This Blood Is Gonna Wake the Night

My convulsion came the next day. I should've known it would. All the signs were there. My stomach had been a little uneasy at various points throughout the day. I'd been feeling a little warmer than normal. My legs had kicked out uncontrollably a couple of times when I was sitting with my legs dangling over the edge of my bunk. I'd been feeling restless.

It started at about 2:30 in the morning. I'd eventually managed to fall into uneasy and restless sleep, full of dreams about my parents and my baby brother. And I was awoken by a sharp pain in the stomach. I grunted softly, sitting up with my arms curled around my stomach. At first, I tried to convince myself I'd just dreamt it or it was just because they had fed us less than normal that evening. But there's no mistaking a convulsion for a little hunger pang. In reality, it is a hunger pang but about fifty times worse. It's the worst pain you could ever feel in your life.

As the pain subsided, I wondered if I had just imagined it but this thought was brushed aside as a second stab of pain arose furiously. And it was worse than the first, just like a convulsion is. My skin was burning. Just like it does when I convulse. I struggled out of the white t-shirt in attempt to relieve the intense heat I could feel. Sweat was already pouring down my chest and back. The third wave of pain came, clawing up my insides as it came. And I couldn't help but cry out.

The first spasm came as the face of the woman in the bunk opposite me popped up over the top of my bunk. But I was barely aware of her presence. The pain in my stomach began to spread, tearing violently at my chest and intestines. I began to shake violently and was flung backwards, my body spazzing violently. She clasped my hand tightly.

"It's ok, Gerard, it's ok," She said "It'll be over soon."

But her words drifted over my head. All I could focus on was that pain erupting so forcefully from inside me. I guess you could say it was a 'little' uncomfortable. A scream erupted from my throat. My arms curled around my stomach. And I went into uncontrollable spasm, the sweat lashing off of me. My body screamed and wailed at me, pleading me to give it what it so desperately craved.

"C'mon, man," Someone else said "You're gonna' be fine, you're doing good."

I cried out again, my body shaking uncontrollably and the intense heat growing into a roaring fire. Someone attempted to brush my matted hair from my face as my head shook furiously. The pain inside me grew still, forcing me to scream. When you go into convulsion, I'm not talking a deep husky 'Ahh' kind of scream. I'm talking about proper high-pitched, bone chilling, blood curdling screams. The grip on my hand tightened as my spasms got more and more violent.

My breathing was heavy and ragged. Everything was disappearing from my sight as my eyes glazed over. From seeing it happen to others, I knew they were growing that milky white colour all over. None of us know if that's what happens to people like us who are healthy. Because, let's face it, none of us are exactly the healthiest of our kind. We're underfed, undernourished, we never get to feed properly and we don't get to exercise despite our pleas. We're not supposed to be kept cooped up like chickens. We need to be able to run around in the great outdoors. I haven't seen the sun since I was eight.

"Guys, step back!" Someone ordered "Step back."

It sounds as if the guy was just being spiteful but he wasn't. It was because he'd seen what was happening. It was for the others safety. When we convulse, we can be dangerous. There's no exaggeration when I say that. Someone like us convulsing can't control their actions, so there's no telling what they'll do. My hands closed tightly around the metal bars on either side of the bunk. So tightly it was hurting. But I could barely feel that pain at the time. It was just a little nick compared to what I was feeling inside.

As they all stepped back, I screamed again and forced my head back. My teeth snapped at nothing, desperately searching the air for something sweet and fresh. And my head was banging furiously against the pillow beneath me. I needed to feed so badly it was unbearable. A lengthened groan forced itself out of my mouth mere seconds before I began thrashing around and clawing at thin air. I needed something to sink my teeth into. God it was so unbearably painful. I even wondered if this was the convulsion that would finally lead to my death.

"Gerard," Someone said in the distance "Gerard, come on, this isn't you! They'll come and feed us soon, you can't give up yet. You've been here too long to just let a stupid ass convulsion take you down."

Again the words went over my head. However, the violent thrashing around of my body was slowly beginning to subside. And my sight was slowly returning to normal. Oh thank God. It was easing off to a stop. The pain was stabbing inside me still and I cried out again. Someone took hold of my hand, squeezing tight as I came down from my pedestal of pain. My cries got weaker and weaker until I was just whimpering and heaving in time with my heavy breathing.

"God, Gerard," Amy's strong English accent said "You scared me."

But I couldn't talk, I just heaved heavily in time with my breaths. She reached out and brushed my sweaty fringe from my eyes. I wanted to thank them all for their concern and kindness. But I was too drained to even blink. The sweat was oozing from every pore on my body. I could feel myself twitching.

"I swear you're getting worse with every convulsion."

I managed to tilt my head briefly. Someone was holding my hand, squeezing tightly. It's at times like this that I feel most appreciative towards the people I've been living with for so long. Matt was leaning over me with interest, almost as if he hadn't seen me convulsing hundreds of times before. As I slowly began to regain my strength, I managed my first weak smile.

"How do you feel?" Someone questioned deliberately.

"Like hammered crap." I replied.