what happened for the next few months we were friends. We really did spend every waking moment together (when he wasn’t fucking Wendy). We had tons of good times. I smile thinking about them: The time with the argument about hotdogs; when he destroyed the Circle K bathroom by writing all over the walls with Wendy’s various lipsticks; when he bugged me about never kissing a guy for real and a bunch of things I would love to describe to you in detail.

I won’t, though. It hurts too much right now. I’ll just go over them quick, the funny parts, and the parts that don’t make my heart tear in half. Because lately, anything he does breaks my heart. It breaks my dreams more and more with any action.