Always

So this is what the end felt like, she thought as she laid in the bed she and Matt had shared forever. Mia was trying to do anything and everything to ignore the fact that she would be the one to leave the house that they had all picked out together. But she knew it was inevitable, which is why her computer was next to her as she searched for a cheap apartment that she could afford on her meager income.

She would let him go if that’s what he really wanted, and it was pretty obvious that he did. He hadn’t spoken to her since their conversation the other night where he accused her of things that she would never be able to do. She didn’t know how it had happened, that Matt didn’t trust her like he used to. It just happened suddenly and she hated it, as was expected. Mia could hardly remember a time where she and Matt were apart for any real length of time other than when he was on tour. And suddenly, she had to face an entire lifetime without him. And without the child that they would have raised together.

God did that tug at her heartstrings. Because she lost them both so close. Maybe it was her fault that she lost the baby, maybe there was something that she could have done to save her. McKenzie Marie Nicholls was the name on both the birth and death certificates that the hospital had given her. It was like a part of her had been ripped away and then the other part that was left was gone too with the loss of Matt.

Mia wasn’t sure if she just knew how to be Mia alone. She had always been one half of Mia and Matt, the super couple. The couple that was going to have a baby and get married despite being young, high school sweethearts. They were the ones that were going to make it despite Matt’s odd job. They were going to make it. But now there was nothing. She was alone with nothing but her thoughts to keep her company. At the moment, those thoughts were helping out at least a little bit. She and Matt had done so much in their time together and she was thankful for every second of it. Matt had known her so well until this moment in time, this huge disaster that had come from an even bigger disaster. But suddenly, she had an idea that Matt had not a clue as to who she was anymore. Sure, she loved him. And she was sure that he had loved her at some point, even if his judgment was clouded by jealousy and lies.

The one thing that Mia couldn’t even stomach to think about was the fact that now, suddenly, Kristen was the one who would be falling into Matt’s bed with him. That or it would be some groupie girl that he had met somewhere down the line of whores who wanted him. She had never been insecure about anything, Matt included. And now that she had no claim on him, she found old insecurities creeping into her head. The idea of Matt sleeping with someone else was running laps through her head and she hated it. The Matt that she knew would not be found sharing a bed or bunk with anyone but herself.

Somewhere down the line of their relationship, she had lost sight of herself as a person, she thought. She hadn’t been just plain Mia in so long that she didn’t remember anything about her. It was horrible to think that it had come to that, but that’s how it was. So maybe this break was what she needed. If it’s what Matt wanted then she would deal with it and maybe he would return to her someday. There was always the old cliché of ‘when you love someone, set them free’ for her to put her faith into.

The jarring sound of an old song reminded her that she was alive and not drowning in a sea of regret and self pity. It took her a minute to realize that it was her phone and not just her imagination. She quickly grabbed it, hoping that it was Matt calling her back to make up or something. She knew that it was just wishful thinking, but it was the best she could do. Hope was all she had anymore. She didn’t have a sea to keep herself afloat anymore. She was a lone vessel in a harbor where everyone knew everyone else. It was a horribly depressing though.

“Hello?” She asked, her voice quiet and harsh from hours upon hours of sobbing and crying for the loss of her daughter and the loss of the man that she loved to jealousy and false truths. The boy on the other end of the phone immediately noted the tone of her voice and how utterly lost Mia sounded.

“How are you, love?” Oli asked, walking away from the bus as he heard Matt exit through the front door, laughing at something said by one of the whores who had taken up residence on their bus.

“That’s a laughable question, Oli. For such a smart man, that was a very fucking stupid question,” She said, tears coming back to her at the fact that Matt’s best friend was calling to check up on her, “Why are you even calling me? Didn’t you hear what I’ve done to Matt? I’m just your average every day baby killing whore,” She spat, throwing the picture frame across the room as she got more and more pissed off.

“I’m not a fucking dumbass, Mia. I know that sometimes women just lose babies. I also know that you could never have killed your own child and if Matt doesn’t know that then you need to find someone who knows you a little bit better than that,” Oli told her, sighing at every ounce of stubbornness that Mia had in her body.

“Well I’m glad you know that. It’s too bad Matt believes fucking Kristen over top of the girl he’s been with for basically ever. I guess I really didn’t know him as well as I thought that I did now did I?” Mia said, staring warily at the crushed glass that was all over the floor now since her outburst. She would deal with it later though.

“Who are you talking to, Ol?” Mia heard Matt ask from the other side of the receiver.

“No one that you care enough about to know,” Oli snapped at the boy who he considered his best friend.

“Mia then, huh? You gonna sleep with her too, mate? Like everyone else in Sheffield has?” Matt asked loudly enough that Mia could hear every evil word. Her eyes immediately began to tear up.

“I’m gonna go, Oli. I don’t want you to call me anymore and ruin everything between the boys. So, please, just forget that I existed, okay?” Mia said and hung up quietly as she cried on her bed. She didn’t know when she and Matt had lost the ability to talk about everything and anything, but she hated it. She just wanted her best friend and lover back. She wanted her baby back. She wanted everything to be back to normal.

But it never would be. Because she knew that there was no way to get back to a normal place after an incident like this.