Paradise Lost

Summer Gemma and Ordinary Gemma were having a little momentary power struggle within the confines of my mind at that moment. Summer Gemma was in full swing in this particular setting, she thrived at parties, and she was mentally poised and ready to strike back with a coyly sarcastic response to the way Jake had so rudely taken my drink away from me. But Ordinary Gemma, Ordinary Gemma was torn between appreciation and wonder and was therefore unwilling to allow Summer Gemma her typical attack. The fact that I was even having this internal struggle was vaguely surprising to me and I could only attribute it to the fact that neither side of me had been the least bit prepared for Jake's appearance at the bonfire and even less prepared for the fact that he was looking for a sober conversation at a party comprised entirely of overly inebriated teenagers.

"Who said I wanted to have a decent conversation with you?" My tone was the perfect balance of coy and sarcastic, my face lined with the flirtatious smirk I always used on the boys, the one that dared them to take control of the situation. In the end, the fact remained that we were at the Lake House, and that was Summer Gemma's territory. Here, Summer Gemma reigned supreme.

Internally, I cringed at the words even as they slipped past my cherry glossed lips; I didn't want him to return my drink to my hand and walk away. I didn't want him to disappear again.

The very corner of Jake's lip twitched up in the same way I remembered from our brief bubble blowing encounter. "Your eyes." Was his simple response to my inquiry.

Summer Gemma was silenced at that and the flirtatious smirk that had always worked in the past vanished; I was left to avert my eyes to the table lined with its assortment of intoxicants. I thought I understood what he meant; after all, the eyes are the window to the soul. My gaze drifted over the nearly emptied containers of vodka and rum and a lone bottle of Jose Cuervo before they rested on the two liter of Coke. Holding back a sigh, I uncapped the bottle and relented to Jake's implied request of replacing the vodka I had been about to swig with something non-alcoholic.

"I like Pepsi more." I muttered dejectedly, just to be difficult. Neither of the Gemmas liked being told what to do.

I turned my back on the beverage table, never once looking at Jake directly yet keeping track of his actions through my peripherals. "Do you?" there was a slight hint of amusement in his tone.

It was a simple question and I couldn't tell if the amusement was mocking or not.

I nodded my head in response and leaned back against the table. "You'll never find Pepsi around here though; Jack and Pepsi, it just doesn't have the same ring to it. Jack and Coke, that's the classic everyone’s out to have."

"But you prefer Jack and Pepsi?" he inquired.

I hesitated. No, I preferred my Pepsi without the Jack, but only Jackie and Morgan knew that. "I do." I lied easily.

"Really?" There was something about his tone. It held a certain amount of disbelief and maybe even just a hint of challenge, as if he was calling me out, daring me to be honest.

I turned toward him in that instant, my eyes guarded and suspicious, but he wasn't facing me. He too was leaning against the rustic table and his stance was relaxed, his posture casual, his gaze fixed straight ahead of him. I didn't know what to say. I suddenly felt vulnerable in his presence; uncomfortable with the way he seemed so at ease.

After realizing I had been staring silently at him for more than a few seconds I cleared my throat and did the only thing I could think to do at the moment. "Gemma." I blurted, the bangles on my wrist jangling as I raised my arm to offer him my hand.

His eyes shifted to the side in my direction to glance at me momentarily before he turned his head toward me to offer me his full attention. I watched his face as his eyes traveled down to my hand, and then my own eyes traveled down to watch him take my offered hand into his own. His handshake was surprisingly firm. "Jake." He responded easily, that lopsided smile stretching his lips once more.

It was at that precise moment that I realized the two of us were standing in front of the only source of alcohol this little party had to offer. People were here to have a night they wouldn't remember in the morning and they weren't about to let Jake and I stand between them and their means to reach oblivion. I was reminded of this fact as a particularly strong hand grasped my shoulder and moved me quite forcefully to the side. I stumbled forward from the shock of it all and into Jake, who took a step back to gain his footing and balance the both of us, his hands landing on my waist in what must have been his automatic response to catch the person tumbling into him. My mind registered the warmth immediately but it took a little longer to realize that his hold on me was surprisingly gentle.

