Always

Matt had been trying to work up the strength for weeks to make it over to Mia’s. But, a month later, he still couldn’t do it. Oli constantly prodded him to go over there, but his confidence was shattered. And he knew that the longer he waited, the less of a chance he stood of Mia being completely receptive to this idea of taking him back.

Sure, he knew that she loved him. But what he had accused her of was basically unforgivable. And he would understand if she didn’t want anything to do with him ever again, he would have to. Even though he wanted nothing but to spend the rest of his life with her, have a couple kids and settle down in a house with a yard, but still close to the city that they both loved. He wanted to take her on a tour of the world and enjoy every minute while they stood side by side through thick and thin. And God only knows how many more mistakes he would make in his life, but he knew that it would be quite a few. But he loved her, God dammit. He loved her more than he loved the life that he led, but being wanted by millions of girls every night didn’t really do anything for him anymore. Not without Mia to be there waiting for him when he got off of tour.

“If you don’t go do it, I’m going out on a date with her,” Oli told him one night while they sat playing Fifa in the living room of the house. Matt’s movements stopped as he looked at his best friend, “You would do that me?”

“I’m not doing anything to you, bro. You’re the one who has sat her pining for her every single day for a month. She’s not going anywhere anytime soon. The only thing she does is work and she’s dying on the inside. I can’t convince her to go see a psychiatrist or anything to help her with the grief. She needs you, you asshole. And you can’t see it and she’s too stubborn to come back. She thinks that you don’t even love her anymore, alright? So would you forfeit this game already and get the fuck over there?” Oli said and hit the pause button on the game that they were playing. Oli was winning one to nothing, but Matt didn’t really think that he had been talking about the game they were playing on the big screen.

He wasn’t sure if it was the concept of Oli dating her or if it was the fact that he knew that the time was right, but he was out the door within thirty seconds. And back inside within three when he realized that it was raining, “Uh, can I take your car Ol?”

“Yeah, keys should be in the ignition,” He yelled back from God only knows where in the house. The other two members of the band that they lived with were out for the night, on a double date which usually meant that they were just going out to get laid and would come home much better off late that night. The keys were right in the ignition as Oli had said they would be. And as he backed out into the downpour, he started to have second thoughts but pushed them farther down into his stomach and his mind. His heart needed this, not anything else. He just wanted to make sure that Mia knew how sorry he was that he had handled this all so wrong. He was such an idiot.

He spent the entire drive in thought, so much so that he hadn’t realized he was pulling into her apartment complex until her car was already visible. He took a deep breath and tried to figure out which apartment was 3E from the outside. It was probably the only one with a light on at eleven o’clock at night, considering Mia had almost always suffered from something similar to insomnia.

“Should I even be here right now,” He asked himself as he left the keys in Oli’s BMW and got out to walk shakily to the steps that he knew he needed to climb to get to her front door. He stood there for a couple seconds before he knocked a couple times.

“Hold on. I’ll be right there!” were the first words that he had heard from Mia in almost three months. He would remember those words for the rest of his life, even if she rejected his apology. She must not have checked the peephole because when she opened the door and came face to face with a sopping wet ex-boyfriend, her face went from a huge smile to a sort of sad one.

“I thought you were Oli or Tom,” She said softly, kicking at the shag carpet that looked stained and dirty from where he stood.

“Sorry. I just…I had to come see you. I’ve been dumb for far too long. I have a few things I wanted to talk to you about,” He said, trying very hard not to reach out and touch her to make sure that she was a real person and that he wasn’t just imagining that he was here, with her.

“I thought that you had pretty much said it all over the phone that night,” She said, a little bit of her usual spite and strength coming through and Matt sighed. He had hoped that he hadn’t fucked it all up by letting it lay unsaid between them for so long.

“I…uh, I have some other stuff I wanna say,” He said, trying to force the breath out of his lungs. He was choking on everything, the rain, the air, his words, and his own breath. It was like he was asking her out on a first date. It was like quicksand had suddenly stuck under his feet and he was losing his battle with it and sinking slowly. And his words, which had never really helped him out before, we fighting him like he was hanging through a noose on the chopping block. Which, in reality, he was. Without Mia he knew that he had very little left in his life. He could only hope that Mia would hear him out. But if the ship had sunk, then that was that. He would let her live her life without him. And hate every minute of it.

“Alright. Come in then, it’s raining and the last thing I need is to catch a cold,” She said and left the door open behind her as she walked into her little apartment. He couldn’t help but notice every little detail. How the faucet leaked in the kitchen, how the walls had a yellow stain to them, an obvious sign that whoever had stayed here before smoked heavily.

“So. What is it?” She asked, walking away from him as he took a seat on the raggedy couch. He sighed, putting his head in his hands, “I’m trying to figure out how to say all of this. It’s not easy, alright? I’ve been working it out in my head for works and somehow it still isn’t as perfect as I need it to be.”

“Nothing between us has ever been perfect, Matt, why start now?” She said, her voice soft as she looked away, towards the windows that were covered with a sheer set of curtains that didn’t match anything else in the room.

“I’m sorry, alright? I was so unbelievable dumb. And I know that what I did is definitely unforgivable but I wanted you to know that I was so fucking sorry. I told Kristen off; I still can’t even believe that she did this to us. I just wanted to tell you that I’m dumb, you’ve known that forever,” He said, closing his eyes and trying to pretend that he wasn’t really here and that this was all just a freaking dream to him. He wanted to be with Mia and have her around constantly. After this, if he got her back, she would never leave his side. He would never give up hope that someday, somehow they would be together again, “I handled the grief that I found so consuming in the worst way possible. I pushed you away and then drank myself stupid. In the morning, I would wake up, taking some medicine to numb the headache and then do it all over again. I can’t function without you being there for me. It’s pathetic, but I don’t even care. I’ve loved you up until this point and I’ll love you forever.”

“Matt. Stop for a second, please,” She whispered, effectively cutting him off, “I don’t want to tell you I understand, because I honestly don’t. But we all handled grief in ways that don’t always coincide with what we really want. I just…I need you so bad. Right now, I need you with me. I didn’t want a psychiatrist or a grief counselor like Oli kept hounding me to go see. I just wanted you to show up on my doorstep in the freezing rain like in every single sappy movie I’ve ever made you watch with me. I won’t let these…these stupid fucking scars hurt you and me,” She said and he quickly scooped her up into his arms, smiling widely as he held her for a little while without either of them saying a word to break the silence.

Silence had consumed both of their lives for a while; they figured they could let it last for a little bit longer before they broke it. Besides, not all silence was bad. And right there, at that moment in time, all those two needed was silence.