I turned my head to view the jerk who had so callously thrown me to the side just to get a fucking beer. Talk about ways to ruin a moment.

"Gem!" The perpetrator had turned toward me simultaneously, now that he had his beer in its rightful place; his hand. A smirk made it's way to his face and his free hand found its way to my butt where he gave it a playful smack. "When are you gonna give me a piece of that ass?"

My entire body tensed at the lewd demand and I'm sure I must have jumped in slight protest at the slap he had given my ass, but I strived not to show my disgust in any other outward manner. There was movement at my waist, which I recognized as Jake's fingers pressing ever so slightly against my bared skin, and I suddenly remembered that I had been in the middle of conversing with him. Heat rushed to my cheeks at the realization that Jake was watching this entire moment and I sincerely wished that Ordinary Gemma didn't exist at all at this precise moment because Ordinary Gemma was the one that felt embarrassed.

"Scott," I tilted my head down to hide my flushing cheeks and gazed up at him through my lashes with that sly grin I was famous for, "when are you going to grow a pair and figure out that I don't 'give' anything, you have to earn it." I leaned backwards coyly to put some distance between Scott and myself, the action bringing me closer to the warmth Jake's entire body seemed to be radiating.

I watched as Scott's smirk grew and he shook his head. I watched as his eyes hungrily roamed my entire body, as if it was his own. I watched as his eyes froze on my waist. I watched as his gaze traveled from the hands that still rested there to the person who owned them and I watched the way Scott's eyes narrowed and blatantly sized Jake up. In my mind, there was no competition. Scott seemed to think he stood a chance for some reason though. He smirked once more and took a long swig from his beer, as if that proved to be some show of grandeur.

"I guess I'll have to wait my turn for you, Gem." He decided after finishing his drink, "That's alright, I can be patient." He finally tore his gaze away from Jake and managed to cast me one last vulgar look before stumbling away, clearly already heading toward inebriated.

I slowly turned back toward Jake and there was an odd sort of silence that settled between us as I took my time avoiding his gaze and he took his time trying to catch my eyes. I didn't know what to say, I didn't even know what to think. I suddenly felt as if I was standing nude before him, as if he had seen into the very depths of my soul and discovered it was dirty and vile. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, and I loathed it.

And then I was shoved roughly away from the beverage table yet again and Jake's hands, still resting upon my waist, were the only things that kept me from falling to the ground with the force of the shove.

"For some reason, I get the idea that this isn't the best place to stand." Jake’s voice was light and casually sarcastic as he spoke, as if he hadn't witnessed the scene between Scott and myself at all.

"Yeah," I cleared my throat, shook my head, tried to ignore the fact that Jake's opinion of me had probably been permanently altered after that display, "kids and their alcohol; no force in the world could separate the two when a kid wants to have a good time."

"That statement in itself is disgusting and ultimately depressing." He didn't hesitate to reply; clearly he had formed that opinion long ago.

He used the hands that he had resting on my waist to lead me away from the table and towards a section of the clearing fairly distanced from the bonfire and therefore the actual congregation of lost youth. When he had determined that he was where he wanted us to be, he finally released his hold on my waist and proceeded to sit down on the grass beneath his feet. My skin instantly recognized the loss of warmth from his hands and I almost wished someone would come up from behind and knock me into him again, just so I could reclaim that feeling.

I glanced around self-consciously, taking in the quaint houses scattered around the lake and the bonfire and the people around it, before I discovered that I must look awkward standing there while Jake was sitting and hastily moved to sit near him. I bent my legs rather awkwardly, trying to arrange myself in a way that didn't allow my skirt to rise up too high on my thighs.

A silence gathered in the air between us and I shifted nervously, tilting my head at an angle that allowed me to view Jake without him knowing I was watching him. His legs were bent in a cross-legged position and his hands were resting on his thighs. As I watched him, he shifted his weight and brought his hands behind himself to lean back ever so slightly. He was watching the people gathered around the fire, his eyes shifting lazily to follow their movements. He looked casual, carefree, like he was completely comfortable in his own skin. I envied him for that.

"I bet that at least one person somehow falls into that fire tonight." He finally broke the silence, his voice cynically biting into the warm summer night.

"Five bucks says that it's because they drunkenly trip over a passed out body." My own response matched his cynicism and had escaped from my lips before I had the time to process what I was even thinking. I tried not to look too surprised.

Jake, for his own part, raised his lip into the semi-smirk I recognized and nodded his head, still watching the teens around the growing flames. "You're on. I'll bet it'll be some girl, who's trying to get laid for the night." He spoke slowly, his eyes moving rapidly over the scene before us as if formulating his plot even as he shared it with me, "She'll be drunk—"

"Of course." I agreed.

He continued on as if I had never cut in. "And, like all drunk women, will be convinced that she dances like a goddess. So she'll dance the way her completely wasted mind tells her to dance, which isn't sexy or mildly appealing in the least, but she's drunk so she can't possibly comprehend that, and then, because she's completely mentally gone by this point, she'll somehow lose her balance. Drunk girls are always losing their balance and falling over. Only no one will be there to catch her because everyone else will be completely wasted as well. Hence, girl falling into fire before the end of the night." Throughout this entire scheme, Jake's voice had been completely serious, something I found to be rather amusing, considering the fact that he was predicting some poor girl's unpleasant end to the evening festivities.

"You're betting five bucks on all of that?" I asked, "That entire, ridiculous scenario you just came up with?"

He was still facing away from me but I had been turned toward him from the moment he launched into his horrid scenario. "Oh, she has to be a blonde too. The blondes are always the ones with ridiculous wasted escapades." His tone was still serious, he hadn't answered my question.

"Blondes?" I repeated, just to be sure.

He nodded. "Blondes. Like," his voice trailed off and his eyes narrowed and darted around the various people ambling aimlessly about the fire, "There. That one."

I finally turned away from him and followed his extended finger, leaning towards him and tilting my head ever so slightly to line up my vision with the victim he was indicating. My eyes landed on none other than the last person on earth I wanted to see at this moment; Angela. And I knew, in that moment, that Jake had himself a bet. "Five bucks, drunk person tripping over passed out body versus drunk blonde chick losing balance while dancing?" I inquired, stating the stakes as I saw them just to be sure we were on the same page. At Jake's nod I felt my lips twist up in a wicked grin. "Deal." I agreed with a nod of my own.

And then there was silence between us once more.

I looked away from the fire and the people around, away from Angela whose cruel fate had just been predicted by Jake. I looked instead to my bare calves and my shoeless feet. I wiggled my toes, watching the way the shadows danced with the movement. I would need to repaint my toenails soon, the polish was chipping. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I wondered if the bet we had made was the 'decent conversation' Jake had wanted to have with me. If it was, I had to say I was slightly disappointed, but I was too uncertain about myself to ask on the matter.

In all honesty, uncertain about myself didn't begin to explain how I felt in this instant. Insecure, maybe, self-conscious. I could still feel the hungry way Scott had looked me up and down, right in front of Jake. I could still feel the shame, could still hear his lewd words echoing in my mind. Jake had heard that, Jake had witnessed all of it. And I had responded just as lewdly, Summer Gemma had been in control. I felt vile now, unclean and dirty beyond belief as I sat beside Jake. I could only imagine what he must think of me, the opinions his mind was already in the process of forming.

I wrapped my arms around my waist and curled my legs beneath me, shrinking into myself as the insecurities struck me. I loathed this feeling. Neither of the Gemmas liked feeling as if her soul had been bared before someone.

"It's kind of incredible, how many stars there are." Jake's voice cut into my self-loathing thoughts and I found myself glancing at him out of the corner of my eyes. "I mean, not all of them are stars, a lot of them are planets, but it's just amazing how many pin-points of light we can see in the sky."

I remained silent, gazing at his profile. He was leaning even further back now, his head tilted back and his gaze fixed on the heavens. His hair looked tousled for some reason and stuck out in all directions. I didn't know what to say, so I remained silent. For some reason, "yeah" just didn't seem like an adequate response.

"It makes me sad." he continued after a few moments of silence. He seemed to understand when I had no response. Maybe he hadn't been expecting one.

His words caught me by surprise and I wasn't entirely certain I had understood him properly.

"The stars?" I inquired, just to clarify.

I watched him nod his head. "Not necessarily stars themselves, those are just massive collections of gas. It's more what they represent." He explained.

Had he taken a moment to look away from the sky and focused his attention on me instead, I'm sure my face would have been comical. I couldn't for the life of me comprehend what he was saying and my expression was nothing short of excessively confused. I couldn't be blamed for my lack of reply this time; what exactly is someone supposed to say in response to a comment like that?

It seemed as if Jake didn't need me to respond in any way; he continued on of his own accord after a few more prolonged minutes of silence. "I guess it's actually all of the planets out there that depress me. I mean, the stars and planets, they represent this vast expanse of possibilities, right?"

I assumed his inquiry was rhetorical and so I remained silent, allowed him to talk.

"We can do anything with the planets out there. Humans are conquerors, they'll find ways to make them inhabitable."

"That just makes humans resourceful, not necessarily conquerors." I finally spoke, interrupting his explanation. Jake never looked at me but he shook his head in disagreement.

"Stray cats that eat out of trashcans are resourceful. Spiders that dig camouflaged holes in the ground to trap their prey are resourceful. Humans conquer things, that's all we do. We find something new and we want to own it, to change it to make it useful to us regardless of how many other things we're fucking up in the process. That's the problem with humanity. That's the problem with there being so many planets out there. We're abusing our own planet, someday we will run out of natural resources. That's a fact. We're greedy and selfish by nature and we do nothing to ensure that our great-grandchildren will have running water to brush their teeth with in the future because we honestly don't give a damn." Jake's voice was harsh as explained all of this to me.

I was so taken aback by the strength of his tone that I was stunned into yet another silence when he paused. In the back of my mind, I wondered if he paused to take a breath or to organize his thoughts or if he was hoping I had something to contribute. I didn't. I was quickly discovering that I was almost always lost for words when speaking with Jake, something that was very out of the ordinary for Summer Gemma.

Jake took a deep breath and I was staring so intently at him that I saw the rise and fall of his chest, even in the dim firelight. "The problem with humans being conquerors, or 'resourceful' in your words," his tone was lighter and I noticed the playful lilt to his voice when he mentioned my perspective, "is that there are more planets for us to conquer when this one is destroyed. Humans will never learn from their mistakes as long as they can keep running to new places with new resources. Until we run out of options and are forced to learn how to live in harmony with this world, we never will. We'll just go on conquering and destroying and selfishly heeding to our own needs. That's why the stars make me sad. Someday, there may not be any left. Someday, we could have destroyed them all."

Silence. Once more there was silence between us. Crickets chirped noisily all around us and the noise from the inebriated youth seemed to fill the entire field. I understood what he meant, I truly did. I wanted to say something, anything, to lighten the somber mood that had settled in the air between us as he spoke but I couldn't think of any form of compensation for his words. Humans destroyed, it's what we did. The crack that echoed in the clearing as someone stumbled into the booze table and broke a corner of it only added to the effect of Jake's words. My gaze finally left Jake's profile and traveled instead to the myriad of teens stumbling around in drunken stupors. We were doomed.

We were a generation that was going nowhere, and I just let it take me along for the ride.